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    man broke into my house Trigger
    dustnbones99 posted:
    [TRIGGER] I really have no right coming here for help. I lurk here nearly every day but i rarely post anything and never feel like i am able to help other members. I apologize but i'm desperate now and believe that this is the only place where i can be understood.

    Last thursday night i fell asleep while reading and was startled awake by a man pounding on my window and screaming that he wanted his wife. I called out to him that he had the wrong house but he moved over to my door and continued to pound and yell. i called 911 in a panic and told the dispatcher that someone was trying to break into my house. The call dropped and i had to call 911 back. The man actually did break down my door and enter my house before the police came. i struggled with him and was able to push him back out the door and then use my weight to try to keep him out. The police finally came and took him away but not before they scolded me for having a flimsy door and letting drug addicts live in my house. There is a vacant crack house right next to mine and there seems to be some confusion about where the drug addicts hang out. Actually the guy who broke in probably meant to go to the crack house.

    I've been in bad shape ever since. I have huge problems with anxiety on a good day and now things are unbearable. i have a broken door which is only being held shut with a board and i can't sleep or eat without throwing up. I can barely function since i'm shaking so badly.
    My sister tried to help by hiring a carpenter to fix the door. He called today and asked if he could come over to my job to get the keys in order to fix the door. When i heard he needed to work from the inside of the house i panicked and refused to let him work. I know the door needs to be fixed, and i'm being stupid, but i can't let anyone in the house.

    I can't think of any way to calm myself. Things have been so bad for years and i live in constant fear. I really just want to die and be done with this fear and pain. I have the dog to consider though. He was useless in this crisis, ran away and hid while i fought with the man, but i still love him and don't want to leave him. He's actually usually a mean dog and no one would adopt him. If i die he'll be put down.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Dear Dusty,

    Please keep talking here and/or on our Anxiety & Panic Community . It sounds like you could use all the support you can get.

    I am so sorry this happened. What kind of support do you have around you? Not just through this immediate crisis but in general?

    Try looking for victim services in your community. Sometimes this can be found via the police, sometimes through a local community center. You need and deserve real support.

    Regarding the door, is there any way your sister or someone else could be there with you (or without you if he can only come when you're at work) when he comes in to fix it? You have the right to feel safe in your own home.

    Is there any way you could move to a better location, one that is in a safer neighborhood?

    Do you have a therapist or doctor you can reach out to as well?
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    dustnbones99 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    My sister and her husband will be flying here to help me later in the week. I thought the carpenter knew this and would not ask to fix the door until then.

    My sister has been a great help to me since my mom died but she lives far away so it's tough for her to get to me. I haven't really looked into victim services. Since the intruder was really just a confused druggie and didn't have a weapon the police didn't really think it was a big deal. It's just that my own anxiety issues have made it seem huge to me.

    I don't have a therapist although my sister has been trying to get me to see one. Everything just seems so hard. I guess that's what happens with depression. Everything just seems like too much of an effort, even seeking help. I do have dr but he tries to deal with my many medical problems, chf, diabetes, morbid obesity ect. He knows i have mental problems but says that any drugs he could offer would raise my blood sugar which is already out of control.

    My sister really wants me to move to her town. I really don't want to because it would mean giving up my job and being dependent on her . My house is a falling down hovel but it is mine, and full of my stuff, and i love it. I love my job too even though it doesn't pay much. One good thing about living in the city is that i can get around by myself on public transportation. I don't drive (legally blind) and living in her town would mean having to depend of others for everything.
    tnmist replied to dustnbones99's response:
    I am very sorry to hear of your ordeal. I hope you find a solution that will keep you safe and still give you independence. It can be scary to make changes, but you need to be safe, too. If you stay with your sister, it could be temporary, perhaps, or perhaps there is a larger town not as far away from her as the one you are in now. I hope you find the solutions you need to stay independent but safe, too, and I also recommend the support of a good therapist.

    When I first started in therapy, I left several therapists for various reasons, but when I connected with the one I'm with now I truly believe he was a God-send. It takes courage to reach out for help from family, the community, a therapist, whatever, but it already sounds like you have more courage than you think you do.

