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Random Thought *****Possible Trigger????******
bluerose90 posted:
Okay, so I had kind of a bad day and I sat down this evening and wrote this. It's kind of random and a rough around the edges so forgive me. I just thought I'd share. I finally told one of my best friends about 6 months ago what had happened to me... well, she had known about what was done to me as a child, in very general terms anyway, (like a lot of us here I have a long and kind of complicated story and very few know it) but it was the first time I told anyone about what happened when I was 20.


Everyone wears masks. They hide their emotions, their pain, and their true feelings from prying eyes. Taking a walk down a busy street and looking at the people there, I realized that I've worn a mask every day for as long as I can remember. To hide the pain I feel inside; to hide all of the hurt. I've spent most of my life hiding behind my mask. Trying to protect myself from being hurt again. Never letting anyone close. I had been hurt to many times by the people I let in, the people I trusted.

They say that practice makes perfect. Well, at least it this case I know it to be true. Over time, I got really good at wearing the mask. So good that I was able to fool everyone into thinking everything was fine, sometimes I even fooled myself. I put on a smile and buried everything deep inside, but the secrets began to eat away at me.

It became harder and harder to hide the pain and the hurt. Fear kept me from telling anyone. To this day I am haunted by guilt and shame for what happened. How could I explain something that even I didn't understand? How could I describe something so terrible? How could I answer the questions that I knew would come? Question's that I've been asking myself everyday for so long, with no answer. The thought of telling my friends and family, the thought of facing those that had hurt meâ?¦ made me want to run and hide.

Then one day, I didn't have the strength to put on the mask. I went to a friend and as soon as she saw me she knew something was very wrong. Sitting on her couch, I couldn't meet her gaze, as I searched for a way to tell her the secret I had kept hidden for so long. She sat with me and waited patiently as I fought to find a way to say it. Then, before I even realized what was going on, the words and emotion that I had been holding back for so long came pouring out of me. Even as I felt a huge weight lifted off my heart I feared what she was going to say. What she was going to think of me. Burying my face in my hands I wept silently, my eyes shut tight, fearing what was to come. After a moment, I felt her arms wrap around me as she hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay.

I still wear the maskâ?¦ but now I know that I have people I can lean on during the bad days, and I hope that maybe somedayâ?¦ I won't have to wear this mask anymore and I can just be... me.


(Just realized how long this thing is... LOL Sorry!!)

marysings responded:
BlueRose, welcome and thank you for sharing with us. I expect that nearly all of us in this community felt the same way when they shared their story. I'm not saying that what you wrote is the complete accounting of your life. That's not true and as the time passes in therapy, there will be more memories surface. When it all gets overwhelming, you can come here and we'll hold your hand and help you get through it.

Get enough sleep, eat balanced meals, and stay moderately active. That alone will help you as you wade through your life's journey.

All the best to you,
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
bluerose90 replied to marysings's response:
Thanks Mary. I've always enjoyed your comments. It's been a really long time since I've written anything on here, or read anything for that matter. Almost two years actually... Hmm...

I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm sure you know that it can be hard to do sometimes. Make sure you take care of yourself too Mary. ((hugs)) if okay


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