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I hate this...
writejessss posted:
I hate that I am in this spot again. I'm working on stuff in therapy that I've never been able to touch before...and I'm making progress with it. The problem...the body memories and self harm urges are back, along with the struggles to remain present. I hate this place. And the cluster of migraines that I'm stuck in at the moment aren't helping.

I have several doctor appointments again in the next two weeks- trying to get other health issues taken care of. I'm nervous about some tests tomorrow where I'll have to partially disrobe. Likely to be a bit triggering. The problem is that it is an hour and a half drive each way and I'm struggling to remain present when I'm triggered right now. Although I don't have anyone going down with me, I am meeting up with some friends afterwards and will have someone riding back with me. I think on the way down....I'll probably get something sour to chew on to help me stay present and...I guess hope for the best.

I'm getting so close to the end of this stuff. I know I'll probably continue to deal with triggers from time to time- likely for the rest of my life, but if I can just get past this part of things I may be able to réclame some of the most important aspects of life. This is the hope that is keeping pushing forward, but...where I'm at right now sucks!

melisfit responded:
I'm so sorry that things are so tough right now. I'm glad that you'll be meeting friends after your tests. At least there is a little something to look forward to. But, I wish you had someone to drive down with you as well as back home. Keep you company and maybe take your mind off the upcoming tests. I'll be praying for you.
Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
It's now a day later and the tests are behind you. I hope those migraines are easing too and you ended up having a nice time with your friends. It sounds like you need a break from the intensity of all this work. (((hugs)))
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
writejessss replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
The tests were several hours back. They were a little rough. I was more exposed this time than I have been with similar exams in the past, but thankfully both the dr and tech doing the exams were female. It took about an hour. I ended up just zoning out as much as I could until it was over and have kept pretty busy since then- shopping, dinner with friends and whatever else I could think of to keep my mind occupied.

But now as I sit at the airport waiting for my friends flight to arrive, I'm crashing. I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep. Instead I'm going to keep myself busy here for a while. Feel free to read or to read.

The friends I met up with for dinner- we worked at a girls camp together a long time ago. They are a lot of fun. They live within 20 minutes of each other so they see one another fairly frequently. I typically only make it down 1-3 times a year.

I wish I could talk with them about what is going on with me. Way back when I could have.

To be continued. My friend just arrived.
Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to writejessss's response:
Distraction - especially with good friends - can be a great way to get you from this point to the next where you'll be more able to breathe and take care of yourself through the emotional fallout.

Hang in there, Jess.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
lovely_lemon_tree replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Two words, Jess: gummy worms.

.... you do what you have to do. I hope your visit with your friend is great!

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