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(re-post) Birth families - Trigger
Thought this might be helpful to some of us so reposting it.
Adding a trigger label because the strong emotions the subject can pull up.

Childhood sexual abuse has a funny way of assigning equal blame to everyone involved, not just the perpetrator...but to those who did not rescue or protect as well.

And that is a subject worth peeking into.

This post was from several years ago, its not directly pointed at anyone here currently. I am not editting out the parts that were for another member. You never know what your soul needs to hear.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
  • ****************** Paper dolls *******************************
    *************** trigger *********** trigger *********************

    Just gunna toss some thoughts at you.

    "Anger turned inwards is an unconquerable foe" - Master Splinter TNMT

    I was were you are once along time ago. So blinded by the hate and rage that it literally ate at me 24/7.

    Mama was very aloof and if I tried to kiss her goodnight she would icly turn her cheek towards me, it was as if me touching her was painful.

    night after night after night....finally stopped trying when I was four.

    Longed for nothing more then her hug and arms to hold me as the world fell apart around me, just instinctively knew mama's were support to love and hold there children.

    I can vividly recall just a few years ago (I'm 43 now) being at her house and my younger sister came over and she was feeling ill. My mama went over and sat next to her and slipped an arm, around her and kissed her forehead.

    Here I was a grown woman and it knocked me like a 2 x 4 across my face. I left dissociated and in a rage. HOW DARE SHE OFFER COMPASSION AND COMFORT AND LOVE TO MY SISTER!! I was livid and consumed with jealousy that my sister had that type of relationship with her and she had chosen not to with me.

    I sat for hours in my truck bawling. That hurt and pain is something that even after therapy and my making a conscious decision to stop hating her, will be with me forever.

    I will always have that little part of me that wants, no, needs mama. A want that will never be fulfilled. An ache in my heart that cannot be soothed.

    I remember when I was very young watching my second grade teacher make a string of black construction paper dolls and hanging it from one end of the class room to the other. She was the first woman to be nice to me, to see me, to speak to my soul. I would have ran away and lived with her if I could. She asked us to write a story about the paper dolls.

    I still recall the pained look on her face when she read mine later.

    " Ther the girls wif no mamas they find each odder an hold on tite."

    I have much to share with you, funny you should come along at this time, I have been drafting a post in my head about mama's. Maybe something that I did to help me will be of use to you as well, or spark and idea for you to try.

    Why I asked if you were abused is because all I read in that post was other peoples stories. It was like, wait a minute...I can respond to Grandma, or your mom, but I didn't see you in the picture. One thing they tell kids at school to get the truth from them is "tell me what happened, but only use "I" "

    "what happened?"

    "Well Johnny punched me"

    "tell me what happened, but only use "I" "

    "well I was bugging Johnny and he punched me"

    We have a clear picture of your past and where you came from, now lets here about you now. Not rumors or suspicions or hunches..."tell me what happened, but only use "I" "

    Its like you are using the past as a shield to keep yourself hidden, like its a wall that is keeping you safe. Evidence as to why you cant change, like a valid reason to stay hidden and keep your self safe and not expose the hurting child who is in you.

    Its safe here to speak to us. We will offer compassion and love, a whap upside the head if you need one. Because some of us are

    " girls wif no mamas we find each odder an hold on tite."

    .*holding out my hand to you.*

    We don't have all the answers here on the board, but you are amoungst a bunch of fabulous souls who understand your pain.

    Peace be the journey
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    az330 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Your writing always speaks to my soul. I have often felt the jealousy and rage from not having that mother daughter relationship. I have often yearned for that hug. I have been struggling with these very thoughts this week. Someone I know has such a good relationship with her mother and it triggered something in me. I came home tears. I need to let go of that idea of having a mom. She hurt me more than my father but that little girl inside me need that motherly hug. Grieving the death of a relationship I will never have is hard. Its funny to me that I needed to hear this. its like you know what is going thru my head. Dont stop writing. Its soothing to me.

    tnmist replied to az330's response:
    I echo your thoughts, AZ. DD certainly has a gift, and I'm glad she shares with us because it helps. Demonstrative parents were not part of my package either. There wasn't outright abuse by my mother, but her total lack of emotional availability leaves its scars. I have often wondered what is buried so deeply in her past to have formed her this way. She is in her 80s now, and it is what it is. I will never know if she had any clue or idea about what the father was doing. He worked a steady job, rarely drank, and outwardly appeared the part of a family man, so I guess that's all that mattered.

    My inner child yearns for a mother's embrace sometimes. I have an older friend who would probably sit next to me and hold me if I asked her, but it seems a bit too staged to just ask. Maybe someday I will, when the timing is right. She has many scars from her childhood, too, and I know she would understand, and I also think she would be able to say no if she was not comfortable with that. So, perhaps when the timing is right I will find my voice and ask her for what I need.

    I know what if feels like to have jealousy creep up occasionally. For me, it's a particular friend who is a safe father to his children, and sometimes I find myself jealous of his children. They just don't know how blessed they truly are. It also helps me to keep my own past abuse in perspective because the truth is there are some good parents out there. Not everyone is a monster. And I don't have to be afraid of all men either. It is hard to get past those fears.


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