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    new - now what?
    jennycee posted:
    I'm new here. Been in therapy about 3 years, recently participated in EMDR session with my therapist and another (a specialist in EMDR). Good and bad -- the session was intense and tiring, but seemed to release some of the most haunting and difficult memories that I have suppressed. I find I am not reliving things in real time, but still the memories are there. Everything has now shifted for me and I am adjusting to life with the big scary icky stuff out in the open. That's good I guess because at least I can deal with it now, rather than re-experiencing it so intensely. But I also can't deny it any more. I'm kind of a mess. Sad, angry, confused, happy, sad again. Wanted to hurt myself for the first time in a long, long time. I feel exposed and overwhelmed. I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm hoping that this place can help me sort this out. Thanks.
    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
    Welcome to the board, glad you found us. There are some wonderful souls here, each of us in a different place in the healing journey.

    First time disclosure of the past can leave you, as you described above. Time and looking over the memories and events will slowly take the sting out of them. Communicating about them will remove the secretiveness and begin restoring your power to you.

    sounds like a celebration day is in order. Reward yourself for making progress. (food/movie/tangible item) This is important. Positively reinforce yourself that you are on the right path despite the discomfort.

    If SIV urges (self inflicted violence) is cropping up for you that may be a red flag you need to discuss with your therapist. Or at least to slow down and hash through what you already have before digging for more.

    SIV urges = control. You are feeling out of control and you know that injuring will give you that feeling of control back.

    Injuring will set you back. Make sure your T takes time to help you find healthy coping skills.

    I highly recommend journaling, either jotting down the feelings, draw pictures, scribble colors on a page, what ever works for you. (sculpting in playdoh? its all good)
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    Jade2012 replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Very helpful words, DD.
    I remember back when I first came on here and you gave me some very helpful words - so helpful that I printed them out and I keep them in my journal. I have reread them at least a dozen times. We are lucky you're here
    In helping others we shall help ourselves, for whatever good we give out completes the circle and comes back to us. - Flora Edwards
    marysings responded:
    I sang in church this morning. Before the song I shared with the congregation that ten years ago I had crashed into the deepest pit of despair and depression. Then I told them that I have made great progress in my healing journey. I sang "Blessings" by Laura Story. After the service many in the congregation told me they cried. If you haven't heard it the song, search the internet.

    My therapist and I have spent many, many sessions using EMDR. We learned the DBT skills together and I try my best to apply them to my daily life.

    Your statement that abuse memories are icky is right-on. As you delve further into your memories, you may begin to see nothing in your future except the abuse and even weekly therapy sessions don't seem enough. It WILL get better. Have patience with yourself and your therapist. My therapist, Dr.B, has told me that his goal for me is to work himself out of a job. And ever so slowly, I have improved. Sometimes I think I'll ever be "normal" again but I can now see that I will be well someday. The depression may be a part of me for the rest of my life but the abuse memories no longer cause me great grief.

    I hope you will come back to this website and let us know how you are feeling. Feel welcome to request hands to hold and shoulders to lean on. During my recovery I have often posted my greatest fears and the smallest victories. The people here are kind and caring. We all know what you are going through!

    I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
    jennycee replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Thank you and others who were kind enough to respond. I have a hard time thinking about celebrating. I felt liberated and strong right after my appt but since then I've been a train wreck and I feel like I let down both therapists by being too weak to handle the aftermath. They both say I'm brave but I sure don't feel it now. Everything is very raw and I am up/down/up/down. I could probably paint the house, run a marathon, and beat someone up (I have never done any of these things) but then I feel like I could sleep for days. I even found myself wishing I would be hit by a car walking to work - nothing too serious, but enough to put me in the hospital for a while, just to be cared for. Sick stuff, I know. Anyway, I have two small kids so this self-pity is an indulgence I can't afford. Thank God for them - they give me so much love. I feel unworthy but I try to fake it. I have felt an urge to be creative -- my mom was an artist -- so I've been drawing a bit, and even dusted off the old sewing machine. A lot has been unleashed -- I'm just not sure what all of it is. Plus I am now more aware that there are parts of me (I know we all have them, to some degree) and that from time to time I am not exactly in control of these parts. I've never been able to admit that and it's terrifying. God there is just so much I have to say and I don't know how to say it all. I guess it's good that I'm saying it, however rambling and ineloquent it may be. So thanks to everyone for allowing me to say it.
    slik_kitty replied to jennycee's response:
    welcome to the board. you are not alone in any of it. there are some of us with parts on here as well. i am one.
    bluerose90 replied to jennycee's response:
    Hey Jennycee,

    Welcome to the board. I know that it's hard to celebrate things right now but really every step forward that you take is a reason to celebrate. Having ups and downs takes its toll on you but don't let it discourage you because it's normal to have those times.

    We're always here to listen Jenny. Even if you feel like you're rambling just write to us, getting the thoughts and feelings out can help so much. Please take care. (((Hugs if okay)))

    Where there is shadow, there is light.

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