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Dragon, dragon, dragon
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tnmist posted:
Guess that should be my nickname, because I've just had another rough week, missed most of work Tuesday, and should have been cleaning and doing things today, but just can't muster up the energy. I finally did get up, shower, dress, and drag my sorry butt to the store for some necessities. I was supposed to see my T today but I cancelled on him. Pretty sad when too depressed to go see your T.

The up-side is that I'm headed to a friend's house for supper, and so I don't have to figure out any sort of meal tonight. Her husband cooks a special meal (usually) on Friday evenings, and they usually have a few people over. It's a small gathering, but I haven't seen them in a couple of weeks, and I decided to go.

I'm going early so I can just sit and color. She understands. Just in a weird space right now. I think I really need spring to come!!! Had a nice weekend with the weather last weekend, and now it's all dismal again. Now if I could just put my hands on my favorite coloring book...

-Misty
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bluerose90 responded:
I'm glad that you're going to go to your friends house tonight. I hope you have some fun and get to relax a little. Being around other people might help lift your spirits too.

(((Hugs)))

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Thanks. A few more people than expected, but I managed not to freak out. Met some other women in tough times, bless their hearts. And I remembered where I put my fav coloring book. After supper the hostess was teaching the other women how to bead and I sat and colored and another friend also decided to color a picture, too. I may try to take my hook rug project another time if they are going to work on beading because I'm not into that sort of thing. But I also like my Friday evenings at home, so I don't know. Can go sometimes, I guess.

I think I'm headed to bed soon. Socializing wears me out even more.

Read the forecast for my area, and we are supposed to have "cooler than normal" temperatures for the next 6 days. UGH. I may need to try to get one of those special lights for next winter to help keep depression more at bay.

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
I'm glad that the extra people didn't freak you out. I know that it makes me freak out sometimes.

I've wondered if those lights make much of a difference. I know that some doctors swear by them. I hope you got some rest last night.

I finished knitting a dog and I think that my next project is going to be knitting an Eeyore. I went to the shop today and got the yarn I would need. The colors aren't the best match for him but they're close enough. I swear I am going to have a zoo here soon if I don't stop this. LOL
It just seems to really help me to keep my hands busy and focusing on other things.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Thanks. You really will have a zoo! Too cute. Wish I was clever that way. Don't have the patience for knitting or crocheting. I'm left-handed, and a couple of different people tried to teach me years ago, but they were right-handed, and I just couldn't seem to "get" it. I think I would like crocheting if I could get the hang of it. I know others who do something with their hands, like drawing, to help stay in the present. Is that why you are so busy these days? Are you struggling to stay present?

As for the light, I have a friend who uses one each winter, and she knows it makes a difference with her.

I've had a busy morning, so I think I hear a nap calling my name...My dog is still wound up from being in the crate, and I'm waiting for him to settle down a bit.

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
I'm right handed myself and I've taught a few different people to knit over the years but honestly I've never tried to teach anyone who is left handed. If you would like to learn I could see if I can find anything, websites, books, or video's that are for left handed people that might help.

I guess in a way it does help to keep me present. I'm on my own most of the time and honestly I don't have many things to keep myself busy here. I wish I did. Having so much time to myself without much to do seems to make my brain go over and over the abuse. I still have a very hard time with guilt and shame over what happened. So when my mind has too much time to think about it's just not good. I'm going to work on a schedule Sunday and a list of things to do to keep myself busy. I'm hoping that it will help to keep me from getting too depressed again.

Enjoy your nap and I hope your dog calms down a little for you.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Thank you for the offer, Rose, but I'm not really up to any of that right now. So, not to be nosey, but you have time on your hands, kinda hiding out? Not working? I don't know how you do it or why, and it's none of my business, but I'm envious of you. I wish I had some major time off from work but could still get the bills paid, and I have no way of doing that sort of thing.

Okay, don't get whiplash here, as I change the subject. I'm just going to bury this comment in here, and if people find it, fine. If not, whatever...I feel like no one can hear me anymore. I feel like my life is spinning way out of control, I'm drowning here, and no one can hear me or even notices. I used to think no one would notice if I "disappeared," and those thoughts are nagging me again. No, I'm not going to do anything, but I do feel like I'm going crazy.

My weight is really scaring me these days, and I'm having some health issues, so I'm going to have to make a doctor's appointment even though I hate doctors and I don't have one that I feel is right for me. The doctor I have seen a few times is nice enough, but I don't feel that he looks at the whole picture and acts so nonchalant about everything even though I feel I'm a train wreck about to happen. And because I've had doctors who dismissed any complaint I had once they knew I dealt with depression and stuff that I feel this one probably does the same thing, but he is nice.

I decided I will call his office on Monday and when I do get in to see him I will tell him that I need someone to help me with my overall health not just prescribe a med for every individual complaint. I'm scared of seeing the lab work results and stuff, though. I know I'm not doing well with most everything, and I can't seem to rein it in and get on a healthier track, and I'm so sick of feeling sick and tired!!!

I just feel like no one hears me and I'm invisible, which is funny in a way because I usually wish I was invisible but not when I feel like I'm spiraling downward.

Does any of this rambling make sense?? I don't know whether to be angry or cry or what. I feel like I'm going nuts. I don't feel at all grounded anymore. What happened? What's going on?!!! The beginning of the year seemed to start off okay. What's going on? Sigh. I wish I knew.

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
It's really complicated about why I'm here at the moment. It has it's good points but I would much rather be back home. Family talked me into coming here after I told them about what had happened. I guess they thought it would be easier for me to be here for awhile.

