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    Soulkeepers posted:
    At one point I was able to look at myself and explore who I was in all parts.Even from a distance but lately I don't know who I am through all of this mess.With all that's going on I try to hold myself together.The harder I try the more of me breaks away from what I felt was somewhat close to normal.Everything is downright out of normality for me and I have no help,no one I feel I can talk to about what's going on.Not being able to trust anyone is what drives me from letting others hold my feeling and emotions.

    It causes me to isolate my feelings and drive them underground.It has hit the jackpot with scaring the heck of me when it comes to talking to people cause having your trust broken so many times I can't.I feel that my power has been strip of that(letting people know how I feel really).Some don't do it to hurt me but I close that door after so many times of having it happening.I'm sure everyone on here has had their trust broken before and know the feeling.I don't know if I can step out like that again on a(at your own risk)when it comes to My dirty and shameful so call life.

    Thanks for letting me talk.
    awesomelexie1 responded:
    Thank you for trusting the board with what you're going through. Sometimes it can be hard even to write all those things and so I notice your courage in doing so.

    Sometimes it really isn't safe to trust people - sometimes they are out to hurt you, sometimes they just don't have the skills or ability or availability to give what you need, and sometimes they just don't care. In that case it is wise to not share things like SA with them. In those cases, it is a sign of your maturity and wisdom, not just because you're 'broken' because of your past.

    Now the thing you are faced with is finding a way to process and explore those feelings, because they are still there and still having an effect on you, like you said.

    Can you be there for you? What I mean is, when you notice these feelings in you, how do you react? Do you shove them away, feel contempt or shame toward yourself, tell yourself you shouldn't be feeling this way or that you're a burden on others? Or do you receive them with compassion and understanding? That has changed a lot of things for me, when I started doing that. I'm still not consistent but I do notice the difference when I treat myself like I would a friend, and not with the double standard I've been applying to myself all my life.

    I got this in my email today and thought I'd share, as it seems relevant to what I just wrote:

    Dear Lovely Girl,

    Sometimes you are the only one on earth who knows exactly the battles that you have had to fight, the dragons you have had to slay, the muck you have had to walk through, the pain you have had to endure, the strength you have had to build, the wisdom you have had to earn. Sometimes you are the only one who knows the depth that is behind your own eyes.

    For this reason, beautiful friend, it is so important that you give yourself the kind of respect that you would give to someone who has lived through all that you have lived through. It is so important that you are compassionate with yourself, that you are gentle with yourself, that you are patient with yourself. It is so important that you continue to remind yourself that you have made it through tough things and that you will continue to make it through things. It is so important that you give yourself credit for what you have learned so far instead of comparing yourself with others. It is so important that you cheer yourself on, instead of putting yourself through the ringer. It is so important that you are fair and kind with this sacred information that you have about yourself. No one, aside from our Creator, knows what we know about ourselves, and so we must be careful and responsible and a noble guardian over these things.

    You are worth whatever it takes for you to be respectful, kind, patient and good to yourself. Listen to your heart, listen to your dreams, listen to the things that hurt and take care of them. No matter how much someone else loves you, they can not know what it means to BE you, and so you must do the work of BEing you, and taking care of you.

    Take the time, dear friend. You are so important.
    Be good to YOU, so that you can be good to everyone you love, and good AT everything you love.

    You are so very loved.


    A message from your friends at the Brave Girls Club -
    Soulkeepers replied to awesomelexie1's response:
    Thank you for sharing something so moving with me.For taking the time to answer me and I'm glad that you are at that point where you can have compassion and understanding towards your feelings.I'm guessing you reach that point because you were able to pinpoint the culprit and got rid of it.With someone that has the ability and skill to teach you how.I could be wrong but that's what I feel and I'm not even close to that.

    All I have is me dealing with my situation and I'm more broken than anyone ever realize.When I get those feelings I do whatever to push them out or to the side cause I'm sick of dealing with them.They are overwhelming and sometimes overpowering.Til the point where I clench my teeth in hate cause brain flashes are with the feelings that I get.I figure people don't care after my old T just simply threw my trust away without a return call or message.

    I have close off my feelings because I feel I'm a burden to others.Everyone that has told me that they were going to help has not and I was a fool for trusting them.I feel strongly that the ones I have confide in didn't or don't care.So I keep my drama and push them down to protect me cause I'm not being protecting any other way.Everyone that I loved and loved me,I have lost them.With that said I know there's no one else who you looks at me twice with anything positive.

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