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am I losing my mind....please help
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raerob posted:
I was abused when I was little by my grandfather, I was not the only one. But I was 13 years younger than the oldest one abused and onother was abused for 13 years and others. As I grew I'd tell myself, I will NEVER let this happen to my children.
When my youngest was 9 now 25, she came to me and told me something about her grandfather, my husbands father. I discussed this with a health professional and they called CPS. A big investigation went forward and by the times the police were sent to question him he had a lawyer already and they did not have enough to go on BUT they in turn arrested my nepwhew at the age of 12/13 for sadomy against my daughter.
I went through hell. no one believed me they said I was a liar, I was evil, I was messed up.........so many things were said against me. We managed to survive that but many years of heart ache and keeping some of my feelings in.
Now I am very uncomfortable with my son-in-law. I get such uneasy feelings from him but not all the time. I worry about my grandaughter who is now 3. What if i am wrong/what if I am right? I do not want an innocent person in trouble. I DO NOT want my grandaughter harmed. How wrong would it be to put a hidden devise in my grandaughters room so I can listen for her at night. My daughter has been working a new night shift job and her husband is home. They live with us. I do not trust my son-in-law at times, there is just something about him. 1 year ago my daughter told me he was on the floor playing with his daughter and she got on the floor and played with them because she was suspicious the way he rolled away, and she found that he had gotten aroused while playing with his daughter. My daughter brought it to his attention at first he denied and said it had a mind of it's own and when he was playing his daughter was bouncing or brushing up against it. He was ashamed and embarrassed.
My daughter wrote about it and got questions and comments to see is it normal. My daughter spoke to me, I called 2 people and we brought my grandaughter to the doctors and had her checked out. Thank God she checked out fine. But i still feel sick at times about this incident. I do not feel this way about everyone BUT some people I get such strong uncomfortable feelings/vibes from...I don't feel comfortable with him giving her a bath or helping her in the potty at times........am I really that messed up? Help me, if my son-in-law is truly innocent ok, fine. But what if there is the slightest chance my feelings I have at times are to be true. God knows I want to protect her. I get the same uneasy feeling from my son-in-laws father too. So is there something wrong with me???? How can I investigate? We know he was aroused once and it was talked about and physical was given. What if it's me?? My mind/my thoughts??? I want to protect her and not give any opportunity for anyone to harm her. I am powerless
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slik_kitty responded:
it's good to keep a watchful eye out, but you need to be careful that your suspicion towards men isn't affecting your judgement of your son in law. talk to your granddaughter and tell her that if she is ever touched inappropriately to talk to you or her mom, then take it from there. you can't spy on them, but you can make sure that she knows that if something happens that it is ok to talk about it and get help.
 
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raerob replied to slik_kitty's response:
When we brought her to the doctors we did not explian the real reason because what if it was innocent and some kind of normal for his arrousal. But she was definately checked out. Ok here is more. My daughter shares alot of her experiences so to speak not ALL but sometimes I think too much. I always told my daughters they can talk to me about anything and everything. Ummm yeah TMI at times. Maybe if i did not know some personal things in there relationship it would not bother me. My daughter sometimes does not know what to feel. That has to be difficult being with a man that you don't feel 100% about things. She is fear of him at times because anytime they have an issue he always uses the pumpkin and she gets afraid because we don't have money for lawyers if ever needed. I feel bad but mixed, very mixed. You are right I can't spy. We have to come up with good ideas about good touch bad touch, even this can be confusing because you don't want to plant anything wrong in a childs head too. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I am so emotional off and on.
 
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bluerose90 replied to raerob's response:
Hi raerob,

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this...

It's so hard to figure out what the right thing to do is in situations like this, but I think that SK is right about teaching your granddaughter that she can come to her mother with anything and what kind of touch is wrong.

I'm sorry that I'm not more helpful. I wish you the best of luck with everything you have going on. Post here all you want. Sometimes it helps a lot to just write things out and vent.

Rose
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Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to raerob's response:
Hello. That's a lot on your shoulders. I'm sorry. Is there a counselor or another professional you can talk to that may offer some suggestions on how to approach the situation or the best way to talk to your granddaughter to keep her safe? I know there are a few books out there now aimed at teaching young children safety. It could just be a book that you read to her, etc. And counseling not just for that but for yourself. Keeping all that stuff stored inside is never good.

