Sexual Abuse Survivors Support Community

[TRIGGER] *TRIGGER*
I've been feeling lost for the past 3 years and don't know what to do. My father died a few months ago and lately all I have been is depressed and scared. I haven't been getting much sleep either. I don't know how to feel and I don't know what to do. But I'll try and start from the beginning. This is going to sound strange but I guess it all started when I was on my very first date. We were at the movies and everything was going great, it was really cold in the theatre so we kind of snuggled next to each other watching the movie, (and I thought about what a perfect day it was and how sweet this guy was: you know holding my hand, opening doors etc. )Then all of a sudden he moved his hand across my breast. At first I thought maybe he brushed up against me by accident, but I realized that wasn't it. He started to fondle, then it turned to groping and I wanted to push him away, but it was like I was frozen and couldn't move.All the while in my head I was screaming at myself. Trying to figure out what to do or say. Eventually, I snapped out of it when he was trying to put his hands down my pants and tried to get me to touch him "down there" and I grabbed my stuff and headed for the door. He followed me out and pretended nothing had happened. He even asked if we were going to have dinner. I was so stunned, I couldn't even say anything. And I didn't say anything, I just felt like bursting into tears. I don't even remember taking the train back and walking home. But when I did get home I just went straight to the shower and cried. I wanted to get him off of me. Words can't explain how disgustingly dirty I felt. I felt like trash. And I couldn't understand why someone would do that, we just met?
For the next couple of days I kept replaying what happened in my head wondering how I didn't see he was a creep or that maybe I did or said something to him that let him think that that was okay to do something like that to me. The more I would go over it, the more disgusted I felt, but I had this feeling that I've felt this way before.
That night at the movies was like a switch went off inside and everything felt sort of different. I started to feel kind of mopey and felt really sad now. I thought it was stupid of me to feel so sad about a sleazy loser and what he did to me, so I told myself to get over it and that there were other guys out there... decent ones.
Then the nightmares started... I was dreaming that someone was on top of me crushing me but I never saw who it was but I remembered feeling really cold; that same cold and I woke up. I kept on having nightmares every night until it all started to come back to me: the fear, the cold, being frozen and unable to move or cry out while someone was touching me, hurting me.
It turns out that those dreams were real, those feelings really happened and that I didn't just dream them up. I was abused by my sibling. I remembered being really little maybe 4 or 5 and being asleep when someone would roll me over on my back and lie next to me?. I remember the pain and how I couldn't move and how confused I was. I didn't know what was happening. It would happen to me every night and they told me not to tell anyone and that it was our secret. I even tried to say "no" once, but I was always shushed. They even told me that I would go to hell for what I was doing with them. "What I was doing with them." Like I was willing and had somehow wanted it. I felt so ashamed then, just as I do now. It eventually stopped when I was 12/13. I haven't told anyone this and have been struggling with it for a long time. I don't think anyone can really help me, but I know I need someone to hear me and know that this happened to me. It wasn't just a dream.