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Wednesday welcome - triggery
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Rubberboa posted:
Morning beautiful peoples! Wanted to welcome you all here, glad you found us, so sorry you have need to be here.

I'm RB. Known lunatic and wearer of olives. I'm a 44 yr old mama of 2 young kids. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse that left me with a rap sheet of psych diagnosis.

I struggle some days, triumph others. I rise each day to pick up my bat and wait to see what life is gunna pitch at me today.

When I am feeling grounded and able I like to come here and wade into the murky darkness and search for surviors who are on the healing path. I take my lanturn and sit with you, offer comfort, understanding and company.

I use my past for good. Each time I reach out and to others who are back on the path early in their healing journey, it frees me. I help not only you, but the me of the past who didn't have the blessing of an internet or others to ease the shame and lonliness.

I set my lanturn on the healing path and turn it up so it illuminates the darkness. I spread out a blanket and sit down. I'm here, this board is here, there are others here to help you carry that pack that bends your soul and snuffs out your own lanturn. Your all welcome to stop by and sit for a spell. Your safe here and in good company.

Peace be the journey

RB
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lovelylemontree310 responded:
  • slumping, exhausted, unspeakably sad*

    today is the last darn anniversary day. thank you God. it's been ten years... ready to let -- at least this one -- go. time to rejoice in my freedom, not mourn in my capture.

    i will sleep a long, uninterrupted sleep... and on the other side of the night, i will wake to see a gentle morning. tonight, I turn the page. tonight, I shut the book.

    i will breathe more freely, i will feel the first vestiges of a smile. tomorrow begins "the rest of my life."
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    Rubberboa replied to lovelylemontree310's response:
  • I brush your hair humming quietly as I admire its blackness.*

    A slumber party to ease the transition from the long day that has lasted years. Understanding the weight that pulls your face into a droop.

    Understanding the need to trek each year and bath in these pools of tears left dotting the calendar.

    I thought of you last night as the fire works went off at the country fair. Thought of all of us. How there is a dark heavy cocophony of sound then silence then the night sky opens into brilance and light.

    We curl up into cat pies and sleep in the warm lanturn light. So glad you will wake to a lighter path to walk tomorrow.

    peace be the journey
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    MyDeli replied to lovelylemontree310's response:
    Wow, you both inspire me. I am in awe of your strength and of your ability to convey a picture with your words. I feel like I have such a long way to go and I just want it to be over with. I am not a patient person and I don't feel like I have the strength that it will take to get through this.

    Thank you both for sharing your strength. It gives me hope.

    deli
     
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    Rubberboa replied to MyDeli's response:
    I awake to a frightened sound barreling through the darkness. I spring from cat form back to people form just in time to catch you as you come thrashing torn and bleeding from the underbrush.

    "I got you Deli" I whisper calmly. " I got you, come rest a second here. Its natural to want to run through the healing path to the otherside. To want to get a machete and hack a straight path to the healing side."

    The journey IS the healing. Its not something that can be rushed or shortened down. You must go back, you must go inside and open door and find lost emotions and face fears and all the monsters of the past.

    Some of us start the journey by cannon balling into the darkness and trying to fight our way free.

    You don't have to do that. There are many surviors out there with lanterns to light the way.

    You know you have a safe harbor here. That even when you feel like you are falling 1,000 mph that the board here has the other end of your rope. There are many hands to make a chain to fetch you no matter how dark it gets.

    You know that I will come for you and untangle your feet, offer the comfort of my lantern's light, or give you a shove if you need it. And most of all we are all here to just bear witness to the incredible strong woman you are going to discover on this journey.
     
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    gottagetitright replied to Rubberboa's response:
    Hi All,


    I admire the strength that each of you have embedded here and I wish I had half of what y'all have shown me.What's instill in all of you is much deeper than flesh,so much bolder than gold,many fine gold.I started my journey years ago but got lost within.I was walking with my face towards the wind and it pick up causing sand to blow in my eyes.Having the sand blown cause me to walk blind with no sense of direction,so I stop walking out of fear and stood still.

    I have made my path my corruption but the last three weeks was proven that I can walk this path because I mad it through my darkest hour back in January.If I was stronger enough to pull through after being shot twice than I can endure more than I thought I could handle.I know I have to let go of the past but it didn't stay hidden because it was never really dealt with.Today I realize that no matter what we go through we will bounce back because that's how we are made.

