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painful sex.. help!
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An_241873 posted:
ok so this is awkward to talk about for me but I need to know I am not the only one. My husband and I were married virgins due to religious belief and have no experience besides each other. we got married OCT 2010. since then we rarely have sex because he is too big. if he tries to enter even rock hard it bends him. it is excruciatingly painful for me when he enters past the tip of his penis. we have tried EVERYTHING.'I have used lidocaine to numb me and it still hurts. ky or lube burns and no position works. it has causes me depression and him to feel bad and anxious about sex. I'm tired of giving handjobs! I also can't wait for my period so I don't have to try to have sex.. not that he pushes the issue he is very patient. I couldn't ask for a better man. now I just want to feel sexy and I want to enjoy sex. heck I want to HAVE sex. the closest we have gotten is him going in under half his penis after lots of foreplay and using a vibrator on me to stimulate pleasure so the pain isn't as bad. I want him to fit! will I ever "stretch out" or will I always be like this? oh and to add to that I have no sex drive since it is not enjoyable. this makes me guilt myself into sex for him.. and I want to want it. any advice? please... we're quite inexperienced and young (20's)
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hairyd responded:
I know this is awkward to talk about. I also have a xxl penis and understand from experience with virgins your pain.
Continue to give your husband the hand job and also oral sex... Continue to use lubication and the vibrator ( increase in the size after 5 or 10 minutes). He needs to enter the tip of penis and very slowly with alot of hip motion enter half of penis. Then slowly pull slowly out of vaginal. To stretch to fit him you are going to have intercourse a few times each day. You and your husband also needs to use your fingers to stretch your muscles.
It is also time that you discuss this with your doctor. Is there pain when the doctor exams your vaginal.
The last option would be to discuss with your husband. Hiring a male sex surrogate partner. I was Licensed while attending school. I would not advise this option to everyone but after 18 months. You need an experienced male to help you learn the pleasure of sex. I would think your husband would appreciate the Help.
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
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An_241873 replied to hairyd's response:
yes I have been to the doc and there is little to no pain during examination and the ultrasound was fine too. see thinks it is either infrequency of sex and a size issue, which she said to get 3 vibrators/dildos that range in size from big to small. she also thinks being virgins that sex therapy might be a good idea to see if it's me not relaxing enough in my mind. it is painful only at the opening of the vagina, the insides of the cervix/vaginal walls do not hurt. we are probably not comfortable with another male. I can't even use a male doctor comfortably.
 
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fcl responded:
Hve a read of this:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/painful-intercourse/DS01044

The part about causes is interesting (pain on entry is specified). I wonder whether you don't have a form of vaginismus that makes you involuntarily tighten your muscles (due to your justifiable fear of pain) thus making it even harder to insert his penis.

Doing kegel exercises would give you more control over your muscles (i.e. so that it's YOU that decides whether to relax or tighten them) but you may need professional help getting past the fear.

I was wondering if you had tried a silicone based lube? It's also possible, if lube is burning you, that you might not be using enough ...

PS - please do not use lidocaine ever again for this. When you numb yourself you leave yourself open to tearing and injury without realizing it...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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An_241873 replied to fcl's response:
I did do research on that and brought it to my doctor. she said it's very possible that I have that but I do keegale exercises I have great muscular control. I know it's not contracting when he tries to enter but I also know that I'm probably tense. just want to know if there is anything I haven't tried lol. besides surrogates... your right about he fear of pain I do have trouble even wanting sex because it's just plain not enjoyable. so what is sex therapy like? is it just like any discussing type therapist or do you have to "perform" anything? idk that's why I'm asking lol.
 
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hairyd replied to An_241873's response:
A surrogate works with the prescription of a sex therapist. The therapy like any treatment. Will only work if your willing to complete the full treatment. No therapist will force you to do anything. I was able to help rape victims and many woman enjoy a satisfing sex life.

