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struggling ****trigger****
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marysings posted:
[TRIGGER] trigger
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I am very suicidal and I don't understand why. I have so many positives - a loving husband - sons and DILs who love me - and those four wonderful grandchildren.

I have an awesome therapist and other doctors who care for me. I have friends who care for me.

I just don't understand all of this. I don't understand how I can feel so very suicidal when I have so much to live for.

I had to sign a safety contract with Dr.B on Friday. Already I am torn because I have been abusing another drug. I had a lot of pain meds left from my surgery and I use them pretty frequently to get sleepy. I told this to Dr.B and he said I should call Dr.M about that. I don't know Dr.M well enough to know how he will react. And I can make all the promises in the world that I will stop taking them but I know I will break the promises.

I am a mess. On Oct 21 we will be driving to Virginia Beach for my son's wedding. I know I will be safe then. It's the time when we come back that will be tough.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
Reply
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
It sounds like you're being honest with yourself and now it's time to be honest with Dr. M as Dr. B advises. They can't help you as much if they don't know what all is going on.

Does your husband know how bad it is for you right now?

Also, you're on a new med for your weight and you should discuss how you're feeling with that prescribing doctor. It's possible that's part of the issue now.

Finally, you're getting stronger all the time, Mary. It can also be very disorienting when we start getting better. We don't always know how to handle it because it's so far out of our comfort zone.

Keep working with Dr. B and don't be afraid to call a crisis line if you need it to help keep yourself safe.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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marysings replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Had the wrong dates. We leave home Sept 22, the wedding is Sept 29.

I am under a lot of stress.

I also have an emergency call into Dr.M to ask permission to cease taking the Prazosin. The side effects are horrible.

But of course, I left the message for Dr.M at 5:30pm and it is now 7:45. I wonder if he will call this evening.

I'm feeling pretty much miserable and I didn't get much done in the house today. sigh
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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healingmychild responded:
Mary its important that you keep communicating with the DR because it might be some meds that are getting you like this. If this feelings are very strong talk to someone you feel safe. There is help with the crise line. You are not alone. Try to take everything one step at a time. It can get overwhelming with all kind of feelings but hang in there. Be safe

Healing
~I am entitled to my own truth.~
There's more than anger,more than sadness,more than terror.There's Hope ~Edith Horning
 
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melisfit replied to healingmychild's response:
Oh Mary, I am so sorry to hear you feeling this way. I also agree with Healing and Caprice. Let the Drs know how you're feeling. Keep focusing on all the good things..Albert, your sons, and beautiful grandchildren. You have so much to live for and so many people who love you. You're in my prayers. mellie
 
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marysings responded:
[TRIGGER] another trigger
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.TRIGGER

Dr.B told me early this year that he felt I had more memorie(s).

It came back today.
My father burned me with cigarettes.
I have scars on my left shoulder and both arms.
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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tnmist replied to marysings's response:
Dear Mary, I'm so sorry to hear the latest. I know we don't know each other very well at all, but my heart goes out to you. I just want you to know I am thinking of you. Prayers are with you. May you find peace as you continue to recover.
 
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marysings replied to marysings's response:
I need to explain about Dr.M/return phone calls.

Our phone was crazy on Monday and would not ring. Dr.M said I didn't leave my name (not advised) so he could not get a cell phone number. He tried to call me twice that evening.

So I was okay when his office lady gave him the message verbally on Tuesday morning and he called me back rather quickly.

Oh - I did tell him that I was not quite ready to go inpatient since we are leaving for the wedding next Tuesday.

Thank you all for lifting my spirits and giving me hope.

I can hardly wait for this memory to be processed in therapy. It just hurts me so much. That's when I am grateful for my family support and my SA Community support.

Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.


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