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Can't fix sex life
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An_243700 posted:
My wife and I have been married for only 2 years. We've known each other for about half our lives and dated off and on during that time. We never had sex until we got serious this time around (as in we started dating and then got married). At first our sex life was amazing. I could tell that her previous husband made her feel bad about herself and her body and I encouraged her as much as I could.

However, once we got married, (and even a few months before as we decided to be abstinent until our marriage) the sex life changed. For the most part, we had sex about once or twice a month, maybe a little more. She would sometimes put on lingerie or come out of the shower in a towel and things were ok. But I wasn't happy with once or twice a month. We had several conversations about it but without much lasting change.

Often when I'd approach her for sex (either by trying to seduce her or even being more up front), she'd turn me down. Within the first year of our marriage she had an emotional affair (she swears up and down they never slept together). After that our sex life picked up a little, but it was short lived. I was working out of town and only home on the weekends and even then we rarely had sex more than once or twice a month.

We'd discuss this again from time to time and she told me at one point that she felt like I pressured her into it. So for the last year I've almost completely stopped making moves. It hurts to be shot down all the time. For newlyweds I feel like I shouldn't have to ask for sex anyway.

She's a teacher and I'm back in school. We spend almost all of our free time together. We have no kids, and I do realize that her job can be stressful. We are very happy emotionally with each other. We go on dates, have a lot of fun together. Our weekends are spent either on the couch watching movies and tv shows together, playing games, taking our dogs for walks, travelling. In other words, we do have a lot of down time on weekends, and even during the week we spend about 1-2 hours on the couch together.

Here are some things that really get me down. We are not as busy as a lot of couples, so we have time to have sex frequently. I am not the neglectful husband. I get up with her in the mornings and make her lunch for the day and include a little note in her lunch either to encourage her or telling her how much I love her or just to be silly because I know she needs that during the day. I wait on her hand and foot, doing anything and everything I can for her. She constantly tells me how wonderful of a husband I am to her and she couldn't ask for anything better. We are both fairly fit, eat well, and live healthy lifestyles.

Even sex is somewhat...unexciting. She doesn't like me touching her body or using my hand to stimulate her. She rarely touches me. In other words, most forms of physical foreplay make her uncomfortable. She's worn lingerie for me once in the last year. Bedroom talk makes her uncomfortable. It's basically cuddle, kiss, sex, cuddle. I get so frustrated too because I need the release and have to go weeks between sexual release. This makes me doubt our relationship, her faithfulness to me, and makes me wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

Again, talking about these things don't help much (or at least doesn't cause lasting change) and though I've suggested counselling, she's not too keen on it. Please help!

Sorry my thoughts may seem disorganized. I love my wife, but this is a hard thing for me to deal with.
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queston responded:
Get counseling. Find a way to convince her. Go on your own at first if she won't go with you.

I don't mean to over-dramatize, but if you are at this level of sexual frustration this early in your marriage, it is only going to get worse. And your frustration is going to start morphing into resentment, which will poison your relationship.
 
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BalconyBelle responded:
I agree with Queston. Get counseling ASAP. Both of you. While receiving counseling on your own may help you come to terms with your feelings, without her being there, the root cause of dissension in your marriage will remain unchanged. She needs to understand that her actions are putting your marriage at risk, and she needs to see that permanent lasting changes will need to be made if she has any hope of saving it--and sex therapy may help with addressing some of her hang-ups in the foreplay department.

On the other hand...is it possible that while your wife loves you, she's no longer 'in' love with you? You've mentioned she's had an emotional affair--if she still believes she's in love with someone else, or believes she's no longer in love with you, that would explain a lot. For many women, physical intimacy is contingent on emotional intimacy---if her heart's no longer in your marriage, it would explain why she's trying to remove her body as well.
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dfgbull responded:
I feel your pain! Literally. I very well could have written the exact same post. Our problem was that my wife had been sexually abused as a child. If this is the case with your wife (it is very likely it is) the problem will only get worse, You both need counseling but she most likely will resist. She probably will deny being abused (if she even conscientiously remembers the event) and a professional will be needed to draw it out of her and help her deal with it. As the other posters have said things will only get worse without help. Good luck and don't give up on her.
 
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An_243740 responded:
myself agree with dfgbull. as a woman who was sexually abused as a child i understand how that would have an effect on your sex life. if this is the case and she is not having an affair counseling is the only way she will be able to get over it. just supprt her and try all you can to get her there. best of luck keep us concerned responders posted.


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