I fight the thoughts of suicide daily. Those thoughts are at the forefront of my brain all the time.
I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want to hurt my sons and DILs. I don't want to hurt my grandchildren. I don't want to hurt my sister and brother.
So why won't the thoughts go away?
I'm angry more than ever at my parents - two lousy child abusers. They never hurt my siblings, only me. They were cruel, mean, and full of hate for a little girl who never deserved it.
I'm tired of this nightmare!
I'm tired of everything. My fibro pain is nonstop. My new knee still hurts all the time and still is holding fluid. My physical issues are as much trouble to me as the mental ones.
I see Dr.B on Wednesday. Albert is going with me and I will have a bag packed for the psych hospital. He is in favor of helping me go inpatient to get the suicide thoughts and plans taken care of. He is afraid of what I might do if I get despirate enough.
This hurts. I cry often. I'm in awe that what happened 50 years ago can hurt this much.
I am miserable. Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
Dear Mary, I'm so sorry. I can hear your pain in your words. I'm glad you have the support of your husband and doctor. If inpatient is what is called for, I hope it helps. I know that is hard to do. (Been there, done that more than once.)
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