I'm not working at the moment but I'm looking for work. I took some classes last year to do some online work but I haven't been able to find clients as of yet (despite ads, emails, letters, and more phone calls than I can count) and since I haven't been able to practice I'm worried that if I was able to find some clients right now my finished work wouldn't be as good as I want. So yeah, I'm not working at the moment, but I really, really, really, really wish I was. It sounds good to have the time off but honestly it just gives you more opportunities to dwell on all the bad things. I would much rather be busy working on something.

(((Hugs))) You're not invisible to me. I'm so sorry about how you're feeling right now. I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better. I struggle with those thoughts too. Please keep yourself safe, Misty.

I used to work for a clinic so I know how doctor's can be from both sides of the glass. Sometimes it does take the patient coming out and saying what they need. Otherwise most doctor's do just focus on the one problem and don't look at everything.

You don't sound crazy at all, Misty. (((Hugs))) I know it's hard to do but try to keep your chin up. You're at a low point right now and everyone has ups and downs, so don't give up. Try to be gentle with yourself and remember that you will feel better.

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
Life can get complicated, can't it? I hopey you find work or volunteer activity or something. Maybe you can sell your creations? Just a thought.

Just trying to hold on right now. I feel like I'm being pulled (or sucked) out into the abyss of insanity, and I'm tired of holding on, but another part of me says I must. I left a message with my T to try to get worked in this week if possible. I've been thinking, and I think he does "get" that I'm not okay because he is working with me financially to make sure he can see me, and for that I'm embarrassed and ashamed but grateful, too. I hope he has an opening this week, but if not, well, God knows my needs, too, and He will help me hang on until I can get in.

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
  • Sigh* Yes, it really can. I've been looking into a few different things that I might be able to do here. Actually the woman who owns the little shop that I get yarn from keeps asking me if I would like to sell what I make, she has me show her pictures of everything or bring it in to her, but I don't have a work visa here and I'm concerned about getting into trouble with the local government if they caught wind of it.

    I hope that your T can work you in this week and I'm really glad that he's been so good about working with you financially. Please don't be embarrassed about it either. There are a lot of people, especially in the last few years, with financial trouble. Me included. I'm just glad that he's being good about it. (((Hugs)))

    I know you're a religious person from earlier posts and this one. I was just going to share a scripture with you that I thought you might like. I don't want to offend you or anything... I hope it doesn't. 2 Corinthians 4:7,8; Psalms 34:18 It always helps me...

    Rose
    Where there is shadow, there is light.
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    tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
    I see. Yes, would not want you to inadvertently get in legal trouble.

    Thank you for your encouragement. I had a major trigger (apparently) and meltdown this evening. A neighbor's grandson's pickup was sitting in their driveway (close to my office) in idle mode for the longest time because it's old and lately he has been doing this in order for it to stay on when driving. Trouble is it doesn't have a muffler and droned loudly on and on. He usually races it for a short bit and then is able to take off, although I doubt that can be good for the engine. But tonight it was just sitting there idling and idling. I felt panic rising in me, and I went and screamed into my pillow and cried my eyes out. I don't have a clue what that was about. Been pretty numb for awhile, but I'm coming around now. Sure wish he would get that thing fixed.

    -Misty
     
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    tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
    Oh, and, no I don't mind being reminded of Scripture promises. There are a lot of good ones. I'm glad you find confort in His Word, too.

    -Misty
     
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    bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
    I'm glad that you don't mind me sharing those with you.

    I'm sorry that you were triggered tonight. I hope he fixes the truck soon too. Maybe you could try headphones when he does that? I'm not sure what type of work you do at home but if you can use some noise canceling headphones, or even a good pair of ear buds, that will help block out the sound. Listening to music that relaxes you while the truck is running may help.

    (((Hugs))) I hope you feel better.

    I've been sleeping better the last couple of nights, which is novel and very nice, but I'm afraid that the two large glasses of wine that it takes to make me sleep (along with my med and allergy pills) is a bad thing... I don't normally drink but I'm just glad to have slept more than 3 hrs for the last couple of nights.

    Rose
    Where there is shadow, there is light.
     
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    tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
    Uh-oh, ya, that doesn't sound like a good trend to keep going. I understand caving in occasionally, though. I hate the taste of alcohol (even in food dishes), but that's a good thing 'cuz I might have been an alcoholic if I liked it. I took a Benadryl last night and slept nearly 6 hours and it felt like heaven. After all the crying I did this evening, I will take another one to help clear my sinuses and sleep again. I hope you find a healthier way to get some sleep!

    My work involves me keeping it fairly quiet around here, so that truck was frustrating me to begin with. Thank you for your suggestions, though.

    Do be careful mixing alcohol and meds. Seriously. I've lost more than one family member from stuff like that.

    -Misty
     
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    tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
    I didn't feel like starting a new discussion, but recently I've been struggling to stay present. I was driving home late one night a couple of nights ago and it was all I could do to stay in the moment but I knew I had to because I was behind the wheel of my car. My hands were gripping the steering wheel, but my arms didn't seem to be attached to my body. Never had that happen.

    I have a confession, though. Ever since I had those memories come back and I KNOW I must have completely dissociated as a child on multiple occasions, I've been wishing I could just disappear for a break and let someone else have the reins. I still don't think I'm quite that far on that dissociative line where I have that choice, but I really, really wish I could disappear for a breather. Not sure how my work would get done, though....And I've been using sick days this year already, so I don't have much accumulated to take a "real" mini-vacation.

    I hope I'm not the only one with those thoughts 'cuz I would feel less looney tunes if others have had similar thoughts.

    I just feel too close to the breaking point with my life!

    -Misty


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