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Just stuff
tnmist posted:
Ended up taking a few-hour break instead of a few-day break...Rose, AZ, I'm glad you 2 are still posting, whether it be good, bad, or ugly. I'm just glad I'm not alone here. It's quiet times like these on the board that I especially miss Caprice to help support us when so many of us are struggling.

I'm convinced that nearly everything going wrong in my life has its roots in the initial years of abuse. Poor coping mechanisms have led to health problems and financial woes right up to today. I know that as an adult it is up to me to fix myself, but thanks for nothing, progenitors, for giving me such a lousy foundation. Will I EVER have better health, or be in a better financial position? I don't know if I even have it in me to change. I'm just angry and frustrated for being in such a mess. Mostly angry at myself for not teaching myself better by this time, but at least I know my past now and can try to turn this ship around.

I see my T every 2 weeks because I can't afford more (and even with that he is working with me), but I have enough stuff to discuss with him at LEAST weekly and sometimes more than that. It's hard to decide whether to try to give it all to him for him to at least comment on or keep some of it and let him counsel me more in depth on some things.

I don't know. Yes, it was good that I could see him today. I consider that an answer to prayer because there wasn't an opening until the last moment.

I'm not sure whether I'm angry or just feeling grief right now over everything, maybe both. These memories restored to me also have shaken my trust in God. I understand the core - that people have free will, and that free will sometimes really hurts others, but God did not abandon me as a child, and He has not abandoned me now. Okay, I get that, but I'm still a bit gun-shy about trusting Him right now. Guess I'm waiting for my heart and my mind to get in sync again.

In the meantime, I get to exercise trusting Him for a couple of weeks because I've paid what bills I can, bought minimal food and pet food, and put some gas in the car, and here I will sit until next payday in 2 weeks. I don't like running things this close to 0, but it is what it is. I know I will get a few notices or phone calls in the meantime, too, but I can do nothing about it for now. On the upside, my pets will be taken care of, I do have a roof over my head, running water and electricity, and I can still see my T.

I think, really, I'm just mad at myself for not doing better. I can't even file my taxes because I can't pay for filing until next payday. Sigh.

Thanks for listening.

bluerose90 responded:
Hey Misty,

I'm glad that you at least had some time for a break.

I know the toll it can take on a person to be abused at a young age. It effects you're life in a lot of ways and most of them aren't good. It's difficult to change, to learn new ways of coping, so please don't be too hard on yourself. It will take time but you'll get there. Maybe I'm wrong but I think that anyone who experiences something as traumatic as sexual abuse, no matter their age, has trouble reconciling it with their beliefs in God. But like you said, we all have free will and a lot of people use that to hurt others. You're right. God never abandons us, especially when we are in pain or need. My favorite scripture is probably Psalms 34:18.

Please take care of yourself the next couple of weeks. I know how it is to stretch your finances as much as you can between paychecks. Try to take one day at a time and I know it's hard but try not to stress about it too much. Everything will be okay.

This doesn't have much to do with anything but I was reading something earlier and it made me think of a quote and I had to look it up because I couldn't remember it all. Actually now that I think about it there where two quotes that I remembered.

"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." Michel de Montaigne

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love." Washington Irving

I'm kind of homesick tonight so I'm mopey. I can't stop thinking of all the people I miss and all the places I would rather be. Don't mind me.


Where there is shadow, there is light.
tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
I appreciate the encouragement, Rose. I'm sorry you are feeling homesick these days. Will you be able to return at some point? It isn't right that you are the one who had to leave, I know.

I think when people do us wrong, that is an opportunity to either draw closer to God or push away, and I'm trying to draw closer; I'm just not "running" to Him at this point, ha.

A pastor friend remarked to me that he thinks of tears as liquid prayers. I've always liked that idea.

bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
I get like this every once in awhile but I'll be okay. Hopefully I'll be going home about six months, but I don't know for sure. I wish I had a date for when I was going home because then I'd have something to look forward to. I'm still rather bitter about being here. It's just one of those things that gnaws at me but there's nothing I can do about it.

You know when I read what you said about tears as liquid prayers I remembered a scripture that an old friend told me. It took me forever to remember the exact verse but I finally found it. Psalms 58:8. (I love the Psalms.) There David asks God to put his tears in a skin bottle and asks if they aren't written in his book. In other words, He remembers every tear we shed.

On a different note. Foxy is eating at his carrot like he's been starving. Lol I love it when I can hear his lips smacking when he's eating. It's just so cute! I'm not sure what I would do without him keeping me company. I love him to pieces.

Well, I should start doing a few chores. Enjoy your Saturday.

Where there is shadow, there is light.
tnmist replied to bluerose90's response:
So glad you have a pet, Rose! I hope you don't have any trouble taking Foxy with you when you return, and I hope you can firm up a date soon, too.

**Sits beside you to keep you company.**

bluerose90 replied to tnmist's response:
Thanks for the company Misty.

Where there is shadow, there is light.
az330 replied to bluerose90's response:
I need help and dont know where to turn. I am so overwhelmed. So lost. Feeling very sentimental today when will things change. I desperately need something good right now....
bluerose90 replied to az330's response:
I'm sorry, AZ. I'm here to listen if you need to talk for awhile. Is there anything I can do?? Hang in there.


Where there is shadow, there is light.

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