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Just a quick shout-out to AZ and Mary
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tnmist posted:
AZ, hope you are doing better today. You are in my thoughts.

Mary, you are in my thoughts too, especially because you have been very quiet lately.

-Misty
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az330 responded:
Misty- I'm here I have another round of chemo on monday. Just trying to get some things done before then. I just have no energy. I want to write more but I dont have the energy. I will try to write more later. Thank you for your thoughts and for caring.

AZ
 
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bluerose90 replied to az330's response:
Hey AZ, it's good to hear from you. I hope everything goes well for you on Monday. I'm sorry that you're feeling so tired and everything. Try to get as much rest as you can the next couple of days. ((Hugs)) We're thinking about you.

Rose
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
I echo Rose's thoughts. I hope it won't be too rough on you on Monday, and in the meantime get well rested and be good to yourself. Keep us posted.

-Misty
 
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marysings responded:
Misty, thank you for your kind post. I get from morning to night, and marvel that I still have energy to get up and go the next day. My emotions are a straight line ... not very happy and not very sad.

I have made monumental progress in therapy. We have worked through all the abuse. Dr.B says it's time to set some goals. I have written down some and have not even attempted to follow through. I just want to sleep for a week and hope I am rested when I wake up.

I check in here everyday and just don't have the energy to post. I'm sorry about it. Maybe I'll be more energetic in a week or two.

Hugs,
Mary
I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
 
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bluerose90 replied to marysings's response:
Hey Mary,

I've been wondering if you've been lurking around here. I'm glad to hear you've been doing so well in therapy. I hope that you can keep moving forward with your progress.

I know how hard it is when you feel like you have no energy. Please take good care of yourself and take the time you need. ((Hugs))

Rose
 
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tnmist replied to marysings's response:
Hi, Mary. So glad to hear from you. I understand no energy, truly, I do. I'm sorry the meds are a mixed blessing, but I'm glad you are doing well with the therapy end of things. Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. I hope you will have more energy soon. Take care of you. {{Mary}}

Misty
 
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az330 replied to tnmist's response:
I just have no energy. I still have alot to get done. Laundry, vaccuming, dishes....just housework....I am starting to feel overwhelmed. Not looking forward to tomorrow. Today I just feel abandoned. I cannot help this feeling....Trying to be good to myself but its so hard when you dont feel worthy. I dont know I guess I just needed to vent a little bit.

PS....I am glad to hear from Mary. I am proud of the progress you have made. Hang in there.

AZ
 
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bluerose90 replied to az330's response:
Hey AZ, I know how overwhelmed you must feel with all of this going on. You are worth it. You are worth being good to yourself and taking care of yourself. ((Hugs))

We haven't abandoned you. You aren't alone. I know there are things that you have to take care of around the house today but please try to take time to take care of yourself and rest. You need to keep up your strength physically and emotionally too. Try to give yourself a treat today. Anything that you really enjoy no matter how small. Some chocolate, a favorite movie, a book, anything that you can do that you enjoy.

I'm going to be checking in here a few times still today so if you want to vent some more you can have my ear. Take care of yourself.

Rose
 
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tnmist replied to az330's response:
I know what you mean about feeling unworthy, AZ. One of the phrases imbedded in my brain is "good for nothing." Years ago I was once at a halfway house, and an exercise out in the woods had me choosing a large branch to represent the load I felt I carried around emotionally and later whacking that thing into smithereens on a log while saying out loud, "I'm a worthwhile human being." Wow, did that feel good. I think I could stand to do that again!

The truth is, as Rose has said in a similar way, you ARE a worthwhile human being.

Do what you can and leave the rest, if you can. Housework never ends anyway. {{AZ}}

Misty
 
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az330 replied to tnmist's response:
Rose, Misty-

I cleaned the kitchen and did as much laundry at I could. Im done for the day....I physically cannot do it anymore. The weekends are the toughest for me. I feel so lonely. I think back to a year ago and know its my fault for pushing everyone away. Cutting off my family is one of the hardest things I have had to do but it was neccesary. It still hurts to know that I will never have that relationship that I yearn for from my mother. I have been having bad dreams and sleep has eluded me. I get so scared and the little girl inside me crys alot. I wish I could protect her. There are days that I live in flashbacks. I feel so confused.
I have a friend who invites me to church and I always tell her no. I am angry with god. I feel like he has abandoned me just like everyone else. I am so angry. Angry at everyone and everything. I hate to feel sorry for myself but today I do. I am in a why me mode. That makes me angry because we all are going thru things. I am no better than anyone else. I am not worthy. I cant change that right now.
I am not sure how much more I can take. My limits are pushed everyday....

Rose I will try to do something good for myself. I am not real good at that. I am not good at anything.
Feeling depressed and angry at myself for feeling that way.
 
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bluerose90 replied to az330's response:
Hey AZ,

I'm glad that you're taking a break now. I can only imagine all the things that must be going through your mind now. Dealing with all your flashbacks and then your illness on top of it.

Remember the pink fluffy blanket? *Wraps it around you and gives you a cup of hot cocoa.* I know it's hard right now but you aren't alone.

((Hugs))

Rose
 
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az330 replied to bluerose90's response:
I realized I hadn't eaten today. So I made myself some soup. Tonight I plan to meditate and clear my head before tomorrow. I hope I will be able to sleep or else I will be taking the trazedone I have.

Thank you for the pink blanket. Im trying to feel safe right now.

Do you have flashbacks? How do you deal with them. Sometimes its hard to ground myself.
 
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bluerose90 replied to az330's response:
I'm glad that you made yourself some soup. You have to keep you're strength up so you can take care of yourself.

I'm snuggling up with my blue one at them moment too.

I do have flashbacks sometimes. I haven't been able to really find anything that works every time I get one. Sometimes listening to music helps me, or making myself focus on a game or something like that. But sometimes when I get bad ones I get a piece of ice and squeeze it in my hand, stick my head in the freezer for a little bit (Yeah... I know that sounds weird), or even get into the shower with cold water to shock my body out of it. I have a hard time grounding myself as well.

Here is a link to some things that have helped me in the past with flashbacks. You might know of them already but I thought it might help you so I looked it up again. http://rainn.org/effects-of-sexual-assault/flashbacks

Take care and be gentle with yourself AZ.

Rose
 
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tnmist replied to az330's response:
You are in a whirlwind right now of pain, both physical and emotional. I'm so sorry you have this all at once. I'm proud of you for taking things one day at a time and hanging in there. {{gentle hugs if okay}}.

(Possible trigger here....)



I've been mad at God before. He can take it. I will tread lightly here, plus I can only speak from a Christian's point of view, and I will only say that there is both good and evil in the forms of God (good) and Satan (evil). Satan would love to have you believe you are unworthy of living and that everything is God's fault. I don't pretend to have all the answers, and, as you know by now I struggle with a lot of things, too. All I can tell you is that if I did not believe in God and continue a relationship with Him then I would have killed myself a long time ago and had the means to do it.

I'm proud of you for making soup today and getting some chores done. I really am. You are taking care of yourself, and I hope you will get some much needed rest and can face tomorrow. I, too, have to use some grounding techniques for flashbacks at times. I don't think mine are quite as rough as what you or Rose have endured, I'm guessing, because I can ground myself by reminding myself of what year this is, where I am, that I'm safe in my own home, and I make myself say what color the walls are, etc.

Peace to you, AZ.

Misty


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