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Repost... TRIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!
lovely_lemon_tree posted:

Posted: Apr 27, 2009

I became more and more depressed and upset. I even considered going to the counseling center at the school. The classic abusive signs were showing up, but I was too naive to know what was going on. It was always something like, well, wasn't I stupid to like the movie I liked, or only idiots would be friends with my stupid best friend, and wasn't I dumb to like the music I liked, or why don't I do the things he does because they're inherently superior to my contemptuous life. We continued to fight. We fought all the time, almost every time we had contact. I mentioned that maybe it was time for us to split. Then he'd play the "well, then, I guess I have nothing left to live for" card and then promptly disappear off the instant messenger or hang up the phone. I'd call him in a panic, convinced that if he killed himself, the blood would be on my hands. I remember telling myself that I had to hang on until he found someone else to live for.

Somewhere along that spring, he had a severe accident (out of pure recklessness) and totalled his car. He said to me "well, now that I don't have the car anymore I can't come up and visit you. I also have to get a job so I can get a new car." He started working the night shift at a data-entry place. And he met this girl -- Melva. He said to me, "Isn't that a stupid name? And doesn't it remind you of something?" and I said, "What, Melba Toast?" and he said "Yeah, and something else!!" (It turned out to remind him of the word "vulva.") Typical.

Over that Easter break, I caught the bus and came home a day early. And while our parents were all at work, he wanted to do more of the kinky stuff. I resisted and resisted and resisted, but he was insistent. He had it all planned out -- he wanted to try the "golden showers." He was going to do it in the bathtub at his parents' house so there wouldn't be a mess to clean up. He said to me, "Okay, do you want me to do it to you or you to do it to me?" I wanted neither, but I sure as hell didn't want him to do it to me. So I consented. I climbed on top of him, both of us naked in the bathtub, bowed my head, crying inside, and urinated on him. I could feel it running down my legs. He pulled me down on top of him and pushed himself inside me, the urine still between us. "I really liked it," he said to me. I just shook my head. He wouldn't even let me clean up afterwards. I went downstairs to the living room, sat in the sunlight filtering through the blinds, and curled in a ball as he had the luxury of a shower.

As I sit here writing this, I feel so incredibly filthy. There just is no other word to describe it. Is it any wonder that I cut myself in there? Is it any wonder that I want to skin myself alive? Is it any wonder that I want to scream and scream to the point where I could well see myself in restraints or in a padded room -- though the padded room would probably be clawed at with my nails and I'd draw blood from scraping them across my body and face.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
slik_kitty responded:
is this the same friend you are saying you have issues with now? if that's the case, then i think he has done enough to destroy the relationship and you need to move on without him. hugs
lovely_lemon_tree replied to slik_kitty's response:
No, this is not the guy... this is slime that I'm talking about. Slime was my major abuser.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
tnmist replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Hi, LLT...I may be a little confused regarding your re-post, but either way, I just want to state emphatically that that person was a major manipulator and abuser. I hope he isn't still in your life. And, BTW, if anyone in your life plays the "if you leave me, I may as well kill myself" card (which is also very manipulative), one response may be to tell that person that you are still going to walk away; however, if that is how they feel you will also call 911 for them because they must need hospitalization.

I haven't had boyfriends do that to me (boyfriends? Ha, what boyfriends?), BUT I have had friends in the past who did wrestle with depression and things, and I had to say, "Look, I'm happy to listen and be supportive, BUT I'm not a trained counselor and if you say you feel suicidal I always take that seriously and I will call for help for you." That's probably a bit different than having some major manipulator in your life to use you like a non-human and strip away all your dignity, but for anyone who is not a trained therapist, that is the safest way to handle anyone who says those types of things.

OH, I'm just so angry FOR you. I know that was 2009, and I don't really know you, I haven't been on this board even a year yet, and I'm not sure what your struggles are today, but, LLT, you are NOT filthy, you are NOT bad or disgusting or any of those things. This was a man who obviously had power over you, if nothing else then emotionally, and how DARE someone treat you that way.

I hope 2013 is much different for you than 2009. I hope you have someone in your life who respects you and honors you. If you don't, then I hope one day you WILL have an awesome relationship and know what it's supposed to be like.

Ugh, I'm just clucking away like a mother hen or something...Well, I'm in my late 40s, and you are obviously younger, and maybe my maternal instincts rose up just a tad there, I don't now. Let me end this prattling with some {{gentle, safe hugs}} if okay.


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