Sexual Abuse Survivors Support Community

I am not doing a good job of pretending this weekend. I am such a grouch, and I can't help it. I want to be alone I don't want to have to entertain all the family in town. Having to share my space when I feel like this is extremely hard. I have to hide my journals whenever my mom is in town because in the past she has taken them and read them. I feel like I am on emotional/mental overload and can't use my normal coping because there are so many people around that keep adding to the pile. I feel like a bad person, this isn't me Im a happy person but after everything that has happened this week all the triggers in my life this week, I have a hard time just feeling ok. I need a few days to just be alone. I hope I don't sound like I am complaining too much; I do try to look for the good in life but sometimes it gets well exhausting. Im venting and I hope that is ok.

I have had a hard time with guys lately. One hurt me extremely bad he used me for sex. Every time he would make me feel like he would leave me if I wouldn't have sex with him and then I would give in and he would still stop talking to me for weeks or months… I went back to him 4 times- what is wrong with me. The last 2 weeks there has been a new guy so nice so sweet, but I want nothing to do with him the niceness scares me. I am not use to being treated like that by men. So I start ignoring him, it is what I do to everyone who gets too close or scares me. He texted and called over and over and I keep ignoring. Last night he finally asked me to please be honest with him and tell him why when he thought we had such a good thing going that I would just disappear. I answered that I was scared; that I had a lot of issues I was dealing with at the moment blah blah blah. He got mad, he said he was paying for all these other guys mistakes and that when I got over all my "issues" to "hit him up"- There it is what I was waiting for the niceness was an act he is another one of the pigs.

Im so sick of it, I would rather be alone forever. I was so angry and I know I will never be able to find a good relationship because of my "ISSUES" I hate my ISSUE the one that isn't my fault I didn't want it, the abuse has changed my life I often think what would I be like if these things had never happened to me… guess I will never know.- I need my space, I need to not be around family and that makes me sad because it is mothers day and I am not being the nicest to mine today but I feel like I can't help it, I am angry with her lately for her role in my abuse. Im just a little angry.