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(trigger) feeling sad
ttsmile posted:
[TRIGGER] I feel like it is my fault sometimes. Like the time he grabbed me by the head and shoved me against the bed was my fault for arguing with him that I just wanted to talk. To not be ignored. Like all of those times he grabbed me and twisted my arms behind my back until I cried and then shoved me to the ground were my fault. I was pregnant and he didn't want the baby. Like I never should have told him. Like I should have told him I'd do everything on my own. In some crazy way, I feel like I deserved how he treated me, because I called him an ***hole when he was mean to me.

I tried to tell him I was afraid of him, but he didn't really care. I remember seeing in his eyes that day before I left, that look. That awful look that you see means there is nothing you could ever do to stop what is going on, because it is really not about you.

And still, I feel responsible. I know I am not, but sometimes, I have trouble believing. I know the day he raped me was not my fault, but somehow, everything else is always muddy and unclear.
Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
You're right, you're not responsible but it's not uncommon for abuse survivors - no matter what kind of abuse it is or when in our lives it occurs - to take responsibility. Maybe because it's easier to think we have some control over the outcome.

This was HIS problem, HIS choices.

I really encourage you to look for books on domestic violence, on the dance of anger that can happen, and how victims often see themselves. It may really help you to see yourself in the pages and to heal.
ttsmile replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
I probably should do that. It is funny about anger. I have been very angry at the world for almost 2 years now, and recently something I was reading made me want to change that. I have been talking to my mil and a friend, and I have been almost not angry anymore (though I am sure it is not the end.) What I put in the post is the thing I am most afraid to say to anyone. I think I expect people to confirm my fears. Sometimes, I don't understand why I have learned to deal so well with my life experiences from childhood, but am still dealing with those from adulthood. Time, I suppose its part of it. As well as my avoiding the issue, I suppose. Thank-you for not confirming my fears. I'd like to be happy again one day, on a regular basis, not just moments. I suppose dealing is the place to start.
WolfFaerie responded:
I have to agree with Caprice for most of the posting. I grew up around domestic violence all my life until I was living on my own. Like Caprice said it's HIS Choices and Problems not yours although it always feels like it.
It's like the unwritten rule of the house TELL NO ONE that is not family cuz they won't care which is entirely not true. But that is what living with domestic violence is and does to a person whether we want it or not.
I fear my anger but I'm working on it and you want to change that. It takes courage to do so. I applaud you for trying too. It sounds like you've got a good support system in place. You'll tell them how you really feel when you're ready not before that.
Happiness will come in the little moments that lead to the bigger ones. Good luck on your journey of healing. Take care and offering safe hugs if okay?

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