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Merry-go-round (TRIGGER)
lovely_lemon_tree posted:
Round 'n' round the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel
The monkey thought it was only a joke.
"Pop" goes the weasel.

So. June 4, this Monday, is a HUGE anniversary day for me. Luckily I will be starting a new job that day, but that only lasts until the afternoon. Then there's the rest of the day to deal with.

My therapist wants to know if I'm "stable" enough to start working on the really upsetting, disgusting SA stuff. I don't know what to tell her. Maybe? I guess that's the problem with moving as often as I do -- a long-term therapist would know the story of my abuse. And I wouldn't have to keep "coming out" with it again and again and again. So I'm faced with the question... do I spit it all out like I did before, with my previous therapist? Or do I simply keep alluding to it, like I have been for the past six months?

For those of you who are old-timers, you will remember my (very long) post detailing every single thing I could remember about the SA. I kept coming back and coming back with more to tell, there was more that had temporarily purged itself from my memory, until Paja outright told me to stop and take a break. I saved that post. It's tucked away in my documents folder under "therapy and case management."

I thought I would print it out. And then give it to my current therapist.

The SA stuff that went on was so horrific in my mind, I just don't want more than one person to know it. I feel as if since I already shared it with Barb, my previous therapist, she's the one person I chose to know everything. All of it. She knew about the molestation when I was 2, when I was 12, the emotional molestation by a family friend, and then as the crowning glory, the entire story of the "per se" SA.

I feel that by sharing it with my current therapist, I've ... spread it around and smeared it. You know, like when you're young, a secret is very important if you tell it to only one person. Somehow, the more you tell the secret, the less important it becomes.

That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to tell everyone about it, because then I will 1.) become desensitized to it (and I don't want to do that) and 2.) I'll make it less important and have less of an impact. It was such an impactful lesson to me and I don't want to take away from it.

This seems silly.

But I can't help the way I feel. And I can't continue to sit across from my therapist, wasting her time twice a week, wordless.
  • ************************************** ************************ *********** ************************************ *******************

    just catching you up to date so you know where I am coming from today..I having a major reaction to the prednisone and not rowing with any oars right now so please becareful talking to us. I am bleeping crazy manic rigth now...

    But we wanted to tell you this.

    Its not silly at all.

    Talking about it forces you to process it and each time you do it does lessen the impact on you.

    I can rattle off my stuff like a grocery list now. Being able to do so has not lessened the lessons I learned or deminished the impact the abuse had/has on me.

    its okay to let that death grip on teh abuse go LLT, its feels sooo much better to have power over IT vs it having power over YOU.

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    marysings responded:
    LLT, I don't mean to be rude but I'm not getting why you don't want to be desensitized to your trauma. Isn't that why we go to therapy?

    I want my trauma to impact me less. I want to get to the place Paja is in, able to talk about the past like reading a grocery list. I'm tired of the tears, tired of the memories, tired of everything.

    If it is still difficult for you to talk about your past, then by all means give it to your therapist in writing. Doing that will give her direction to move you into some effective therapy.

    I love you, LLT. We've been friends for what now? ... eight years? Nine years? I just want the best for you.

    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to marysings's response:
    Hugs back.

    I dunno, Mary. It just seems like if I actually release the death-grip I've got on the trauma, then I won't be... "sick" anymore. I won't be "disabled" anymore. I haven't been "well" in probably more than ten years now and even though it's a third of my life, it's just crashed by in this blur of treatment, treatment, and treatment.

    Maybe if I let go of the trauma, I just won't be important anymore. I won't be worth anyone's time or money. And I certainly will not be worth worrying about. It's as if I think I will disappear.
    melisfit replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    it hurts my heart to hear that you think you'll cease to be important if you let go of the trauma. LLT, You Are Important! You will always be important. Please do what will best for you in the long term. No matter what you decide to share with your therapist, everyone here will still care about you. ((hugs))
    slik_kitty replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    we are not the abuse. it doesn't define us. yes it does hurt us and turn our lives upside down, but it doesn't make us who we are. we can heal from it and we can move past it. being sick and disabled isn't who you are, it is what happened to you. so healing from the abuse doesn't change who you are or how we feel about you. you will always be important, because it is you who is important, not the abuse. hugs

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