On top of having to bury my father this week and all of the mixed emotions with it. On saturday a fellow coworker was gunned down in a armed robbery.....It makes me feel so vunerable. I spoke to him friday night. and four hours later he is gone. It just makes me sick. I am so overwhelmed with emotion. Anger towards my dad and sadness for my coworker. What was his last thoughts? My heart is broken.
Put some oompfh behind that anger. Go to a thrift store and get some glass to throw. (down on a cement floor/into a empty dumpster etc)
That kind of emotion can build inside you to suffocating toxic levels. It just boils and stews and goes no where. You need to find a cathartic release to vent it.
Some of us stubbornly refuse to give up control and be at the mercy of our emotions. Fearful of allowing that unchained part of ourselves to be loose. Afraid maybe that once loose, it can never be controlled again.
(((((Az))))) take care of you in all this. That is a whole gamut of emotions pummeling you.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
Take a second at a time...a minute at a time....hour at a time...BREATHE, BREATHE, take the emotions talk to someone or write them when you are down. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with supportive and people that will listen. Healing
~I am entitled to my own truth.~ There's more than anger,more than sadness,more than terror.There's Hope ~Edith Horning
This is my only outlet right now. Tomorrow I bury my father and I have so much to say to him....I want to write him a letter but my brain hurts too much. My heart hurts. Not for him. I feel so much hatred for him. I have always longed for a father. I haven't been able to look at him. I can't. I have been trying to stay away from "family" I am here to say goodbye and I am going home. I am so angry at them. How do let it go? How do leave those feelings here? I am afraid to look at him in his casket I might just start to yell at him. I am so ANGRY. I didn't have a choice He took so much from me. My family is unhealthy from me....This will probably be the last time I ever come back home.
I don't have much to look forward too when I get back home. My heart hurts for my fellow associates. He was such a good man. He was always so positive no matter what was going on. He offered me some good advice from time to time. What a tragic way to die. I feel very vunerable and sad. It makes you feel unsafe. Like is so precious you never know when your time will be up. It blows my mind that I spoke to him on friday and saturday he is gone. I can't wrap my head around that? I am shock over it all. I don't know how I am going to make thru all of this. All I can do is cry and be angry. I hate being home. My "family" had manipulated me once again to come back for the funeral. Why do I let them control me? They have been blaming me for everything. I revert inward. I have not been able to stick up for myself. I dont know if I will be able to get thru tomorrow. The only comfort I have is that tomorrow afternoon I get on a plane and fly home.
I made it home. I am stuck between angry,confused, and sad. I see my tdoc today. I hope she can help me sort thru these feelings. I know self care is the key. I don't know what to do. I feel nautseous and sick to my stomach. I said goodbye to somethings yesterday....I will never put myself in that position with my family again....He physically and sexually abused me but they emotionally abused me. I wonder why my self-esteem is non-exsistant. My mother has always hated me and I can't change that. I now know that. My heart is heavy today. The next funeral is on wednesday. I'm not sure if I can do this. When will it all stop? This year has been bad so far. I just want some peace. Is that to much to ask for???? I am at my wits end....
I know you're reeling right now and I know it doesn't feel like it, but everything you wrote tells me that as painful as this time has been, you will come out the other side of it with more strength and peace within.
I hope the session with your tdoc helps you today.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
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