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artchick88 posted:
I don't have anywhere else to go with this right now. I was sexually abused as a child by my brother. I told my parents we talked about it once and it was never brought up again. I never went to counseling, and was left to deal with everything. The only thing that helped was painting, the reason I am an artist is because it helped me overcome so much.
Because of this I became a teacher to help other people. This is my first year of teaching, I had my first student tell me about abuse. It has sent me spiraling. Seeing my student in the same pain I felt doing the same things I do when I am not doing well was overwhelming.
I shut down I didn't want to be in class any more, I had to tell the administration it was a lot for me to handle. I went home and laid on my bed and didn't feel like moving, fell asleep for 2 hours. My parents came to visit this weekend, I don't feel like being around them, It hurts to act like everything is just fine. I can't tell them whats going on I can't talk to them about anything. Most the time I am ok, but then there are days like this. I want to be ok, I pretend to be ok. I get in bad relationships the guys are usually emotionally abusive and very physical, I am worried I wont ever be ok, I am worried that I wont be able to help the kids I want to be able to help. I don't know what to do... I just want to forget about it and have it not effect me I just want to be normal. Im sick to my stomach, I have tried therapy but I get nervous and stop going. I am afraid if I do I will feel like this all of the time. Right now I usually can push it all away for a little while. I need help.
welcmone, glad you found us, but so sorry you have need to be here.

I am on the way out the door for a 10 hour work day. I will post more tommorrow, just wanted to welcome you.

Peace be the journey

I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
marysings responded:
All of your thoughts and fears are very understandable.

I know therapy can sometimes be a difficulty. Therapists want to help so they work their way into our souls. The garbage comes up and it's scary. You can't get through it unless you have a helper. Therapists have heard it all, trust me. They want to help you. I want to encourage you to return to therapy. Yes, the bad stuff comes to surface. You will never reach the place where the memories leave but with proper help, you can reach a place where they don't hurt so badly.

As far as your parents. They don't want to talk about incest because it puts them in a position of favoring one child over another. That pain is most likely too much for them. Don't talk about the incest with them.

Keep writing here if it helps you. We borderlines need to stick together!

Work hard towards healing from the pain and go back to that classroom so you can be passionate with kids who want an adult friend to help them get through the garbage at home. You may never know it, but a hug or pat on the back may make all the difference in a child's life.

All the best,
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
artchick88 replied to marysings's response:
Thank you for your advice, I'm glad I have the weekend to gather myself before having to go back to the classroom. I am super nervous about having to Be involved more in the process of reporting the abuse of this student, I hope I am strong enough to handle it.

I want to go back to therapy but have the fear that they won't tho k I need to be there that they will think I am stupid and need to just get over it. My parents told me when this all happened to forgive and forget... I have not done either Nd feel horrible for it.

I'm glad to have a place to talk about this, the few that know don't always understand because they have not en through this. Thank you for your advice I need it
marysings replied to artchick88's response:

I will pray for you this coming week.

And remember: YOU are not to blame for the abuse. YOU didn't deserve it, YOU didn't ask for it.

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
artchick88 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
Thank you for the welcome.
Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to artchick88's response:
It's now a couple of days later and you've returned to school.... how did it go? How are you doing?

I hope you do return to therapy; therapy will help you move through it all, difficult as it can be at times.

I'm sorry for your need to be here but glad you found us.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
artchick88 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Better. Not fully back but things are working out, and I think that this whole issue is turning into a positive thing. I saw the student today and they were so friendly and sweet to me.... I realized that they didn't hate me for telling when they didn't want me too. I also have realized that I have things I need to work on and deal with. That as much as you push every thing away it eventually will force its way to the surface.

I made an appointment for therapy. Im am nervous but I know I need to do it and not get scared and run away. I have good friends who helped me realize I needed to be strong enough for myself to take care of myself.

Im glad I found all of you, thank you for your encouraging words.
Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to artchick88's response:
That's a wonderful realization and I'm so glad you were there for that child and that you've been motivated to work on some lingering issues in therapy.

Let us know how it all goes for you.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh

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