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Tired of the inner battle
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raerob posted:
I am having the ups and downs of life and I have been in the downward spiral. Having a difficult time with my feelings. All kinds of feelings. Isolating more, either, sad, angry, crying, confused. I even feel bad for others if they see me up and down. I feel like I just can't get a grip at times. As much as my husband uses the term "turn it off like a light switch" only if it were that easy for me. I wish.....

Yesterday I started a post and as I was writing, I cried and cried. I then hit delete instead of post. I was a fraid of what people would think of me for being in downer mode. It's a rollercoaster for me and I really am tired of it. I know some things I need to do or I should do BUT I am in the down mode really bad. I just feel too weak, too tired to deal with anything or anyone, I feel burnt out. I can't escape, I am stuck, I have no way out. I am tired of being taken advantage of but it's my fault because I don't set boundaries, I have trouble saying no. No matter any of the things I may have an issue with I always blame myself in the end because of being up and down with my feelings....I can't seem to get a grip. I am tired of fighting because it just seems like NO ONE listens or understands me.
Why do I want to be heard? Why is it so important to feel as though I am understood.

Growing up, if I was asked a question and answered it wrong ( not what they wanted to hear) I would be punished. This kept me in fear of speaking up. I have spoke up recently with some family members and my words were on the attack mode I was told. mThings were said people were hurt and angry. I was angry, hateful for days, if anyone would of got in my face, I probably would of popped them one. ( this is not me) Now I feel as though everyone would be better off and I would be better off not calling or talking to them as little as possible. therefore comes more isolation.
At this moment, this is my only way to associate and communicate with people until things change in my household. I do not have any other rescources. I have not been anywhere in 2 weeks. It may be months before I get transportation. I feel like I am everyones convienience...........................I am so tired.

Thanks for letting me get it out.

I am my own worst enemy...............................
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DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
  • ********************************** ********************************* ***************** possible triggering conversation *************

    You: Yesterday I started a post and as I was writing, I cried and cried. I then hit delete instead of post. I was a fraid of what people would think of me for being in downer mode


    This board is for all of us. Not just those who are healed. We are all in different places in our healing journey.


    If you are down, be down, don't slap on a happy face to please us. This board is one place you can be real, honest and who you are.


    There is no need to apologies or worry about bringing others down. Do you know that reaching out to help others who are hurting is healing for others? To be able to offer the love and compassion many were denied in childhood to others is healing.


    You: Why do I want to be heard? Why is it so important to feel as though I am understood.


    Because you need validation. You need the simple curtisy of being seen. You are worth being seen and heard. Because you have been backed into a corner and you are ready to come out swinging, but you don't know how. You don't know how to speak up for yourself.


    How long as it been since you had a physical done? If you are in the postmenopausal range you could be having the extra added hormonal fluctuation to further make life choppy for you.


    Sometimes finding peace means looking at all the whole picture not just the symptoms. Are you eating healthy? getting some exercise, enjoying hobbies...etc. Are you living or just existing?


    You are ready to stop running and start healing. You know that don't you? The very fact that you are here and reaching out says, I am done, running, I am ready to stand my ground and change things for me.


    Good for you.


    We are all our own worse enemies. No one knows you like you do. You will befriend her in time. That anger and chaos in your head can be refocused into a powerful healing tool. And you will save that woman you see in the mirror.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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    raerob replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    TRIGGER

    I agree with you and thank you for your reply. I don't exactly know how to speak up for myself in the moments that gets intense to make an important point ect.. I know things that I should do. No I have not been to the doctors. I have been waiting for my husbands insurance to kick in. It will not go into effect until July.

    You wrote: You are ready to stop running and start healing. You know that don't you? The very fact that you are here and reaching out says, I am done, running, I am ready to stand my ground and change things for me

    Me: YES, I am ready....I just have to be stronger a little while longer.....it could be a few more months that I have no transportation, no bus line, not even cabs availeable where I live......seriously this is my only way right now. To come on here, hope I make some sense, I care about others. I care about you and you are a stranger with very strong powerful words or wisdom. thank you for your honesty, thank you for replying. I am on overload.

