Sexual Abuse Survivors Support Community

It doubt it when I told what happened isn't my fault.I do cause if it wasn't then it wouldn't have taking place.And others makes it easier for me to believe that by what they say or do.Just was laying in bed in total darkness and trying to figure out what I've done to not be liked or love by another human soul.Thinking to myself in the dark is a chance to view where I've been and whose been in my life.That's where I came to the conclusion that I have no one in my life and I don't matter to anyone.The message has been there for some time now but I'm just realizing that it's the reason why others don't care enough to listen to what I have to say or see me as being someone.I'm taking it all because they always stay in my back pocket,no one sees it anyway.

Most of my life I was looking to prove my parents wrong with what they had beat into my head about other people.From the first lesson my dad taught which is placing me something high and telling me to jump.He said jump and I'll catch you,looking down at my parents with nothing but fear.About the third or forth time he scream at me to jump and he'll catch me,I did.I closed my eyes and jumped but he didn't catch me and hitting the floor was a lesson to this day still hurts.He said the lesson in that is not to depend on no one but your self cause no one will be there when you fall.I now feel strongly that he may have been telling the truth about the hard lesson.

On Christmas morning my mom and I got into a heated debate during a video chat.A lot of words were spoken on her part they were not very nice at all and I felt that it was my fault she got upset.And thinking in darkness I discovered that she too could be right about what was said.I'm taking it all whatever happened is all my fault I'll wear the blame and scars,carry the guilt,Keep the shame,suffer the aftermath of the abuse,walk the path alone that leads to nowhere,stay powerless and stay hidden like people already sees me.The mirror shows me as I feel others believe me to be and that just garbage.I can't hand my shameful life to anyone cause it's not fair to them and I deserve all that's conflicted on me.

Thanks for letting me pour out my garbage on here.