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My appointment tomorrow *****TRIGGER!!****
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tnmist posted:
I finally see my T tomorrow. Thankfully he called me once last week when I asked him to, and so he already has a head's up on the latest.
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The 2 latest flashbacks seemed to have come out of the blue and put me in another tailspin because this time they reveal a second assailant. I was a couple or 3 years younger than this teen, who cornered me 2 different times (that I know of) and raped me, sodomized me. I know tomorrow's appointment will be hard, but at the same time I get such relief when I can dump it in my T's office. I always walk away a little lighter - one less rock out my backpack that apparently I've been carrying around for about 35 years. Even if I just sit and cry it will help.

Sometimes it isn't enough to cry; I need someone to know I'm hurting, and sometimes get angry for me. It gives me dignity to be reassured it wasn't my fault. The closer I get to the appointment time, the younger I feel...

Misty
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bluerose90 responded:
I'm so sorry Misty.

I'm glad that you're going to be able to see your T today. I really hope that it helps to get it out. I just have to say this too. It wasn't your fault. Not ever.

((Hugs if okay))

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Aww, **sniffle, sniffle,** thank you, Rose. It went better than I had hoped it would. And he arranged for me to see him at least twice a month for now in spite of my finances, for which I'm both embarrassed and grateful. He said this once-a-month deal just isn't working and twice a month is bare minimum. I simply have too much hitting me right now, and he is generously accommodating me.

I took a coloring page and 2 crayons--black and purple--to help get me through the session. He doesn't mind that stuff. He gets it. I don't always do that, but today I needed it.

The best news is that he really doesn't think this year will be like last year. The fact that my FBs are about someone else and not about the father is an indication that perhaps most of tthe hardest ones are behind me. Sure hope so.

{{gentle hugs to you, too}}

Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
You're more than welcome Misty.

I'm glad that it went well for you and I'm glad that he's going to see you a little more now. I hope that helps.

When I started talking to a counselor i always took a hoodie and my rock. I know that sounds weird. It's a smooth black river rock that fits in the palm of my hand. I would fiddle with it when I got stressed talking to her, which was pretty much the whole time, and I used the hoodie to hide my face. She was nice about it and understood why I was like that. So it was okay.

I really hope that he's right and that this year is going to be better/easier for you.

((Hugs))

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
That doesn't sound weird at all. Not even close. I think we censor ourselves much too harshly. I can totally understand the whole hoodie thing, and most of the time I have an item on my keychain I keep in my hands.

I take a notebook in there with me, and one time I decided to doodle, and boy was I surprised at what I "doodled" by the end of the session. I think I ended up handing it over for him to keep, ha. And picking up a pen and writing anything was impossible for me for the LONGEST TIME. Don't know why. If there was the name of some supplement or something he wanted me to try, he would write it on the back of a business card and hand it to me. I just couldn't bring myself to write anything down in his presence. Something about being watched. I don't know. **shoulder shrug**

Misty


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