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    today's therapy
    marysings posted:
    I walked into Dr.B's office, put my purse on the floor, threw my workbook onto the blue chair, and standing up I told Dr.B that I was sick of my life. Depression moves up and down and I live on a wire, wondering when I might fall off again.

    The workbook is dredging up some pretty nasty things and I told him I was sick of doing homework. He looked up and said "we don't have to do the workbook" but I told him I paid for the blasted book and I was going to get through it as long as I didn't lose my mind by the end. I told him I was sick of therapy and he asked if we needed a break and I told him no, I would go bonkers if it weren't for therapy.

    I finally sat down and Dr.B said he was proud of me. Me? Yes, because I am learning to express myself without fear of physical retaliation. (childhood lessons)

    I told him that I was sick of being this way. Abuse fills my brain when I get up in the morning and then all day it waves in my face. I told him that blasted workbook was really getting to me, bringing up all sorts of feelings and emotions that I didn't want to face.

    Then Dr.B said I was in a typical pattern that he has seen for the past 9 years. I feel very good for several weeks, something triggers me, and I forget that I felt good and how that felt, so I plummit to the ground in despair and depression. He prompted me to answer some questions but I got tired of listening and I opened the workbook ready for that discussion. I think I was very rude but like I said, I don't like me very much right now.

    I see him again on June 26. He said to keep working in the book and to take breaks when I needed to. He said, don't stop with one chapter, keep going through the book. And he reminded me that I can always call for help or get in to see him.

    It's been a tiring day. I feel bad that I yelled at Dr.B and said all those things, but it was good to get it out.
    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
    az330 responded:
    Hugs! You are doing the best that you can now. Hang in there. Wish I could take your pain away.

    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    I like how you stood up for yourself and you also heard what he was saying.

    Please keep in mind that it really is okay to take breaks from the workbook. When I was working through one I could not do it constantly; it was all too much. Give yourself the gift of taking time away now and then and doing something entirely different and for yourself.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Wow, Mary. That took some nerve -- and it paid off! Dr, B didn't yell at you in return, he didn't punish you, he took it and more than that, was able to see and point out your progress!

    (I wish I was able to do that. Instead I go from therapist to therapist, depending on which time zone I happen to be living in at the time, trying to be the "good" patient, the "ideal" client, yet the facade of the smiley face is beginning to crack.)

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