-Misty
 
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raerob replied to bluerose90's response:
Thank you.

It's very difficult for me. I am not a mind reader and I do not have esp. but I have had such gut feelings about people in the past, only if I'd a listened to my gut then. As a Mom I have always told my daughters "always listen to your gut". I did not and I so regret it. BUT what if I am wrong? I have spoke to my daughter today and I asked her straight out, do you have any issues with your husband being alone with your daughter and she said, no. She said sometimes she'll hear her daughter cry a different cry and it makes her go check it out because she said it makes her stomach drop when she has heard it. As a mother you know the sounds and types a cry your child makes, ya know?? They are moving out in 3 weeks. My daughter is trying to get on days. I am hyper-sensitive uhggggggg.
 
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raerob replied to tnmist's response:
Misty,
I have been to professionals in the past. After having two deaths in my family with-in 4 months and the event of the arrousal incident, I have had some things resurface. I will look for someone to talk to soon.

I will search for books aimed for children.
 
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DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to raerob's response:
  • ************************ ******************************* **************** ***************** triggering conversation **************************

    welcome to the board, Glad you found us. So sorry you have need to be here.

    As I read through this thread one thing kept coming up.

    the need to tell you, whoa!!

    You sound like a run away horse galloping hellbent this way and that way lathered up and deathly afraid of slowing down or stopping.

    I am not going to advice you to slow down, heck I am going to advice you to STOP. Just stop. Stand still for a moment and don't move.

    Your life sounds like it is revolving around your at lightspeed.

    that you are running so fast...in an attempt to outrun the past, outrun the emotions, out run it all.

    STOP.

    Take a deep breath.

    Use this board as a hitching post to latch onto and get grounded and refocused.

    You are trying to out run the monsters from your childhood and your daughters childhood, and now your grand childs.

    Has no one told you, you can't out run this. The way you deal with it is to STOP - hold your ground and face it. You will never get your power back while you are fleeing.

    You get it back by stopping, drawing a line in the sand with a stick then shouldering the stick and threatening anything that comes over the line with a whack to the head.

    First rule of saving a drowning person is.....don't be drowning next to them.

    You will not be able to effectively help daughter/grand etc if you - yourself have not reached a stable level in your own healing.

    heh, sorry...guess I should introduce myself. I am Paja. Known big mouth on the board. You can ignore me if you want. I am not one to smile and pat you on the head, I am one that will play hard ball with you.

    One thing to think about..

    you said: My daughter brought it to his attention at first he denied and said it had a mind of it's own and when he was playing his daughter was bouncing or brushing up against it. He was ashamed and embarrassed.


    men get erections for all dumb sorts of things. HE DID THE RIGHT THING. He removed himself from the situation. He was ashamed and embarrassed.


    I have a daughter and let me tell you, i DID NOT WANT A DAUGHTER, for the very reason of not wanting to face the father/daughter dynamics.


    It triggered me IMMENSELY. It changed my relationship with my husband and my son. Now they were viewed as potential abusers, vs father and brother.


    It is a fiiiiiine line between protecting G-daughter and ruining her relationship with her father. Girls need a healthy good father role model. You can damage that by making her afraid of him.


    I had several conversations with my hubby on this subject. So he knew EVERTHING he did with his daughter is a trigger to me. I helped him learn boundaries. (rather then sitting on his lap, she would sit next to him) etc.


    again, welcome to the board, glad you found us. I hope you find what we all have found here. A wonderful place to come and be heard and speak thoughts aloud with others who understand.


    Peace be the journey


    Paja



    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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    raerob replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Paja,
    thanks. I did respond but on my other post that you replied to. I don't want to do anything wrong or damage anyones relationships. My daughter has told me alot of things TMI and when I hear it my heart pounds my mind fills with worry. Is it normal, is it not. They are moving out soon, I can't wait and then there is the part of me, when I feel my emotions and I think if ever harms her it may be his end.

    Paja, nice to meet you, my name is Robin.


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