You have not stated if you and your husband have oral sex. I have always in personal and other sex. Started with oral sex.
Your husbands need to first learn the art of "french kiss".
He will learn to use his tongue in your mouth for your pleasure. Then you need to learn the penis is your friend.
After you have learned to use and enjoy tongue. Start with the penis head. Since you able to see the penis and control the inches insertede. Learn to stretch you mouth muscles. Learn to use your jaws and throat. Until your lips are able to touch the base of his penis. Another option the therapist may give your husband some information. Or if you not comfortible with another male. The therapist may suggest a female. I only worked with the husband with endurance issues..
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
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An_241873 replied to hairyd's response:
oral sex is not a problem between us. he is good at it as I am good at it. it's just the average act of sex that is lacking. he is a great listener and a great lover and extremely patient with me so here is no suppressed feelings. were very open and communicative it's just the physical attributes of our bodies dont seem to want to fit as well as our personalities do. being a virgin when married was also difficult because sex still is a bashful topic for me. as unmarried persons we had to shun sexual acts so now sex being the "norm" for me is difficult but I am getting around to it and becoming a little more relaxed.
 
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hairyd replied to An_241873's response:
You would have had the same issue if you had sex before marriage. The size of his penis can not be changed. If you had sex with a smaller penis; that would not have helped. When you learn to enjoy sex; you will be glad you have a huge penis.
I would advise to make an appointment with a female therapist. I think she will suggest a male partner. Because of the lenght of time without sex. You can have the therapist with you during treatment with the male. But my session where between one and three hours. Double fees with the therapist watching. I only let a husband watch, Once..
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
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An_241873 replied to hairyd's response:
well that still is something I couldn't do comfortably but I wouldn't mind speaking to a therapist to see what I can do to clear my mind and be more comfortable about sex.
 
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hairyd replied to An_241873's response:
Great make the appointment. But you have made the mental connection with your husband penis and pain. Therefore you need a experience male with a huge penis. That is able to get you so aroused. Also have to knowledge to put his rock hard penis in a tight vaginal. After a few session a week for a few months. Your husband and you will have a life time of sex together. You will be more comfortable after a few session with a therapist. She will explain it is great sex for you and the surrogate. The surrogate with respect will make it a satisfying session for both you and him. Keep us posted.
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
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fcl replied to An_241873's response:
I would make an appointment with a therapist to help you "reason" your way past the fear of pain. I don't see why this would have to be a sex therapist. There are often simple solutions to the most complex problems. Why go to the extremes that the other poster is suggesting if you don't have to?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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An_241873 replied to fcl's response:
ah see I didn't even know that you could go to just a therapist to talk about sex. thanks! yeah to me and this is just my opinion a surrogate for sex would be adultery. I'm not comfortable with it... but just talking about different ways to get past the fear and just ways to make our sex life better is all I need. thank for all the replies
 
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hairyd replied to An_241873's response:
A therapist is one that does not treat or improve the underlying condition, but instead increases the patient's comfort. They help patients/clients make decisions and clarify feelings They provide support and guidance. After 18 month I would want for you and your husband that you do more than talk about lack of sex penetration for another 18 months..
A therapist's goal is to help patients make decisions and clarify their feelings in order to solve problems. This could be extensive treatment for a condition that could be remedied with very limited treatment.
But if you selected at this time to talk consider a free marriage / family therapist; mental health therapist, pastor or religion leader; school counselor; etc
After 18 months it is time for a EXTREME solution to a complex problem . I am glad your husband is very patient and willing to remain a virgin after 18 MONTHS of Marriage.. I only want you to enjoy the Blessings of Great SEX. Please excuse me but you need to start think more about your Husband's sexual needs. A marriage is when TWO becomes ONE.
Choose the best and quickest soluation to SAVE your marriage. May God Bless you Both...
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
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hairyd replied to fcl's response:
FCL, WE are bothg trying to help this couple. My thought is she needs a male that has studied the female anatomy . Also has the experience of human sexual arousal (erotic stimuli or colloquially know as turn-ons). She needs to be so sexually aroused that the Need, Want, Pain, Desire of having a Penis in her body. Cooling the fire with pleasure is more demanding than the fear of discomfort. When her husband enters her vaginal. Since you have been on the receiving end of the penis. I only hearing the begging for more. Is there something you can advise her has a female. The husband is not asking for help, but he does need the experience. Which at this time his wife is not able to let him learn.
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
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hairyd replied to hairyd's response:
It would be super if we could help this week end!!!!!!!
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.


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pain having sex
Try putting a pillow under your hips. Lubricate is important. Good luck More
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