Sexual Abuse Survivors Support Community

so at 50 do you think it is worth Even changing i don't have a bad life. i am not happy and i do sh to survive, but all and all its not horrible. i don't know why i all of sudden think i need to change. any thought ?

The urge to change arrises in all of us as we age. At some point our minds go "hey!" and sets us on the healing journey. It comes when we are ready to tackle the past. Your own mind is telling you, you are ready.

And it's never ever too late to heal.

I agree with Catmagic, that therapy - painful and hard work that it can be - is well worth it because the light on the other side of this darkness is so very bright.

maybe, my girls are grown and safe. i do have more time now. i am just so torn between living out this lie,(my life) because for all outwards account it looks fine or trying to see if there is any feelings in me. i Guss the thought of not Evan being able to feel is a reel possibility.

don't think it is the hard work, or the pain ( i can dissociate very easily from emotional pain.) i just don't want to find out that there is nothing more in me. will i Evan be able to see the LIGHT? i really don't know. i have lost the filter of fear for most things, but i think i might be afraid.

thats just it. Your past has trained you to dissociate from pain. To get the fullness from life you need to take it on in its fullness. The numbness of the dissositive haze bleeds over into all the aspects fo your life. You loose the full rich intensisty of ALL your emotions, not just pain.

Healing from SA is about shifting from the locked down victim mentallity to survivor then to thriver.

Your free flowing life so to speak got pinned down an some point in your life. Abuse is like a tree growing in a river. You get diverted off your original course and divided.

You have to really want to change at this age in your life. A life time of habits and coping skills can be challenging to change.

I at my age simple cannot change patterns that are 42 year old. But I can and do heal on a different level and find comfort and peace with in myselves.

I have taken back my power. The abuse no longer has me captive. I am no longer that girl in the hot, dark attic. I am able to have basic control of my life and limit the amount of impact the abuse still has on me. And with that work done and in place and updated I am able to then let go of the self inflicted violence (SIV). That coping skill is no longer the first one I reach for.

I am at peace within myselves. Healing doesns't erase the abuse history. But the fear and shame and pain no longer weigh so heavy. I am stronger and able to delve into the richness of life.

am still thinking, there is a lot to learn from this post. i will respond when my brain comes back on line.

you are so right, the numbness has bleed into all aspects of my life, i shut down before i was 5 so it is all i know. the sad thing is i am OK with that . i don't think i see myself as a victim, i just look at what happened to me as it is what it is. ( I USE TO TRY TO FIGUR OUT WHY, WHAT I DID TO DESERV THIS , etc. i agree i am not the person i would have been if i had not faced the evil that was my life for so long. i do want to change the sh behavior, but i want to keep the dissociate behavior. (i am not scared of much but letting go of that terrifies me.) my out ward life looks good, i am not a social person but i have a strong family, church, and work life. i have to dissociate to function or pretend which takes all my energy, but it works. i never have had power of my life so i don't know how to take it bake or Evan what that would feel like. although most of my abuser are long gone out of my life the one who set it all up and did the most harm is my bio mom and she lives in my house, she is old and not able to harm me any more. i am her care giver, she would be put in a institute other wise and although what she did is evil i do not want her to wast away, be harmed, or suffer. i am not sure if i am at peace with myself or not ( not sure what that means)? as far as fear ,shame, and pain its there i am sure but i just keep it buried. i don't know if any of this is going to make sense, but thank for your post it has given me a lot to think about. i read it every day and find some strength in ir