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Newlywed sex issues
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An_242156 posted:
Hello...this is my first time posting...but my husband and I need help.

This is our first year of marriage and we have had a lot of problems. We are very young, he is 20, and I am 19. While we were dating our sex drive was off the charts, now that we are married he feels regret after sex and doesn't want to do it often. It's not that its boring, we have tried so many different things. He says he does not even find the urge to pleasure himself. He says its not me, but I don't know whats going on or what to do.

Has anyone gone through this before?

It could all be emotional, he moved to another state away from friends, he doesn't even want to be married anymore. He doesnt understand how hard this is on me. HELP?!!
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dfgbull responded:
Often, sex before you are married carries a rush of "forbidden fruit". After you get married it becomes not only ok but expected. Sometimes this adjustment is very difficult.

Also, the stress and changes of marriage can wreak havoc with emotions. I would suggest the two of you see a counselor to help you work through the issues and help find a solution.
 
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An_242149 responded:
You are going to experience times like this throughout your entire life. There will be times when one doesn't want sex, times when you both do, and times when neither of you is interested in sex. It's all okay
 
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rest2010 responded:
Trying 'different things' is a good sign of a desire to continue this part of your relationship, and you also expressed that he feels regret after sex. Regret for having had sex? or regret that he did not satisfy you or himself, or was there something else?
The ball is in his court. He admits you are not the problem, and that there may be a connection with having moved away from friends; but other friends can not affect his sex drive unless there were connections.
DO NOT EVEN BEGIN TO ASSUME THERE WAS INFIDELITY, AND THIS IS GUILT.
Encourage him to continue to talk about it, to tell you what he thinks the problem is and really have him suggest his best guess what it might be. Do not under any circumstance compromise by stopping having sexual relations. This could stop everything and unless there is a genuine reason for stopping, do not.

Good Luck.
 
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Torcal responded:
I would ask him flat out whether he now feels that the marriage was a mistake and does he, in fact, want out. And when you do it tell him that you will agree to a divorce if that's what he really wants. Nineteen years' old is not too young to be a mature woman. You should make it clear that you will do anything you reasonably can to help him even if that includes separating.

Be prepared to listen with understanding to anyting whatever comes your way. I don't know what he means by "guilty" and I doubt he does either. Someone cannot be guilty of anything unless they do something to regret. Perhaps he feels that he wasn't honest with you, that is, that he loves you as a friend and lover but not as a wife. His "guilty act" was marrying you when he knew inside that it was not the right thing to do.

Your husband is young, perhaps too young and inexperienced to exist on his own outside his circle of family and friends. Maybe he got married because everyone "expected" him to after you had been going together for such a long time. ("It's time to get married, son.")

Offer him a way out without regret or recrimination. You didn't do anything. A marriage based on guilt can only lead to a sad and lonely life. An early separation will be embarrassing, but that is a small price to pay rather than spending you life in a bad marriage.

Good luck.
 
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3point14 responded:
Why doesn't he want to be married anymore?

Why does he regret sex afterwards?


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