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BIG TRIGGER - use caution if you are not safe
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DOGDANCING_TCOS posted:
[TRIGGER]
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    I have a memory that I have gone over and over in therapy. I have hurt myself endlessly over and have spent a life time regretting my actions. Its brutal.

    Something triggered it to come up abruptly tonight and for the first time I noticed a detail that even though I experienced it, have seen in over and over a 100 times in head, talked over it in therapy etc, never really sunk in.

    When this incident occurred....I was not alone. There is another child with me.

    My life nearly took another direction, a dark sinister path. Even after much effort with my therapists we were unable to unravel what changed the path of the events. None of me takes credit for doing it. What ever, whom ever altered my path that day is a mystery.

    auugh, I can't put it down what happened. it scares me even to this day just how bleeping close I came to harming another child. Just how far my abuse pushed me. Just how dark my soul can be.

    just how close to that edge i got. my toes over it and the dirt from the edge falling into the abyss.

    The other kid with me has to be ____________. It can't be anyone else. But I can't see her. But in the memory she is always there. The object of the incident may have even been her brother. I have over time faded his face so I don't have to see it. blunting the memory to stop it from plunging knives into my heart when it comes up.

    I don't think I instigated what happened. but I was physically older.

    (*&^%&$ I didn't touch that boy. I undid his button and unzipped his pants then ran. leaving her and him alone in the park bathroom.

    i ran home. i did the right thing. now i am wondering did she start it? was I just following what she was up to?

    argh...my past so much pain. not enough skin to whip from my body to pay for all the effects of waht happened to me.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
  • Reply
     
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
    [TRIGGER] PLEASE DO NOT discuss this subject with her - this one always turns out bad. very bad.

    No one can help her with this. Many have tried.

    and to you, little one...hell yes you came frightneningly close to a altered future, but you didn't go down that path. YOU CHOOSE NOT TO. pearing down the throat of the mosnter is not the same as going down it. YOU REMOVED YOURSELF FROM THE SITUATION. YOU DIDN'T CROSS THAT LINE. YOU RAN HOME. YOU REMOVED YOU.

    Ste
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
     
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    [TRIGGER]
  • ******************************************** **************************** ********************************* ************************** *************
    CAUTION: HUGE TRIGGER FOR ABUSED CHILDREN BECOMING ABUSERS DISCUSSION **************
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    I am not so sure I agree with Ste about not discussing this.

    His heightened guardianship of me last night is the effect the unrest in all of me from the memory ambush.

    After a rough night and some sleep and a clear head this morning. I think I do want to talk about this.

    First I want to share what set me off. I was watching breech birth videos on Youtube and as always I end up following links on the side and get swept away to all parts unknown. When a link came up that showed a beautiful child and was simply titled "Mary Flora Bell" I clicked on it.


    If you are not familiar with her story I will caution you its a huge trigger. When she was a preteen she killed two small children.


    Her story brought to mind the memory that set me off last night.


    What tipped the balance and REALLY upset me was doing a little further investigation and finding out this little girl's mother was a prostitute and the mothers clients abused her.


    This is not to say that her actions are justified because she suffered sexual abuse as a child. Just that it makes the actions understandable. (though no less horrific.)


    The human mind is strong and yet so vulnerable. It fascinates me. How one person can crumble and give in to primitive instincts and another can brush it off and rise to goodness.


    How right/wrong is learned and to a extent just known.


    Not all abused children become abusers. Though some do.


    I did.


    gawd that is painful to type.


    As an adult I take full responsibility for all the actions I did to all the children younger than me.


    Even though my therapists argue with me that my actions that happened, while I was still a child actively being abused, stand separate. And I as an adult with a different head space can't look at those and take responsibility.


    Bull (deleted).


    Oh hell yes all the boundaries got shot to hell in my childhood.
    Love you = pain


    your so pretty = pain


    affection = pain


    rape = physical pleasure


    the list goes on.


    But:


    wrong always = wrong.


    I hunted up my original therapy notes about the event at the park. There I have recorded the events and they are not blurred or faded by time/memory.


    I am alone on the swings. Gone there to escape my house.


    A older girl joins me, and later a boy (8 or 9ish).


    we end up in the bathroom (how and why I do not know) with the boy blindfolded and gagged. His arms behind his back.


    I undid his snap and his zipper and when his belly moves as the result I turn and run. I can clearly see and feel me flying down the hill.


    I knew what just happened was wrong.


    I still know what happened was wrong.


    I have been haunted by that day for a lifetime. I still have nightmares about that. I will see that boy standing there in the bathroom alone.


