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    trigger trigger feeling for nearly a month won't go away
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    marysings posted:
    [TRIGGER] Trigger
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    TRIGGER

    I fight the thoughts of suicide daily. Those thoughts are at the forefront of my brain all the time.

    I don't want to die.
    I don't want to hurt my husband.
    I don't want to hurt my sons and DILs.
    I don't want to hurt my grandchildren.
    I don't want to hurt my sister and brother.

    So why won't the thoughts go away?

    I'm angry more than ever at my parents - two lousy child abusers. They never hurt my siblings, only me. They were cruel, mean, and full of hate for a little girl who never deserved it.

    I'm tired of this nightmare!

    I'm tired of everything. My fibro pain is nonstop. My new knee still hurts all the time and still is holding fluid. My physical issues are as much trouble to me as the mental ones.

    I see Dr.B on Wednesday. Albert is going with me and I will have a bag packed for the psych hospital. He is in favor of helping me go inpatient to get the suicide thoughts and plans taken care of. He is afraid of what I might do if I get despirate enough.

    This hurts. I cry often. I'm in awe that what happened 50 years ago can hurt this much.

    I am miserable.
    Mary
    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
    Reply
     
    avatar
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Dear Mary,

    I've been wondering how you were doing. Have you looked at changes in your life a month or so ago to see what might be contributing to all of this now?

    But, aside from that, I'm glad you'll be talking to Dr. B and you'll have your bags packed. And very glad that Albert's with you in all this.

    One moment at a time, dear one. Deep, cleansing breaths. Keep reaching out, keep getting all that support you need and deserve. (((((hugs))))
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
     
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    tnmist responded:
    Dear Mary, I'm so sorry. I can hear your pain in your words. I'm glad you have the support of your husband and doctor. If inpatient is what is called for, I hope it helps. I know that is hard to do. (Been there, done that more than once.)

    (I can relate to this.) Take care of yourself.
     
    avatar
    healingmychild responded:
    Mary I'm so sorry and I hope you can find some kind of relief with this feelings. Take care and take one day at a time and focus in your healing.
    ~Healing
    ~I am entitled to my own truth.~
    There's more than anger,more than sadness,more than terror.There's Hope ~Edith Horning
     
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    melisfit replied to healingmychild's response:
    Mary I am so sorry.
     
    avatar
    friedeggs replied to melisfit's response:
    I AM so sorry for the pain you are going through. you know like i always so much much support there is for you because you are loved.


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