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    Memory Null & Void?
    TomHall55 posted:
    Hoping for some words of wisdom as doubtful I am the only one who has faced my situation. Growing up moved many times so no long term hometown friends. I was quite rebellious with father often gone and verbally abusive when there, over-caring mother, and used recreational drugs as an escape. Had bouts with anxiety and depression late teens through late 30's when kids, family, work and relationship stress I got deep in depression.

    During therapy I recalled having recurring dreams of being abused and one day confronted my mother who reluctantly confirmed when I was very young I was sexually abused by someone outside the family. What I lived through over and over with the same dream was exactly what had happened. Came face to face with that, and happily depression and anxiety seemed to leave the scene with that acceptance.

    Now in my late 50's while housecleaning I ran across a load of old letters from friends and girlfriends from my late teens and early 20's. Thinking it would be amusing I read many but was pretty shocked to realize I didn't remember these people with only a few exceptions. Didn't recall the events they had written about and rarely could even place where I knew them from, even though some of the letters I could tell were from people quite close to me. This started a bit of soul searching and sitting back and contemplating I realized the vast majority of my memories from before my abuse realization were either totally missing or foggy at best. Even memories of when my kids were young were hazy.

    Not sure if there is any specifics of the eraser that ran through my head other then the perfect storm of abuse, anger, depression emptying the file cabinet drawers. But my question now is other then deep expensive therapy is there any techniques, exercises, or methods to trying to rebuild some of these memories or are they lost to time? And after what I have been through, just the thought of more therapy stresses me out.

    So I searched out and this site seemed like a good spot to reach out for help from a community that understands and cares. All advice, hints, or tips gladly welcomed. Thanks in advance.
    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
    Welcome to the board, glad you found us. Though sorry you have need to be here.

    Memories are funny things. They tend to naturally decay as one ages, slowly becoming less crisp, delegated to not being relevant any longer to your current life so they are shuffled off to less used portions of ones brain. That time can be refreshed with looking at pictures, reading written accounts of the events....IF they truly were worth remembering in the first place.

    Abuse memories are a different story, Because your mind purposely tags them for deletion / concealment.

    You are doing the same thing any therapist would tell you. Re-reading letters to jog your memory. I would also add looking at photos.

    It is bothersome to not have access to ones own memories/past.

    Living with the anaconda of depression curled up in your brain squeezing you is also unpleasant.

    I would suggest before you go further on your memory expedition you take the time to give your brain a must needed day off/relaxation vacation. Spend a few days just living in the present doing brain stuff that you enjoy/like. Drink lots of water to make sure you are adequately hydrated. You will find a rested/hydrated/peaceful mind more cooperative.

    If you have not had a physical recently I would also suggest that to rule out any age related concerns and or physical issues as well.

    Peace be the journey

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    TomHall55 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Thanks for the wise words and taking time to relax is one thing I have always had a hard time doing and I think I inherited that from my parents. Always seem to be busy and I do recall that when I did relax and do nothing is when my mind would wander and depression and anxiety would see that as an opportunity to pop up. Guess a good first step would be teaching myself how to enjoy relaxing. I understand the age process decaying memories but when they are faint to start with time can more easily blow them completely away.

    Is there any minerals, vitimins or herbs that can help stimulate the brain recall functions so you can feed the mind as well as the body?

    Off to dig through old pictures and letter some more. Unfortunately I have also found some of those memories were's fun to remember but better to learn from the facts of a painful past then live in a fog bank of uncertainty.


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