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My b/f thinks about other women while having sex...
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verycuriousgurl posted:
I've been with my man for 4 years and we always have good sex. I'm 26 and he's 36. Just over a year ago he cheated on me because we had a huge fight and he got drunk...I don't give people too many second chances but because I love him I'm willing to give him that and work on it. He also quit drinking and partying but I still have major anxiety. We've gone to one couples therapy session and plan on going more. I know we're going in the right direction.

One night I asked him if he thinks about other women while we have sex and I knew he didn't want to admit it so I said I think about other men, even though I don't. I just focus on the feeling. Then he confessed he thinks about his fling every once in a while and a few other women. My b/f says he feels really terrible about the whole cheating thing but in my eyes if you felt that bad about hurting me and our relationship why would you even think about her after you already been there done it...is he really bored of me or not that attracted...he says it's not me because I'm good looking but do I believe that...does he want other women...I know men have a wandering minds at times I'm not naive...I just want him to be into me more then them.

I'm a bit disturbed and if he's thinking about other women while he's having sex with me and masterbating, what does that say from a mans point of view and a womans? He changed his lifestyle to be with me and so that he wouldn't mess up his awesome job too. His cheating made me insecure in our relationship but as a person I still feel hot. I love him and I know he's made huge changes in his life to keep me. He must love me but why the other women?

Even at stores he glances at women and I never noticed him doing that before he cheated...I don't even think he cared about other chics but now since he cheated his ego shot up and I'm paranoid. I want him to be more focused on me, I'm sexy but not a slutty sexy...I don't want to lower myself and go that far. I've dressed up and initiated sex...tried different places. So I know I'm not boring. Sometimes it can be routine but that's expected in long term relationships. I want to know from a mans point of view and a womans. I also wonder if there's other women out there who are kinda going through the same crap. Please Help...suggestions would be awesome.
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queston responded:
OK, some straight talk from a man...

1. Your b/f is an idiot. He needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. Partners shouldn't lie to each other, but that doesn't mean that every hurtful truth (like fantasizing about other women) needs to be revealed.

2. During sex with my wife, I never think about other women. I don't really think about anything, actually. My brain is constantly going a million miles an hour all the rest of the time, so the fact that it stops is actually one of the best parts about sex.

2a. I actually just had this conversation with a couple other middle-aged guys, and we all agreed that we wouldn't really care if our wives were thinking about Daniel Craig (or whoever) during sex, as long as it worked for them. If it gets her really revved up, then I'm OK with it.

3. I almost never think about my wife when masturbating. If I'm going to fantasize, why fantasize about reality?

4. Glancing at other women? Forget about it. Virtually 100% of men do this, whether they're happily monogamous or not. As long as he's not being a pig about it, don;t give it a second thought. It just means that he's a guy, which is, presumably, one of the things you like about him.

I'm genuinely sorry that he cheated on you. It has obviously planted a lot of doubts in your head. But, other than being too stupid to keep his mouth shut about it, these other things you've described are perfectly normal.
 
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FCL responded:
Although I fully agree with queston on most points I think you really need to accept that you went seeking the kind of information that you KNEW would upset you. You knew that asking him about whether he fantasized about other women would open a can of worms. Not only did you persist in opening that can of worms but you also lied to get him to admit. Accept that you own your insecurities and that you sought to feed them.

There are some questions that serve no point so why ask them?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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queston replied to FCL's response:
I think that men and women really think differently about these sorts of things...

Many years ago, I took a one-year teaching appointment in a town about 4.5 hours away from where we lived. I kept an apartment there and came home on weekends.

My wife obviously knew that I was masturbating during the week--she made jokes about my relationship with Rosy Palmer. But when it somehow came out that I had some playboy magazines there*, she was incensed and very hurt. I'm afraid I probably didn't handle it very well, as it seemed laughable to me that she would think I was only thinking of her while masturbating or that I wouldn't use visual stimuli (as virtually all men prefer to do).

I asked a few other guys about this, and they all thought that she was being ridiculous but that women were just like that.

I had always been more of a "total honesty" type of person, but the lesson I learned at that time was that sometimes the truth can be hurtful and you may not be hurting anyone by not revealing it.

By the same token, I have never asked my wife about the lovers she had before we met. Why would I want to know those details?

*For you younger posters, there was a time when magazines were the preferred delivery method for pictures of naked women.
 
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dfgbull responded:
From a man's point of view. The "other women stuff" you have described is not at all uncommon with men.

Remember you asked the question. If his being honest in answering your questions "costs" him, because of your negative response, He will be much less likely to be honest in the future. Women complain about men being emotionally distant, but sometimes they are just "protecting" themselves.

Lesson for the day_If you aren't ready to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

On the other side, His cheating, caused a break of trust, and it WILL take time (maybe a lot of time) to rebuild the trust; so your insecurities are definitely justified.


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