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Saying how I feel
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az330 posted:
Lonelieness is consuming me.
Lack of trust is controlling me
Fear is confining me to these four walls.
The emotions are unbearable
The bad thoughts are always there.
I have been sentenced to life of hell.
You escaped the grips of the law and left me an empty shell of what I used to be.
I am falling apart and everyone around me says they understand but do they really? Nobody knows the struggles I have on daily basis....
I'm slipping farther and farther into the darkness, pretty soon no one will be able to see me in that darkness.
Alone and cold I sit and wait, and wait for what? Someone to rescue me? That will not happen.
I have been violated for the last time.
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lovely_lemon_tree responded:
That sounds like strength in your last line, AZ. I admire your resolve.

But I'm also a little frightened. What are you trying to tell us?

Know that we're with you, fighting for you, every day.
 
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melisfit replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Az,
You're not alone in the dark. I'm here with you and I've brought a nice warm quilt, a lantern, a thermus full of hot chocolate, and a hand to hold. mellie
 
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az330 responded:
[TRIGGER] I am struggling to stay present. Flashbacks are consuming my life.Everything is triggering. I went and got a haircut today and I felt so trapped. It took everything in me to stay present. I feel I have hit rock bottom. I am tired of fighting for my sanity. I cut myself and it felt great. I feel guilty about it now but I can change it.... I am sorry I cannot write me more I am exhausted and have a headache.

AZ
 
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melisfit replied to az330's response:
((hugs))
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to az330's response:
When I was going through the worst of it in terms of therapy and working on my abuse, everything triggered me too, flashbacks galore, and there was one flip out in a dentist's chair (I have no fear of going to the dentist usually) for the same reason you described.

I share that just to let you know that this level of intensity will ease. It can get better.

Please be gentle with yourself and take care of those wounds. I hope that you and your t are working on coming up with some coping strategies for yourself and/or giving yourself ways to break away from this now and then. It's exhausting. (((softhugs)))
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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az330 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
I feel detached from everything today. I feel nothing. What a strange feeling. I am not going to complain. Flashback free for once.
My wounds are healing and I know my t will not be happy about the new wounds.
We have been working on coping strategies that work for me. I know I am not the perfect client and I have alot wrong with me. Sometimes I wonder why she doesn't just drop me. Today is a day of self soothing....I have been wrapped in a blanket all day....
I am glad I am not alone in flipping out. You are right it is exhausting.
AZ
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to az330's response:
She doesn't drop you because she's there to help you. You don't have to be 'perfect'. Anyone dealing with all you're dealing with is going to take time to heal and she knows that.

I hope the self soothing day helps to ease the pressure for a while.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh


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