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struggling
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MarySings posted:
[TRIGGER] alone

filled with hate
filled with rage
filled with sadness
filled with disgust

why did they choose me?
it wasn't fair

it wasn't fair

it wasn't fair
I can't change the past
I have no hope for the future
the present is so very painful

I am ready, Lord
just take me
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
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MarySings responded:
never mind
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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MarySings replied to MarySings's response:
Shame. How do you get past the shame? I mean, seriously, how do you get past the shame?

Can I just get up tomorrow morning and say, "I have no more shame." I don't think so. Part of shame is embarrassment. Other ways to define shame are uneasy, uncomfortable, chagrin, self-blame, humiliation, dishonored, feeling ridiculous, self-condemnation, self-reproach, mortification.

I have all those feelings about that day of punishment.

Today I looked back at some of the stuff I have written. I wrote about that punishment day in August of 2004! I knew something had happened but didn't remember details until this past spring. Embarrasing? Yes. Mortified? Yes. Humiliated? Yes.

I am so sick of this. These feelings of being trash. Being a non-stop complainer. It's little wonder people on this board even care. Why should they?

I write the same stuff over and over and over.

I'm tired of it, too.

You won't hear from me for a while. I need to find a way through this.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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healingmychild replied to MarySings's response:
Mary I myself have struggle with shame since I remember.I was born with a clef lip and I struggle at school with this embarrasement.As I got older I was shy and the people that would say they love took advantage of me.I think that when you experience sexual abuse it one of the big emotions that we struggle.I faceing my past and dealing with all the emotions of what I went thru it has made me realize I dont need to carry the shame and guilt that has made my life so twisted.I need to constant remind myself that it wasn't my fault IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU.I gave the guilt and shame to this two people that violated me that did it to me NO MORE I NEED TO CARRY IT.I recommend Courage to Heal it help me understand all the feelings that I have carried.Reading about it gives you strength and courage to face all those demons.Remember you are not alone.I myself am starting to feel some feelings.But I go to my affirmations and remind myself Im a survivor and you are too.Take care and dont give up when you feel like that remember you are stronger and we cant fight this its a process of healing.
Healing
 
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awesomelexie1 replied to MarySings's response:
Mary,

I have not read what happened to you in 2004 but I can only imagine it was horrific. You have been through so incredibly much and it hardly seems fair that you are still having to deal with this.

Notice I said having to deal, not exaggerating or making stuff up.

This really happened to you. It really is that big of a deal. It really was that bad.

The shame that you feel.... I always wonder why we take it on ourselves. I know I do, too, take the shame that belongs squarely on those who did the abusing.

I also notice your response to posting...you feel exposed, especially when people don't respond. I often feel that way too. Just wanted to let you know I see you.

Have you ever read The Healing Code? I think that may help significantly... it has helped me in ways I couldn't imagine. Written by a Christian author.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
I hope that the other responses are helpful to you, Mary. Accept the caring whether you understand it or not. (((softhugs)))

No, none of it was/is fair.

And there is no 'why' to it that makes any real sense. This was about how sick THEY were, not anything about you. You didn't choose this, you didn't do anything to choose it; you couldn't. They took that away from you.

This is THEIR shame, not yours.

Please be gentle with yourself as you process all of this and continue to work on your healing.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh


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