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Bad day. Just venting
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bluerose90 posted:
It's just been a long day again today. Actually more like a series of long days. Tonight was the worst. I can't seem to get the abuse out of my head. The stress and flashbacks have literally made me sick. Part of me just wants to go get a bottle of Vodka or Rum and down the whole thing, but I wont. It just makes things worse.

I'm just wiped out physically and emotionally. I feel guilty because I haven't even really played with Foxy today because I'm so down. He keeps looking at me expectantly but I don't feel like I have the strength to do anything.

Rose
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tnmist responded:
Oh, I'm so sorry, Rose. I understand those times. Do you journal or purge this stuff in some way? I know I need to start journalling again, but it's hard to pick up the pen for some reason. Maybe beat up a pillow or scream into your pillow or something?? This is all still relatively new to me to be of much help, I'm afraid.

I have a confession, after a FB(s), it is very hard to quit mulling it over until I have had a therapy session and can tell someone. I guess my T has a way of debriefing me that I haven't been able to do on my own or even with a close friend. Sometimes I feel like my stomach is in knots in between sessions, and now the sessions are half as often due to financial reasons.

Is petting your rabbit soothing to you? Sometimes I just cuddle with my dog (who loves all the attention), and it helps a bit.

What pose are you striking with your blue blanket tonight? Is it wrapped snugly around you or perhaps worn like a cape?

{{{hugs if okay}}}

Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
I try to journal sometimes to help but I haven't been able to lately. I just sit there staring at the paper and I don't know I just can't write anything. I'm still learning to cope with this stuff too, so I understand.

I haven't had any new memories come up in awhile. I just have the same old ones come up in flashbacks and it's really hard to get out of them sometimes. The bad ones I just can't get out of my head. They just come over and over. I went to a counselor a few times but I haven't been in a long time now.

Petting him does help me calm down but I would like for him to just sit with me but because I haven't played with him today he's hyper and won't want to sit quietly. I'm just not up to chasing him around tonight.

I'm currently laying in bed in the fetal position with my blanket like a cocoon.

Thanks Misty. ((Hugs))

Rose
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Cocoons are nice, Rose. Sometimes it helps us feel secure. In the knowledge I have gained this past year dealing with this stuff now, I have to admit that it helps to "process" the FBs that pop up, and once they are processed, it's like unloading a heavy rock out of my backpack of life, and my mind is free to move on. Maybe it's time to consider therapy again?

I began therapy, oh, eons ago for major depression, and I went to quite a few T's before finding the right fit, but I'm glad I kept trying. Back then it was very difficult for me to even speak in session, and several of those "professionals" just didn't know how to handle that.

If you consider therapy again, I hope you are able to find one that is helpful and affordable.

Oh, by the way, when I take more than one Benadryl, it leaves me with a bit of a "hangover" effect, so I don't usually do that, but I have taken 50 mg at night sometimes. Trouble is, my body gets used to those pills, so I have to skip some nights and not take them every night, and now I just don't double up ever just because of that hangover effect.

Sure hope you can get some useful sleep tonight. {{Rose}}

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
Therapy isn't really an option for me right now. I know what you mean about having a hard time talking during your sessions. When I started going to see a counselor, I knew that I needed to go there but it took me a long time before I could even look at her much less really talk. I wore a hoodie so I could hide my face and barely spoke... I had two different counselors, they both handled it pretty well.

I take the benadryl at night partly because of my allergies. It helps me keep from getting congested during the night.

I'm so tired and my head is killing me. Eyes are sore from crying so much earlier. I hope I can sleep but I'm also kind of afraid too. I don't want to see it again but I know I will if I sleep.

Rose
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
{{Rose}} Times like these I feel pretty useless. Last night was a sleepless night for me, not sleeping until after 5 a.m. Sure hope your night was better.

Your mind is processing stuff, to be sure. I hope you find a healthy way to get it out of your system so you can have some peaceful nights. Hang in there, Rose. It won't always be this bad.

-Misty
 
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az330 replied to tnmist's response:
(((((Rose))))) all I can offer is hugs. Hoping today is better.
 
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bluerose90 replied to az330's response:
Misty & AZ

I'm a little better today. I slept for a couple of hours last night so that helped some. I wrote a very long and kind of angry email last night which helped get it out of my system some, but I never sent it. My rabbit must know that I'm not feeling very well because he sat quietly on my chest for a long time which he hardly ever does. He had me laughing over his fluffiness a little bit ago.

Thank you both for listening to my venting. (((Hugs)))

Rose
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Hope you are doing better today, too. Kudos to you for writing out that email! I hope it helps. {{Rose}}

I wanted to call out from work due to lack of sleep, but I am managing to muddle through. (I work out of my home, so it makes it easier.) Speaking of which, I better get back to it.

Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
I'm okay. A little better at least. I went for a walk this afternoon and played with my rabbit for a bit.

I hope you're doing good today too. It's nice that you get to work from home. That's definatly more comfortable.

Rose
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
I'm alive.

Hey, is this normal, or is there a fairly large decrease in people posting here now? Is it the time of year? Loss of Caprice? Everyone doing okay? I'm grateful for the ones who post, but I'm also feeling a little bit lonely here. Sigh. I'm very sorry you and AZ are having such difficulties, but I'm sure glad you are keeping in contact on the board. Sigh.
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
I'm not sure if this is normal or not honestly. I was away for something like 6 months at least because of not having internet. When I was here before there seemed to be more people commenting. Loosing Caprice could be part of it as well. I'm glad for you and AZ's comments too. Honestly at the moment this board is pretty much my support system.

I'll be okay hopefully in a few days. I go through phases where it gets really bad for awhile. Stress and lack of sleep makes the flashbacks/memories worse.

BTW I'm very glad you're alive.
((Hugs if okay))

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to bluerose90's response:
the board has a flow to it, we are in a quiet cycle now. Without Caprice engaging us 2x week, it does indeed seem quiet.

I am being over worked right now and dealing with hypothyroid issues, so just being quiet because my mind is off.

http://gettingthebucksout.blogspot.com/2013/02/o-o.html

my head space is even affecting my blogging, sigh,

Lets all just skip till spring...It will be warmer, AZ will be done with treatment and then we all can go outside for a picnic.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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bluerose90 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
Hey DD, it's good to hear from you.

I hope things get better with your work and your health soon. I'd like to skip to spring too and it's been ages since I've been on a picnic.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
I hear you, DD. I appreciate your taking the time to leave a few words. It means a lot to me. (I recently found out I, too, have a thyroid issue.) I hope things even out a bit in your life soon. I also hope we hear from you again before spring. Peace to you.

-Misty


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