    Health and peace to you,
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to dustnbones99's response:
    Hi DustnBones,

    It's not just your anxiety that made this an ordeal for you.... anyone would be frightened by this! You didn't know he didn't have a weapon when he was breaking in and, weapon or not, he's still a violent man breaking in. While the police may dismiss this in terms of the kind of crime it is, that doesn't change that this was traumatic for you.

    I said this elsewhere too but will say it again here...

    With your sister coming to town next week, lean on her and let her start getting appointments set up for you to pursue therapy. I know that when you're down in the depths and have so many health issues besides, the energy it takes just to wrap your mind around seeking help all seems too much. So let her help.

    Give yourself a chance to get better in all ways. (You may find that as you heal even a little bit re your abuse and anxiety, etc., some of your physical ailments may improve as well.)
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    marysings responded:
    I spend a lot of time at home alone. I keep all the doors closed and locked.

    If my sister loved me enough to suggest that I move closer to her, I would accept that invitation. Your sister probably feels helpless right now and one sister to another, helping you get comfortable in her town seems the way to go.

    Let her help you. She loves you and she cares about you.
    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
    tnmist replied to marysings's response:
    I agree with Mary. Supportive family is a huge blessing, and she probably does feel helpless with you so far away. Having family around you that want to share your burdens is such a gift. I hope you will let her help even if it means moving to where she lives, if that is the best solution.
    friedeggs replied to tnmist's response:
    listen to everyone is saying. family suport is a big help. caprice is right you should contact victim services. there are people here that can help you move past this.imam so sorry this happened. i felt scared just reading this.i know how it felt for you. imwish you all the best. take it one day at time
    dustnbones99 replied to friedeggs's response:
    I'm very grateful for my family's support but i don't want to move. Today the contractor is working on my doors. I'm glad he is finally doing something but i'm very anxious about leaving him alone, with my keys, at the house. I could not take off from work today. i did try to secure the inner door and the dog is right behind it growling and barking. He asked to come into the house to see other areas that need work but i refused to let him.

    Over the weekend i had xrays done. It was very hard for me because i don't like being touched by others. The tech said that i had to speak to my dr. but she did hint that my arm was injured. I'm sure it is because it's very painful to move it. I also tried to get an consult with a dr. who could treat my anxiety. I'm still working on this. The only one i could find who takes my insurance is too far away since i can't drive and have trouble with public transportation.
    melisfit replied to dustnbones99's response:
    How are doing alone in the house? Have you been able to get any rest at all? I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.
    dustnbones99 replied to melisfit's response:
    Thank you Mel. I eventually fall asleep with the help of a lot of Nyquil but every noise or weird smell wakes me up. Last night i woke up several times because i thought i heard someone pushing on the door or i smelled cigar smoke. This morning i realized that the dog's senses are much better and he slept through the night. I've taken to carrying my mom's rosary beads around. I'm not really religious but for some reason i find having them makes me feel safer. My mom died in 2009 and although i miss her so much i'm grateful that she never experienced anything like this in the house.
    tnmist replied to dustnbones99's response:
    Writing to ask how are you doing? How is your arm? Hope you are getting some sleep. Thinking of you.

    dustnbones99 replied to tnmist's response:
    Thank you for asking. The contractor is working on my house but it is taking him forever to close up that unsecured part.Right now the door is nailed shut . I'm still having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. I've been trying to find a dr. close by to see me but haven't had much luck. I did have xrays on my arm which showed some trauma and bone spurs. I was given pain killers but they really don't help. I'm getting a bit desperate. I haven't had more then 2 or 3 hours of sleep in weeks. I actually fell asleep at my desk in work yesterday.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to dustnbones99's response:
    I'm sorry to hear that your home still isn't secure and hope that finishes soon. I also hope you find ways to feel safe and you find a therapist within close proximity. Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. I've been thinking a lot about you too. (((safehugs)))
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    tnmist replied to dustnbones99's response:
    I'm so sorry, too, Dustnbones. I hope you keep trying to find what you need to feel secure and help heal. And a lack of sleep makes everything so much worse. I hope you get some good sleep soon.

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