    At the end of this week my hope is to once again start my journey.And in my hope who shall see when I walk through shine your light my way so that I'll see when my path is so dark.Light my candle at night,be my comfort by day ,you're whom I've made my in ward friend.

    I have my going and my comings,I know I'm far from ease but let's hope that by far be my last tear of my soul from anything evil.So if happen to see me along the way walk with me so I'll be less afraid.

    Thanks for showing me to my lighted path and embarking on the same journey as so many others before and after us.Each of you have more heart than walmart on valentines day!
    SOMETIMES LOVE HURTS SO MUCH TIL,WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING IT HURTS TO WALK!
     
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    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    So much strength and eloquence, all of you.

    Thank you for never failing to humble and inspire me.
     
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    lovelylemontree310 replied to Rubberboa's response:
    I am by far not at the end of my journey. I am just beginning. I am only beginning to let go of one little thing at a time.

    I hope I will wake to the gentle trembling of a summer shower. I hope I can muster what little strength I have remaining to pull my affairs together. And tomorrow... I am not afraid to cry -- tears of shame, tears of despair, tears of anger.

    Y'know, RB, when my hair is lit by the sun, it shines an auburn-red. Very few have noticed the firelit "almost red." But people I am close to -- family, some friends -- ECT nurses -- have remarked on the unusual color.
     
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    Rubberboa replied to gottagetitright's response:
    I hear you all coming, many feet walking together in a marching rhythm. Soldiers, drudging on a forced march blindly through the darkness of the healing path.

    I know the sand blinds your eyes so you can't see my lantern light.

    I leave it on the blanket and chase after you. My words reach you and halt your flight.

    Carefully I dust your hands off. Pour warm gentle water to clear the grit from them, and place my hand in yours.

    Even though you can't see us, all of us here on the board are here for you. We lovingly will clear any roots that snarl your feet and trip you. We will use our words to offer comfort and guidance.

    You have opened many eyes to see in your life. Then the sand blows in and another pair must open. Soon the wind will again pick up, stronger and feircer then before.

    and you will find the strength to open your eyes again.

    and it wont be sand blowing in them this time....it will be just be the fresh free air.
     
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    Rubberboa replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I look to see you coming down the path. Your lantern swinging to and fro as you look for others to greet.

    I wave you over and pat the blanket. We sit for a moment back to back. You watching that way and I watching this way. Vigilant so no traver goes by without a greeting.

    Not forgetting that even though we have lanterns and are here as lamposts to give travel directions. That we know whats it feels like to wander in here scared and confused and sightless.

    I tuck a fresh box of tissues in your pack. Knowing that its hard to come here somedays and respond with compassion and care. To read the sad truths day after day till a shell builds up and it hardens your heart to protect it. To not beable to have the luxury of saying, I am not reading that trigger post.

    I admire that you never loose sight of the hope. Even when I have known you were hurting. That I wish I could be like you when I grow up.

    I stand up and tie a cape around your shoulders made of cool redwood shadows. place Olives on your fingers and give you and arm up. We clink our lanterns like gobblets and todder off to eluminate the darkness.

    You stop as my laughter breaks the silence. You look back at me.

    Oh I was just thinking....its a good thing at least one of us can spell...
     
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    slik_kitty responded:
    wow. there are tears in my eyes. look at the strength we all have here. even in the midst of our struggle, we all have an inner strength that keeps us going. a drive to help others to help ease their way down the journey to healing.

    rb, you so beautifully turn your past into stories to help people. when you can you are always here with your lantern to help people find their way, or to just find a small patch of calm in the wild, stormy night. you have so much strength inside of you. it even shows when you are going through tough times, cuz you always fight back. you always come through. you are strong.

    llt, listen to yourself. you've made it past another anniversary and you are coming out strong on the other side. you have hope. you are looking for a brighter future. you have an inner strength in you that keeps you going, even when you can't see it. that strength is there and it will carry you through.

    mydeli, yes it is a long road, but you have the strength to get down it. you reach out for help on the boards. you work towards getting better. even the small steps along the road show the strength you have inside of you. keep going and we will travel along with you.

    gottagetitright, i am so happy to hear you saying that. see what you have been through? see what you have survived? there is your strength. the ability to keep going in spite of the odds. you now see the end of this part of the journey and you have hope. you see the freedom. you have the strength to keep going. your strength has carried you through and it will continue to carry you on your road to freedom.

