There is a part of me that wants to die. It's like it's always been there. She's been subdued for several years more or less, but those thoughts find their way to the surface more often again. Maybe someday I'll be free of them, but right now they just keep bubbling around causing turmoil. Does anyone understand what I mean? I'm not actively suicidal...just nagging thoughts, liking something dogging me, nipping at my heels, being a nuisance...Using different word pictures here (bubbles, dogs), but it's hard to explain. **Big Sigh**
I appreciate the responses. Sometimes I feel like such a freak. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone, but I am also comforted in knowing, others "get it."
The brainwashing started very early in life. I just don't know if I will ever have a more normal self-esteem. Just sick of feeling like a gutter rat all the time. I don't care how many years ago it was, there just isn't enough water on the planet to feel clean, 'ya know? Will I ever be able to pick up all the shattered pieces of my self and put me back to gether? I don't even know what "together" looks like. Will I even recognize me if I do?
I'm just not in a very good place these days... I'm sorry.
deep inside of us is the core of who we really are. it just gets covered up with all the crap piled on us as we are growing up. it is hard to dig out from that, but it is possible. i can see who you are through all of that and it is beautiful. you will dig out and you will see that person inside of you. it takes time, but you will do it.
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