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Oh-so tired
tnmist posted:
hesitate writing this. i'm afraid everyone will tire of my down times. It's just been a very discouraging week all around. i'm not asking for replies or anything. i just wanted to write for a minute. i'm just so, so tired of all the problems i face. i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel anywhere. Everything is just a mess. My existence is a mess, and i simply don't have the energy to fix things.

i think a lot of it is this wall of grief i can't seem to get past. Grief, shame, anger, too, somewhere. i'm so very tired of crying, but i guess i'm still grieving. Tears slide down my cheeks even now.

It's all i can do to get through a work week. i don't want another year like last year. i can't take it. i'm not having as many flashbacks, and i am relieved about that, but i'm so very.....SAD.

Going to go retreat now. Thank you for listening.

**Crayon today is the darkest blue possible, doesn't care if she stays within the lines or not.**
slik_kitty responded:
bluerose90 responded:
Hey Misty,

Write and vent as much as you need to. I'm always willing to listen, and I'm sure everyone here feels the same way. (((Hugs)))

Hang in there. Things are going to look up soon.


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Where there is shadow, there is light.
soulkeepers responded:

Hope things get better for you soon.

Vent,post similes,scream or whatever you need to do here.This place is built for it and the people will do what they can to help you.

Hoping you get some much needed rest tonight.
tnmist replied to soulkeepers's response:
Thank you for the responses. I'm still breathing.

**uses charcoal gray and purple crayons today**
slik_kitty replied to tnmist's response:
purple is my favorite color. glad you are still with us. hope you are feeling better today.
tnmist replied to slik_kitty's response:
I am, thank you. Was working on a project last night, which perked me up, especially when a friend helped me solve an issue. Am learning web site administration for my church. Basically building a new website. It's a lot to learn, but a good friend is helping.

Purple is an awesome color. Eventually my bedroom will be some sort of purple shade, not sure yet exactly. Not sure if I have the energy to tackle it this year, but at some point I will. Something calming, not glaring or with too much pop.

I'm still short on sleep, but maybe tonight will be better...

marysings responded:
Misty, I have been here almost 10 years and there have been many days that I posted 3 or 4 times in one day. No one has ever told me that I was posting too much. When you hurt, you hurt. There is often no specific reason. So you post and your encouragement comes from the responses. And if it takes hours of posting, it is okay.

Years ago the people on this board were very good friends, posted a lot and even met in real life. It's definitely different now but this could still work:

I would post that I needed a boat ride and there were quickly ten or more answers - all telling me that they were coming and what they were bringing for the ride. Food, blankets, drinks, pillows, dolls, etc. Sometimes we got downright silly, the loaded boat would wobble, and the ones who had a problem with motion sickness could just lean over the boat, puke (it disappeared instantly), and then we would continue. It was the amazing how all of us would feel so much better without a lot of effort.

You want to post that you need a boat ride? You post "I need a boat ride" and let's see who joins. And we may need to do this again this evening, tomorrow, and the next day but that's all right.

I'm strong willed and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I'm sometimes out of control, but I love and give with all my heart. Have patience with me as I heal.
bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
Hey Misty,

I'm glad your project helped to perk you up a bit. It sounds like you're going to have your hands full with the website stuff for awhile. I know projects/doing something with my hands always helps me.

It's funny you should mention painting your bedroom because I was just thinking about that last night. I was thinking something along the lines of a light blue. Kinda like you I'm not sure if/when I would be able to do it though.

((((Hugs)))) I hope you are able to sleep better tonight. Hang in there.


Oh, something kind of funny that you might like to hear. This morning Foxy was running around my room and I had been cleaning and set the gorilla that I made a few days ago on the floor. A minute or so later I looked down and Foxy was chewing on his leg and kinda dragging him off! Lol He's an ornery little wabbit! I hope that makes you smile. ((hugs))
Where there is shadow, there is light.
az330 replied to bluerose90's response:
Misty.....thinking of you ((((HUGS)))))

tnmist replied to az330's response:
To AZ: Thank you. (((gentle hugs in return))).
To: Mary: A boat ride, eh? I may do that soon. Thank you for the suggestion.
To: Rose: Sounds like you get a lot of entertainment from Foxy. I appreciate your sharing, although not sure I would have the patience for a critter so quick to munch on a newly finished project - yikes. Hope he didn't do much damage.

Tonight I don't feel well, so not getting much accomplished. I think I will try to collapse soon and aim for better sleep.

tnmist responded:
haven't felt this low in quite some time. i thought i was having a bad time last week, then I looked at my weekend mail and, oh, wait, yes, it is possible to feel even worse. i have some problems in my life that i'm sick and tired of dealing with, and it just makes me sick and tired of life. i'm not very good at managing my life, and my mistakes seem insurmountable at this point.

i honestly think that the abuse from my childhood set me up to fail in a lot of ways. i don't mean to sound like that's a cop-out for everything, but that bad foundation has caused so many problems that i don't think any part of my life was left untouched by it. How do you even get past this enough to start making better decisions with your life??! And how to you keep from caving in from the mountain of bad decisions up to this point? i just don't see how this gets better. i'm no good with my health, my finances - just everything. i stink at life.


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