    I think I fought my therapist so hard on this one because after going over it and over it, none of me spoke up and said they were the ones who took me out of the situation. As in....I was the one who took action. Not an alter, ME.


    That something in the core of me stopped me that day.


    I was holding onto something that had survived all the attempts of the abuse to eradicate it from me.


    I think what spooked me so bad about reading that girls story was I possibly was heading down that same path.


    That boy in the bathroom was lured there. restrained and nearly molested....and who knows what else if I hadn't altered the path.


    extremely frightening to think of the what might have beens.


    and also extremely frightening to think that I stood in abuser shoes that afternoon. That I tried them on. That I would ever EVER think about doing to another what was done to me.


    As an adult that just makes me cry and hurt, but as a child I lacked that insight.


    and there lies the problem. Some pain can't be healed.







    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
  •  
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    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    I agree with your past therapists but what I really find important is that YOU did choose not to hurt this one. You made that choice despite all you were going through and had been through. That's huge.

    I also find the mind fascinating, how we survive, how we find tools within ourselves in so many varied ways, and more.

    Be gentle with yourself, Paja.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
     
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    [TRIGGER]
  • *************************************** *************************** ********* **************************** ******************************** ******************************* ***********************************

    got real brave and looked at the therapy sketches I did of the mentioned incident.

    interestingly, the boy is not gagged in any of them. Re-reading all my therapy notes there is no mention of if. The focus of those notes was to highly detail every minute detail.

    Somewhere over the years I have added that to the memory. Just as I have blurred his face and almost nearly eradicated the other girl who was there.

    I remember when they had me do the initial writing. It was sooooooooooo difficult. Now I am grateful, since the actual memory has become corrupted and unreliable.

    I did a quick mental flip through my more traumatic memories and that one is the only one I have altered to that degree...to the point its actually changed.

    I wish I had a EEG machine and a Catscan/mri what ever to do brain scans. I would love to know what my brain is doing when I remember the truth and then the altered version of the memory.

    the remorse/guilt of this I think plays into why the memory has been altered. Though still triggering as all hell, the memory now leaves me with a puzzled feeling like, did that really happen? or am I imagining it? Which leads to a buffered/muted feeling when the memory comes up. Easier to mentally deal with vs the original raw reaction.

    I am careful with any recovered memories that I have crop up 10 years post therapy. I question any of them that I cannot date/prove/find substantial back up info for. I even question alters memories with the same criteria.

    This particular memory is fading today. Sinking back into the recesses of my mind. Resisting my attempts to look further at it. Resetting itself for its next ambush.

    Which is okay. I couldn't function if all my gut wrenching memories were on the surface all the time.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
  •  
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    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    I am equally leery of memories for the same reason and have often been rigorous in getting outside confirmation of certain events. (Thankfully, I was able to do that for some so that validated what I was remembering.) Not trusting one's own mind can be disconcerting.

    And yes, it is okay that this one is fading now into the background noise. It IS too hard to always live on the edge emotionally.

    Glad you're making it through this.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
     
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
  • ****************************************** *************************** *********** **************** ************* **************** ********* ******************************************* **********************

    hmmm...today I feel like I no longer have the right to be here on this board.

    that the actions of my childhood have changed the way I view myselves.

    yes I suffered childhood sexual abuse, and while a child still in that atmosphere became an abuser myself.

    hell I was a physical abuser as well if you really think about it..the self injury plants me firmly in that catagory too.

    uugh,

    abuse sure (DELETED)'s up your mind.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
  •  
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@@@@@@@@@

    WOULD YOU STOP USING THAT WORD!!!!

    what happened between you and the men in the attic was ABUSE, they ABUSED you.

    the flock of neglected children that banded together and the relationship turned incestuous was not abusesive. It was sexually innapropriate but not abuseive. the effects of that turned sour as you all aged and got old enough to face the facts that what was going on was wrong.

    Have you sexually touched anyone since turning 17 1/2? Have you?

    This is exactly why you need to be here. You are not the only survior to deal with this. You have the guts to speak up so others fighting the same issues will know there not alone. I guarentee you are NOT the only one fighting this. Grrr.

    Ste
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
     
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    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    You were a physical abuser of yourself which is a path that MANY who have been sexually abused go down, including myself.

    I know this is hard for you. But back away from thinking of yourself in an extremist way. You are not as bad as you seem to believe right now. I know you know that somewhere within you. Just as I know that first you were a victim. And the ramifications of being a victim can often go in directions which are unhealthy and beyond.

    What you should focus on is how you are not that person anymore, that you take rigorous steps now to take care of others, including your own children. You chose to break the unhealthy cycle with your life.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh


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