    caprice, i know you understand us all because you have been there. your strength shows in your willingness to help all of us, in spite of things that may happen to you. the many years i have known you, i have seen the pain you have suffered along the way, but i also have seen the strength inside you that has carried you beyond that pain. you are such a gift to all of us. thank you for being here for us.

    to all of the people who may just be reading, or who may post after me, you all have an inner strength. i can remember when my life fell apart, that i thought i had lost that strength, that i couldn't carry on any farther, but it was never gone, it was just hidden deep inside. i found that strength again. it's what keeps me going. it's what keeps me fighting. it's what has brought me down the road to healing.

    i light a fire to add to the light of rb's lantern. a signal to all who are hurting, that even in the midst of the pain, there is always our inner strength. come. sit. rest for a while. we're all here for each other. we'll continue to use our strength to help ourselves, and to help others as they need it. we are strong. we are survivors. we will make it.
     
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    Rubberboa replied to slik_kitty's response:
    As you step onto the blanket you feel a cold mist of water wet your ankles. You glance over to see me with a water bottle filled with water from the pacific ocean.

    "If you can't come to my eden I will bring it to you." I smile. and spurts you again.

    Come my sister sit for a bit.

    Let me gleen some sanity and strength from your strong vines.

    I move the lantern closer to your feet to warm them. I love how you move effortlessly and seemlessly over the board reaching out and greeting fellow travelers.

    Love your patience and unending hugs.

    Love that even though there are dark places in the healing path that scare you and you don't want to look into them you still come in here and help others.

    You are like a mama deathy afraid of spders who when a spider nears her child you squash it with your bare hand.

    *smiles gently* resting my head on your shoulder. I'm so thank full you are on this trek with me. That when I am limping and listing to the left you are there to shove me back to the right.

    You don't have to be a warrior or a healed, well,sane person to be strong. You just have to be there.

    *link my arm with yours*

    Strength in numbers, and woman between us both we have a hell of an army.
     
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    Rubberboa responded:
    I feel you reading our words. Feeling like you don't know us and afraid to post and say anything. That somehow this post isn't ment for you.

    Well it is ment for you.

    You.

    Holding up my lantern.

    I rememeber when I hid in the dark underbrush of the healing path. When I felt like a wild animal, a missing link...a freak.

    When no one saw me or my pain.

    Well I see you...and your pain. the painfully familiar shoes that you wear. Clicking them together over and over hoping to magically awake.

    The wish to shed your skin and be free of it. The wanting ...the needing to step out the door and just leave it all behind. To leave the pain in heavy satchels on the side of some deserted road.

    That it would be easier to just create a whole new you then to salvage the old broken one.

    To be at the base of a mountain of memories and not have the strength to even begin to climb up. When all you can muster is to lean your shoulder against the side and pray you don't get buried in the landslide.

    The hood of my lantern doubles as a bailing bucket. There are many souls here who will come bail for you, who will come hold your hand, who will come wipe the tears and offer a shoulder to rest on.

    We are all in this together. Some of us just have been further down the path then were you are now. We know the way is smoother ahead.

    and we have not forgotten how rough it is were you are.

    This board is here for you to lean on and get support.

    *extends my hand*

    May not now where you are headed in your journey, but here with you now at this time and location. Your company is a welcome addition.

    peace be the journey
     
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    djtimewilltell responded:
    If I may join in, "Hi, my name is Donna and I'm a Jonoholic. I've been clean and sober of him for 12 1/2 weeks." I am getting stronger, but I still miss talking to him. Never thought I'd be able to let go of my hope to recapture and change the past. Never thought I could let go of wishing he did it because he loved me. Never thought I'd let go of the anger, disappointment, fear, hate, love, confusion....I haven't totally let go, but I'm getting closer. I still miss him, though...just not as bad.
     
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    washedaway responded:
    This is all so beautiful

    I haven't posted here in a while, but I read all the time. The strength of everyone (and i mean EVERYONE) on this board is awe inspiring. we have all gone through so much...no matter what it was, it was huge...and we've all survived, even when we weren't sure we wanted to.


    it's been a wild and crazy ride since i found this board...the people here, whether they were communicating directly with me or not, gave, and are giving, me the courage to walk this path...and while my lantern may not yet be bright, i am seeing at least one step ahead now, when it all used to be just blackness, and i thank you all for that, whether you've come to help or be helped...we all are part of each others healing...thank you all


    k


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