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    The spectrum (May be trigger)
    tnmist posted:
    I know there is a whole spectrum of dissociation, and on that scale I think I'm on the lower end. Obviously I was able to dissociate when a child because I now am recovering these memories that I never even knew I had. And I consciously work/speak with my inner child, but that's all that I know of.

    I did have one weird thing happen when working with her one time recently. I was asking her about a particular memory because I had the picture of some parts of it, but I was not recalling any pain associated with it, and I have had some terrible body memories, so I asked her, "where is the pain with this?" And I heard plain as day in my mind, "I don't have it."

    I got a little spooked by that, but I think the body/pain memory is just buried deeper than where I can reach right now. Still, I often wonder about my own sanity. It's all too crazy. How is it that I would not have a problem believing someone else's life experiences like this but I can't believe myself? That I wouldn't even consider labeling someone else "crazy" but that's the first label I give myself?

    My head hurts from all this. My stomach is in knots. Is there any part of me that wasn't used by this monster from my childhood? He was very thorough. And I'm a complete mess.

    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
    Just bumped up a post for you that contains a "bedtime" story that you might find helpful.

    (Paja and any others) is the title.

    Keep in mind that inside of you is a normal human sized anger. But it has been under lock and key, increasing the pressure to beyond max limits, so it feels like if you were to open the door it would be like unleashing a hurricane of destruction.

    My T's used to tell me all the time..."do not try to find the bottom of the anger well by yourself"

    Having them help me open the door and learn proper anger management skills, plus proper ways to express it, was very helpful.

    You: so I asked her, "where is the pain with this?" And I heard plain as day in my mind, "I don't have it."

    that made me think of my Two hypnotherapist endlessly chasing something though my system, till in frustration one of them asked point blank, "where is the ______"

    my inner kids replied, "in our shadow"

    When working with your inner kid, remember she is a kid. Kids don't think like grownups.

    Pain and strong emotions are kept separate to preserve the sanity of young minds.

    I never found a single part of me who held the emotions I was looking for.

    I ended up doing a exercise where I took all me the a mental field where on the fence line were a bunch of sealed bottles each containing a different emotion. I imagined myself shooting each bottle freeing my emotions.

    "Crazy"....hmmm, I was crazy for years. It was the only way to be at that time in my life. To feel the way I did and not be "crazy" would be nuts. The wanting to label yourself crazy is a way of making sense of the chaos your going through, which really shows just how not crazy you are.

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    tnmist replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Thank you very much. That was a cool story!

    I have allowed myself to think separately when it comes to my inner child, even more so nowadays, but I also recognize I do not have any separate, full-blown personalities/dissociative disorder. My T and I both understand it is just me; however, I do find it easier to process/discuss the memories in her voice, so to speak. I really don't know how else to explain it. I have a close friend who has now integrated her personalities, and I have never experienced any sort of dissociation like she has had on that end of the spectrum.

    In fact, my inner child had some things to say many years before any memories of abuse surfaced, and now some things make more sense. I even have a page of "art" from a long time ago using only red and black that I very clearly recognize for what it is now. I always thought it was a bit abstract, but, well, not so much!

    I named my inner child a long time ago, too, and have wanted to change my name legally for many years, and I finally did that this year. So, I am known now by my inner child's name, although most people don't know that. I have added "-girl" to the end of the name when referring to my inner child in therapy now.

    I will keep your advice in mind, though, regarding my conversations with my little one. Sometimes I think she is wiser than the adult part of me, and she especially enjoyed your story.


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