[TRIGGER] Hi everyone. thankk you for taking the time to read this. I was molested by my Father from ages 10 to 14/15 years old.. the whole time he thought I didnt know because he came when I was "asleep". I never had a close relationship with my mother, who was emotionally neglectful and physically abusive.. Currently, I am 22 in an almost 4 yr relationship with my 33 yr old BF where we are trying to get over the fact that i've cheated on him on 5 different occasions.. hes loving and amazing and i want to heal for the sake of us, but mainly for myself. When I would cheat, it was usually not even on the agenda.. and when it would happen, the guilt would come from performing the act, and i never loved my BF any less.. I thought I could handle the guilt on my own because i knew my own intentions weren't to hurt anyone, I was just selfish and wanted to feel "whole" regardless..
I seem to always look to men for love or approval or even comfort.. before i met my current BF, i was very easily swayed to have sex or i would even seek it for myself if i was lonely.. my ex bf use to make me feel like crap and destroyed my self esteem without me even realizing it untill the aftermath.. i've come to realize the behaviour i miscategorized as showing love and concern was actually controlling behaviour and (this is the hardest part) i feel that it has alienated my boyfriend and done a number on his own self esteem.. the point of all this is, why do i associate sex as something other than only for relationships? how can i get over the BPD that may have resulted from my abuse? I want the strength to avoid controlling behaviour to come from within.. i see my issues as the root of the problem and if i heal, everything will come with time.. Really, His happiness is whats concerning me.. i want him to feel hes in a healthy relationship.
I do not think your feelings about men and sex is unusual. I really encourage you to get in to individual therapy to help you sort all this out, and for the two of you to enter into couples counseling.
It is possible to heal from all this, both personally and as a couple. But it's going to take a lot of time, commitment and work on both your parts.
And keep talking here if it helps.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
Hi. I just want to welcome you. I'm sorry I didn't repsond earlier. I'm not able to read much on this board right now- I'm triggered very easily at this point. I did want to welcome you though and let you know that I look forward to getting to know you. I think that you'll see that the traffic on the board ebbs and flows depending on how everyone is doing. The number of responses you get at a particular point in time is definitely impacted by this. There are a lot of great people here who are amazingly caring and supportive. I hope that you continue to talk here. Along with working with a therapist, it is very helpful to have somewhere to come and talk with people who understand what you are going through.
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