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i feel like such a failure
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melisfit posted:
Our vacation is only 2 weeks away and Nathan's so excited. I promised him that I'd keep my promise that we would finally make love on vacation. I'm still really struggling with our "home work" assignments and increased the number of days a week I go to see the doctor by myself. But I still feel terrified. I hear my brother in law teasing Nathan about his status as married virgin a lot more often now. I've really failed him. All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and mother. Now I can't be a mother and I've failed to be a real wife. My doctor wants me to start taking medication for anxiety, that maybe it will help with the panic attacks when we're trying to consummate our marriage. I really hope so. I want to be able to fulfill his needs and be a real wife to him. I wish I wasn't so scared.
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An_242848 responded:
why torture yourself with stress for 2 weeks, why not do it now, at home where 1. you are familiar with the surroundings, 2. your close to your doctor for support. the whole point of a vacation is to relax and get away.
 
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melisfit replied to An_242848's response:
Nathan says the same thing too. That even though we set vacation as our goal we don't need to wait until then and that I'm just making myself more scared. You're both right, it makes sense to get it over with, but I'm just so afraid.
 
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marysings replied to melisfit's response:
"it makes sense to get it over with" ... tsk, tsk.

If you think of intercourse with your husband and can only come up with those words, you need to rethink the whole thing.

Sex is beautiful. You each offer yourself to the other, in anticipation of becoming closer. It's not a chore to get over with, it's two people coming together to celebrate their marriage, their life-long commitment, their love.

I agree that waiting until your vacation is not a good idea. Have intercourse at home AND while you are on vacation.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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melisfit replied to marysings's response:
Thank you Mary. I really didn't mean to make it sound like making love with Nathan would be a chore. More like just facing my fear. He is so sweet and loving and handsome and I want to be able to do everything a wife should do, but my fear keeps stopping me. I need to find a way to be brave and overcome this.
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to melisfit's response:
I've been thinking, Mellie. (I know -- uh-oh.)

Why don't you just be comfortable with the things you are doing? As you become more comfortable with him, and he with you, consummation will come naturally. If you're not comfortable with what you've been doing so far, I would be willing to say that the actual Act itself would probably do far more harm than good.

Re: the teasing -- how does Nathan react to it? Does he just brush it off? Does he get angry? Bluntly, it's no one's business but your own what you do or don't do in your sex life. Period. Can you talk to Nathan and tell him how you feel when you overhear the teasing? From what I know of you, I really can't see you confronting Nathan's brothers about it but it's not something you have to lay down and endure. Maybe if you told Nathan that it makes you upset and uncomfortable he can draw some boundaries. I realize he's close to them, but there are certain things that are between husband and wife -- this being one of them.

I feel badly about how emphatic I've been with you in your last few posts. I don't mean to upset you... it just seems like you need someone to stand up for you -- the you that can't seem to speak what she's writing. I'm concerned, but if I've gone about expressing that concern in an inappropriate manner, I apologize.
 
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melisfit replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Thank you LLT. I don't think that anything you've said to me has been inappropriate. I appreciate your concern and your advice. We leave for vacation in just under a week. After the kind and thoughtful advice I got from both Mary and Anon 242848, I tried really hard to muster up some courage. I met him for dinner after work and told him over dinner that I wanted to go all the way when we got home. I don't know if it was something I ate or my nerves, but I threw up on him. Not exactly romantic. Obviously "it" didn't happen and I haven't gotten up the nerve to bring it up again and Nathan hasn't pushed it. We've just been doing our "homework" assignments and he's been really good about stopping as soon as he notices me getting scared instead of trying to push me to go a little further. I'm just mad at myself. I want to be his wife, not like a girlfriend. But when we get close I just keep seeing my dad hurting me, or my mom doing what she did or Pastor Tim... I was scared before all that stuff happened, now I'm petrified.
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to melisfit's response:
Then it's time to slow down. I know you feel an obligation... and that you feel badly you haven't gone all the way with him.

But it's not your fault that you're scared.

Have you thought about going to your own therapist? To help work on the abuse from a PTSD standpoint, rather than or even in addition to your sex therapist? I just don't think it's being treated the right way. Or maybe the sex therapist is operating without all the pieces. Have you told the sex therapist that you have this abuse background?

(((Cyber-no-touch hugs)))


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