I've been out sick from work the last 2 days because of nausea from more memories surfacing. Hadn't hit me that way before, but these were, well, even worse. I'm calmer today at least. It took a therapy session, then sitting in the living room with a friend for a few hours, a good cry, a long nap yesterday and finally doing better today. At least I think I will be able to keep everything at bay in order to work 2nd shift today.
I don't like losing work over this stuff, but sometimes I just have to stop and grieve and nothing else will help. I still feel crazy most of the time, and this latest stuff is so very hard to accept as reality, especially when all I get are bits and pieces like puzzle pieces, only I'm not sure if I'm working on one puzzle or several. I have such a hard time accepting the idea that this did happen to me, that my mind kept it a secret from me all these years. Oh, there has been the life-long depression and some odd triggers or things that never made sense before, but I mean the memories themselves. I just feel like I must be crazy.
I'm so glad you took those couple of days to take care of yourself. You gotta do what you gotta do.
Beyond that, I think many of us (including me) have thought as you do now... that these new memories can't be true, they're too awful, I must be crazy, etc. (((hugs))) It does ease and it does get easier as you process them and heal. And healing IS possible.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
This has been such a rough week all around. I was in too much turmoil again on Thursday to allow myself to enjoy the half a day off scheduled and just have a quiet day at home. Oh, it was quiet, but I was not in a good place at all and just not functioning. I'm not sure if was just something I needed - just not coping by trying to sleep away the day - or if I was wallowing a bit.
When I was growing up, I remember fun holidays when our family would get together with friends and it just seemed so festive. Now, because of realizing my childhood was oh-so-much darker than I knew, it just all seems fake or something. But maybe those holidays when mom was off from work and people were around WERE safer days afterall because the perpetrator I'm aware of was opportunistic and there would be less opportunity when others were around. I just don't know.
Because of these memories coming back I question the memories I already had about my childhood. I do remember hating that mom had to go back to work the Friday after Thanksgiving. I was home from school, so why couldn't she have that day off, too? Now I wonder was it because I was fearful of more trauma or what. Who knows.
I've never really liked this time of year or the holidays. As an adult, I just figured it was because everything was too commercialized and just too much pressure to spend, spend, spend when I really don't have the budget. I just figured it was because of financial reasons my depression always deepens this time of year. Perhaps not.
Whatever the reason, I'm just not going to really fight it. I think I'm going to allow myself to have whatever feelings I have over this next month and ditch the guilt. Guess you could call it my gift to me. I'm just trying to understand this mess in my head!!
Am I the only one just "hanging on for the ride" this season?
(Having a $300-plus plumbing bill yesterday didn't exactly put me in a good mood either. Sigh.)
I'm just not sure HOW to handle this whole season. I'm so confused these days.
You are not alone. I feel just like you. This is not a good time for me and I have been struggling alot lately. Having major health issues right now doesn't help. The medicine makes me sick and weak. I am losing all of my hair and hate to look at myself in the mirror. I just want you to know you are not alone.
Aww, AZ, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time, but I'm glad you are being proactive about treating the cancer. Physical problems make coping so much harder when it's piled on top of emotional/psych issues, too.
I'm just trying to take it one day (sometimes 1 hour) at a time. Guess that's all any of us can do.
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