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TRIGGER recording the past
  • ************ ******************** ******************************* **** ************************** *********************** ***************** ****

    Sunday I went looking for a drawing in my boxes and found a therapy journal and stupidly read some of it.

    One piece in particular set me off. It was from the time my T was having me document any / all memories I had/was having surfacing.

    They were VERY painful to write out and see in black and white. I shared only a small handful with my T, most were to just purge it from my mind.
    I mentioned to my husband I needed to do something with my journals."Like what?" he asked.
    "I don't know, throw them out?, collect them all in one box and seal them up so I don't stumble into them without being ready to see them? something...I don't really want our kids to read them by accident"

    After calming down I realized I can't throw them away. They are a part of my medical record. And as such I need to retain them.

    I need to find them all and seal them in a labeled box so getting into them is a fully conscious decision.

    the one that set me off though, I need to go have another look at. As I read it the CoS shifted restlessly within and when I competed it Ste commented. "that is not what happened, your dialogue is backwards."

    This episode I had put from my mind so re-reading it was very ambushing.

    When all the stirred up stuff calmed down and I thought about it. I think Ste is right. It does sound like I assigned my words to my brother.

    Why would I do that? why would I lie to myself? my T never saw this paper.

    There was a line in my teen years when the incest changed from inappropriate sexual contact to abuse. We never really dug too deep into that in therapy. I think this memory is the dawning of that change. I am concealing the truth, I attempted to alter the facts.
    It was a part of the gradual realization that what was going on was wrong. That I knew it was wrong.
    sad sigh.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
  • Reply
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:

    I hope the time at the coast helps to soothe this latest pain. I know how this can be.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I'm sorry to hear that Paja.

    I also have my journals... but I think I do need to put them into a sealed, labeled box for the same reason. Going back through them was massively triggering -- I was fishing through them, looking for things to tell my therapist. She. of course, said that journals from years ago are a therapist's dream, but of course we both know that I should just put them away for good.

    I have many volumes, but people keep giving me extra volumes. I think I will clean them out and then give them out at my NAMI group to anyone who wants one.

    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%

    I am sorry I spoke out of place. By putting those disgusting words in your mouth I could no longer hear him saying them too us. Your voice I can tune out, his I cannot. That time that place was very very aweful. If you choose to read that again, please have onsite support for me, I can't deal with what is there lurking under the surface.
    I am standing too close to you, I have never experienced the memories like this before, I am very very triggered and scared.

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    We're here for you too, Ste. It's now many hours later and I hope you're okay.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I am okay Miss Caprice.

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.

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