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    az330 posted:
    I'm so tired of being used. I'm just kinda shocked. Some people will never learn.....I blame myself for letting my gaurd down....Disappointed in myself. The abuse is happening all over again. Do I have a sign on my head or something???

    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
    Az, abuse takes your power away. It can make you as a grown up feel like a small child again and you just give up the power you have.

    If the abuse if happening again then that is a huge red flag that you have more work to do. Therapy should work on restoring your power and the control of your life to you.

    It takes practice too. Maybe you fell for the same crap again, but did you see it sooner this time? You somehow have recognized that you are in an abusive place in your life again. Take a second to let yourself know that that is a good sign.

    That you can recognize abuse and that you are no longer comfortable with it is a big thing. You are starting the chain of events that will lead to further healing and taking back your power. Don't be disappointed. You are learning skills and practicing them.

    Are you safe? Have you gotten yourself out of the situation?
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    az330 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    I've been trying to reply back but I just can't get the words out. My worst nightmare has come true. I vowed to myself to not be victimized again. I guess I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I just can't talk about it
    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to az330's response:
    That's okay not to be able to talk about it. We are hear if you need us.

    I want to share a post I wrote for someone here on the board who was dealing with a rape a few years back. I hope you can find something in the words to help you.

    ************ re-post ***************

    For you (triggery?)
    Posted: Oct 17, 2007
    Replying to:XXXXXXXXXXX

    Something you said keeps nagging at me to address it. I am just poking my nose in your buisness as someone who crosses your path occasionally. Just hear me out cause when my heart says to speak I must.

    this may be triggery as the subject is rape.

    We say all the time here on the board that "its in the past, that you are in control now, the danger is passed etc." giving the impression that sexual abuse is something that each day we walk further from. That on the healing journey we walk away and never go back. That once abused and grown it never happens again. That some how we are impowered and wiser and so incontrol that we are never placed in the victem role again.

    but it can happen again. It does happen again. To be a survivor and feel healed and strong and confident and ready to reach out and try again and risk being vulerable to meet the basic need of finding someone to conect with and be with. To have it back fire and explode and leaving you feeling inside out and lost. Wondering what the (deleted) happened? Wondering is there a sign on me that says "rape me".

    Do you handle it any diffent than the past abuse? when you are a grown person is it easier? I dont thinks so. There is even more baggage. As children we have no power, when it happens to adults we have power. What good is power if it cant stop some (deleted) from raping you?

    I hope you know its not your fault. Exstending trust to someone and letting them into your life is NOT an open invitation for rape. Wanting and needing someone to be there for you is NOT an open invitation for rape. Hell just being a woman is not an open invitation for rape.

    How dare he disrespect you like that.

    .*Throws a trash can at his head*....(not not a rubber made one, a industrial dumpster size one)

    I hope you threw him out and pressed charges or at least threw him out and severed all ties (or severed "ahem" something else).

    I hope you were feeling powerful enough to get away and not stay trying to make it better or fix it.

    I wish I could have hugged you. Held you as the flood of the past crashed into the present leaving you dazed and feeling like you were being sucked under quicksand.

    I wish I could have been there to relight your lantern he blew out.

    You amaze me. Your strength and presence. To offer support and compassion while tending new wounds. To speak of hope and light when you yourself may have doubted.

    The anniversery is coming up soon. I hope you do not look at it as "the day I was raped", but rather, a day I get to go on living my life. Let him take nothing from you further.

    peace be the journey

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to az330's response:
    Dear AZ,

    I'm not sure anymore if what Paja wrote was originally written to me but it could have been. The timing and the circumstances were the same and I remember her writing to me at the time.

    Please don't be too hard on yourself. I'm so sorry for what happened in the past and what just recently happened. I really REALLY understand. Healing and empowerment is still possible.

    And none of this is your fault. (((safehugs)))
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    (I did write that for you Caprice. I at the time left it vaguely addressed because I wasn't sure if you were open to hearing anything on the topic and unaddressed it gave you the option to ignore it....I also think AZcould benefit from hearing your reply at the time. I didn't post it to protect your privacy/keep from compelling you to talk on the subject against your will.)

    AZ I hope you take time to comfort yourself. Now isn't the time to be mad or angry with yourself. You need to treat you with all the compassion and understanding you have ALWAYS deserved from the get go and didn't get.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    az330 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
  • ****************************************************************
    I am bruised....My body hurts. I have pain meds. I wish it would take away what I feel inside. I am lost. I don't know how to feel. I think I am in shock that this has happend to me. The concelation is the meds make me sleepy. All I can do sleep. What a crappy year this has been. When will it stop raining on me? I just want to live. Is that too much to ask for????? I don't know how much more my heart can bear? I feel like a house of cards everytime I start to build my house the wind comes and knocks my house down. I am lost...
    az330 replied to az330's response:

    Restless night. I can't sleep anymore. I have so much on my mind. I can feel his hands all over me. I feel dirty. Why did I freeze? Why was I paralyzed? The rush of the past is hitting hard. I just don't have the energy to fight.....I have nothing left to give. I am so lost. Why? I have no answers. Sorry if this doesn't make sense.

    Lost and have no words anymore
    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to az330's response:
    TRIGGER***********************************************************[br>TRIGGER************************************ **********************

    It wont help but I can explain why you froze. Doesn't matter how grown up you are, the instant you get a body memory triggered you are what ever age you were in the past. Once his touch caused your body to react you are just a passenger and its like a time transporter.

    Hard to stand up for yourself as an adult when your guts are those of a small child.

    .*I set down my lantern, and increase the flame till its as bright as I can make it*
    I have no magic words that can fix this for you, wish I did. I can offer just this. A fellow traveler to sit with you and hold your hand so you know you have been heard and seen.
    I'm sorry dear one.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    az330 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
  • ******************************************************************
    Paja it makes sense but it doesn't make me feel better. I can't trust myself. I can't even protect myself. I feel like an empty shell of a person. Like a waste of a human being. I feel I have been stripped of the little bit of dignity I had left. The memories of the past keep flooding me. The events of the present are fresh in my mind. I don't see how healing is possible.
    Thank you for holding my hand. I am scared and alone.

    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to az330's response:
    Hi AZ,

    I froze as well when I was raped a few years ago in the exact same manner that I was sexually abused as a child. And it threw me as well.

    I was able to rely on what I'd learned in therapy from years before to get me through that more recent situation. I was fortunate I had already laid all that groundwork.

    You will find your way again, AZ, and you will find your strength. Keep working in therapy on all of it.

    I know you're tired and scared right now. Please be gentle with yourself and keep talking here.

    Paja, I figured that's what you were doing and I really appreciate your discretion.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    az330 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I will see my therapist today. I am not sure what I am going to say....Everything is raw right now. I feel so vunerable and exposed.
    Caprice you are a strong woman I don't know if can get thru this. I feel so alone. Were you flooded with memories? They are hitting me hard right now. Thank you for your listening and understanding. I feel so scared.

    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to az330's response:
    Yes, I was, AZ, memories and feelings I thought were long past, it all came flooding back, as did the feeling of being a helpless little girl. It did pass, I did heal.

    If I can get through this, if any of us can get through this, you can too. We're not any more special or stronger than you are, dear AZ, I promise you.

    And you've got all of us and your therapist.

    Remember to breathe.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    melisfit replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I am horrified to learn what happened to you. I know you're scared and hurt, but you are definitely not alone. You are in my heart. mellie
    marysings replied to melisfit's response:
    AZ, my heart hurts for you.

    I pulled the oversize rocking chair out of the closet. Come sit for a while under the pink blanket. You don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to say anything at all.

    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.

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