    You also reponded to my only other post today. thank you and you are right. On March 2nd we handed over our Marches mrtgage payment to my daughter so her & my son-in-law & grandaughter could get there own place.We made a choice to do this because I just can't live the way we have been living anymore. I need it for my own sanity. My husband & i have become prisoners in our own room, it's like they took over our home. I have asked my daughter to not have conversations outside my bedroom door, because I could hear and I did not want to hear anything anymore. there is another living room and 2 bedrooms and a kitchen.....her reply to me was to plug my ears and what I asked her was not right. It's difficult to live with people when you hear and see all behaviors, good & bad, when you know TMI. When you are here 24/7 and don't know how to get away from things except to go in my room. I have to let go and not be involved, I believe my daughter knows how to take advantage of me. I have been ill, crying and emotional and I asked her to take her daughter with her when she was going to the store. i told my daughter I am just not well and my eyes were welling up and she just argued with me and told me how much she had to do. i am my daughters it. I can't help but worry about her and my grandaughter. I want them to be healthy and happy and work together as a family and prosper and hopeful that all there dreams come true. I do believe by my daughter telling me TMI with her personal relation ship with her husband has me guarded in a way. Some of it is disturbing to me and I think it disturbs me because some of it, to me makes me see red flags.

    My desperation is real when it comes to wanting to protect, that I can't help. I am not in control of any other adult, how they speak, feel, be have. I would love to explain some more, maybe it's just me. When I was abused I went to my mother and told her what happened, well put it this way, where I was, was right under there noses and my whole family was looking for me yelling my name, I was not aloud to say a word. When he finally let me out, I went into my house and my mom asked where have you been. I told her. What were you doing?? Hmmmmm it's hard at the age of 5 to know the correct answer to say but i told her what he was doing to me, he as in her father and she slapped me across the face, washed my bottom with soap until it burned and sent me to bed, no dinner, nothing.

    WOW where I am is all over the place. I am still going to hit the submit button on this.................it must have to come out..........I want things to be quiet....ya see my mind is constantly going from one thing to another............I am so not crazy...............I guess I just can't stuff or carry anymore.
     
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    raerob replied to raerob's response:
    I see now, why I brought up my past....atleast I think I do....ya see I never thought I could talk to anyone without getting in trouble because of this, I raised my 2 daughters and in raising them I expressed over and over again. I am here for you, if you ever need to talk about anything, good or bad. I am here.

    There have been some times when I was like woah....and she has told me that she has no one else to talk to.

    I have also encouraged her to go to counsiling/single & marriage & maybe parenting aswell.

    I think it will get better when they move out....I hope. I have to set some boudaries soon and stand firm. Sometimes my stinking thinking, believes she may think of her own needs first before her daughter. OMG I feel awful I just said that....see these are my fears...I need to get through this, I need help to deal with this.
     
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to raerob's response:
    (not ignoring you, working all weekend, will have time to reply Monday after the kids go to school. All I can give you right now are short replies and don't want to do that, want time to write in depth.)
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
     
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    raerob replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Before you reply, I want you to know that today Monday. I am feeling much better. When I had written the above. I was very low.
    I am trying to refocus. Made a list of things to do, steps to take. Eating, exercise, drinking lots more water ect. Someone to talk to. I am going to refocus on me and I feel very good about this. There are things I want to accomplish in the future and I am so excited about. I am organizing and planning on cleaning, redecorating the house after the kids move out. i am going to make it mine again and oh yeah btw I just got that book "Boundaries" now I have to fit reading in it aswell.

    I had a few ah-ha moments since I wrote the above posts. I realize by writing it out and reviewing some things really helped in assessing myself. On top of that, in my other post you suggested for me to "stop" "Whoa" be quiet......well on Saturday someone sent me a necklace and the necklace said "Be Still".........got goosebumps Thank you and the person that sent me that you both are so right, i am being quiet and i am slowly getting agrip, just going about it a little differently.


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