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    Family, loneliness, moves
    tnmist posted:
    Rose, that was very brave of you and still is for living in another country. My main abuser is dead and gone, and I don't even know where his grave is or I would go STOMP on it, so I didn't have to deal with any of that stuff. I just can't imagine confiding in the family I have left. It's hard enough for me personally to accept all this history, and I'm not up to trying to convince anyone else about it.

    There are all kinds of "lonely," isn't there? I feel different kinds of lonely. When I'm trying to keep up with my house and finances I get lonely from having to do everything myself. Then there is the loneliness of knowing I can't be as close to my family as I would like in a perferct world. And sometimes when I'm surrounded by people that's when I feel the loneliest of all.

    I'm a middle-aged spinster, and that's a whole 'nother set of "lonely," but let's not go there, LOL. Right now I just could not handle having any sort of intimate relationship (my inner child says, "blech!"). I'm encouraged when I read about people who actually do have a supportive spouse. That's a treasure, I'm sure. For now, I'm better off with my 4-legged kids.

    Anyway, I'm glad you came back to the board. Thanks for being here.

    bluerose90 responded:
    I don't know if it was brave or not but I felt like I had to get away. So that's what I did. The first person that abused me has dropped off the face of the earth. I don't know where she is and I don't care to either. The other, well I know pretty much where he is. Him and his family lived very close to where I was from and since I was getting blamed by his family after I came out about what happened. I wanted to get away from them again. So here I am. Good or bad.

    There are many different kinds of "lonely". I get lonely from being on my own and I'm rather isolated. Also from knowing that I can't be as close as I would like to my family and friends right now. I know how you feel there. Sometimes I walk to the boardwalk, since right now it's tourist season here there are always a ton of people, but being there with all the people just reminds me of how alone I am. (Needs to stop with the depressing talk. Lol)

    I'm 23, so I guess I still have a little time left before I'm an old maid. Lol. My grandmother told my oldest sister she was on old maid after she hit 25. That was an interesting conversation. Lol. I can't handle having a relationship like that right now either. Maybe someday that will change. My rabbit is my baby though. He knows it too cause he's spoiled rotten. Lol

    I'm glad you're here too.

    Where there is shadow, there is light.
    tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
    Oh, I feel so OLD compared to you! Consider yourself BLESSED to be recovering from this stuff now instead of at my age. Honestly, I don't feel like I've had any sort of life, ever. I've always, always struggled with "recurrent major depression," used to be suicidal at times, have eaten myself into a major mess, and I'm just NOW finding out the root cause of all this? I feel like yelling out to God, "Can I have a do-over, please?" Hmm.

    Well, we have just one life on this 'ole Earth, and I try to tell myself that I just have to start where I'm at and make the best of whatever years I have left. What's that cliche? It's never too late to have a second childhood? That's me!

    I have never given thought to my future, as far as becoming old, retiring, or anything. I just always felt I would die young. I suppose that has something to do with the abuse, too. I haven't discussed that with anyone, to be honest.

    Sure would like to live instead of just survive at some point. For the first time in my life, I do feel there is hope as far as that goes.

    Keep on keeping on...I don't know your story, but I'm sure you have learned a lot of hard life lessons already. I can't imagine being that young and having the insights you already have. Yes, indeed. You are blessed. Revel in that thought. Oh, on some level that my sound ludicrous, but just think about it.

    I have some things to do this evening. Have a good one. Hope you write more about your bunny sometime. The wild little brown bunnies I see around here just chew on my veggie garden plants (when I had one) and leave LOTS of pellets in the backyard for my dog to find and EAT - BLECH. Does NOTHING for his breath!! But they are just too darn cute to stay mad at them, ha.

    bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
    Hey Misty,

    First of all, you're NOT old! lol

    I guess that I am fortunate that I'm dealing with this now rather than later on in life. It's just hard to consider myself fortunate. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

    I know what you mean with the second childhood thing. Lol One of my friends who's older than me said that when I was younger I never really... well I was serious and didn't have much fun as a kid... So she told me that I'm more of a kid now than I was before. Lol

    I've had issues with depression most of my life as well... I still have thoughts of hurting myself and suicide that I'm fighting... This last week or so has just taken it's toll because my flashbacks seem to be getting stronger... If that makes sense at all. Not many people know my story, at least not the details anyway. I can count them all on one hand. I still have an extremely difficult time talking about it. Not that it's easy for any of us...

    Oh, Foxy is laying down in his cage right now and he's streched out like a cat. Lol. I love to see wild bunnies too. Foxy though is a mix of white, black, and grey. He's so cute and fluffy! He always makes me think of the move Despicable Me. "IT'S SO FLUFFY!!!!" Lol He's also very ornery and likes to run around my room when I let him.
    Where there is shadow, there is light.
    tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
    Thanks for the kind words. So, you are an "old soul," too? I've always been. I have older siblings who used to tell me to lighten up. I've always been the serious one.

    I had been hospitalized several times when I was younger for attempts, or, as I got a little older, partial hospitalizations just to ground me. Then there was the stint in a sort of half-way home for folks who needed to work through some issues. It was an alternative to actual hospitalization, and I was there about 6 weeks from what I can remember. That was "interesting," but it was helpful at the time. But ALL of that only dealt with trying to cope with severe depression. None of the abuse stuff even surfaced back then.

    There was a time in my life when I tried to follow the advice in a famous recovery book about being able to recover from abuse even without any memories. (You know, kinda along the lines of - if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and swims, it's probably a duck), but it just wasn't working for me, so I packed up my "recovery" books and said enough was enough.

    Just when I'm trying to make a go at life in spite of depression, boom - there come the FBs. Did NOT see that coming, LOL!

    Okay, not sure how I got into all that...Don't really care to go down memory lane if I don't have to. Thanks for listening.

    bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
    Hey Misty,

    I guess I kind of am an "old soul". I hadn't thought about that before.

    Sorry that I didn't reply sooner but for some reason my computer was giving me fits this weekend. Maybe it was the browser's fault I don't know but it wasn't letting me sign into my account here, my email, or to netflix at all. *shrugs* I was finally able to get in here though.

    I've been on antidepressant drugs since I was about 15 or so. Most of them never worked. Thankfully I was never hospitalized but you know there have been times where I should have been I think.

    I thought you might like to hear something funny that Foxy did this morning after I let him out to play and gave him his food. After a few minutes of prancing around my room he all of a sudden took off running and took a hard turn and his back end literally went up into the air and swung out. Hahaha He did a Tokyo Drift!! Lol I started laughing and he stopped and turned around looking at me like, "What's so funny?" and went off running again. It was too cute.

    Where there is shadow, there is light.

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