Now I know why small engine motors can drive me nuts. * * * * * * Total meltdown this morning. Grateful my T could call me back between patients. New FB that explains my meltdowns with engines like small trucks and lawn mowers droning on and on....The FB scared me to death because it was the young me that was scared. How could he do that????? Threaten me like that? I hate him. I hate him so much...so I guess this FB was a good thing because I can't tap into the anger that often, but I'm so very angry now...A mixture, really, of anger and fear. Just a lot of fear, anger and grief.
I'm so sorry... I wish I knew what it was that goes wrong with people that makes them do horrible things like that. Maybe in a way it is a good thing that you had the FB... Now that you know what it is you can start healing from it and grief and anger is the beginning of it. I wish there was something I could do or say that would spare you some of the pain and fear you're feeling... but just know you aren't alone.
*wraps the fluffy pink blanket around you and offers hot tea, crayons, and Foxy if you want to cuddle*
Just answering is a wonderful gift, Rose. I appreciate it.
I wasn't sure how much I was going to share with the first note but I will share more. He had a boat when I was a kid. It was fairly large and could pull skiers behind it. The motor would often give him trouble, though, and he had a barrel in the back yard that he would put water in and run the propeller in it when working on it. My FB was when I was 4, 5 or 6, not sure, and he had a grip on my arm and was pulling my hand closer to the propellor in the water and saying, "Are you going to do what I say?"
Being that young, I believed his threat to cut off my fingers or hand if I didn't do what he wanted me to do with my hands. It scared the wits out of me, which is what happened this morning.
The FB happened when yet another mower in the 'hood was going this morning. I couldn't sleep at all last night so I asked that lady to postpone coming for another day and I tried to sleep in this morning, then all this happened.
Then I was scared that no one would believe me, but I told my T anyway, when he called, and he said it was totally believable because not only did it fit his M.O., but perps will threaten kids in all kinds of ways to get them to do what they want and to keep quiet. Sigh.
He prayed with me over the phone before hanging up as I sat there blubbering, and I did work today as best as I could.
Now I'm just so exhausted and just very depressed over all of it. I hate all this. I hate how it intrudes into my life now...not that I have much of a life, but, you know? Getting this stuff out of me is supposed to be a good thing, but it's wearing me out. I wish I was dead. I do. I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself, but that's how I feel. I'm sick of all this. I feel like my whole life is ruined and I'm wasting time hanging around.
I'll probably feel a little better in a day or two, but this is how I feel now.
I'm so sorry Misty... I believe you. The people who hurt others like this, especially kids, come up with horrible things to threaten them with to keep them from saying anything.
I understand how you feel. Please keep yourself safe and try to do things to help comfort yourself. I hope you do get to feeling better in a couple of days. You need some time to process everything and to grieve. Hopefully after you've had some time you'll feel a lot better.
You know....this conversation made me remember something I used to combat my fear of bugs. i wounder if it could be adapted for use with the flashbacks.
When I had to kill a spider and I couldn't get anyone else to do it for me I would psyche myself up by "chasing my fear away" by using a rolled up magazine/newspaper to hit something hat and coach myself with verbal chatter like "you are bigger" whack "you are stronger" whack "go getum!"
The physical action helped to ground me, center me and fuel me.
Wonder if you couldn't do the same with FB.
Not to push it away and make it submerge in your subconcious, but rather refocus it. And add some power to it.
Once you have processed the memory and allowed it play through and documented it, then if it continues to crop up and be bothersome maybe try some thing like...
FB crops up - roll up magazine hit door frame - "I survived" whack "You lied to me" whack "Im taking my power back" whack "NO" whack "YOU CAN NOT HURT ME ANY LONGER"
Anger is a powerful healing tool. It wasn't safe to be angry at our abusers in the past, so most of us stuffed it away. Let it out.
Don't know if it will work or not just an idea.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
Sounds like a useful idea. I may give it a whack (pun intended).
I have had a life-long fear of roaches (grew up in the south where they tend to thrive), and it was last year when I learned through some FBs that they were used as threats, too! I'm okay with most insects, even other flying insects, but NOT roaches. oooooh *gets a shiver just thinking about it* Wow, was that an eye opener.
Just like with roaches, the droning engine sound that bothers me is apparently very specific as not all mowers bother me. Thank God my immediate neighbor's mower does not. Our brains are amazing.
Thank you for the advice. I will try to remember it.
I was talking recently about wishing I could step back and let another part of me take the reins for awhile, and I confessed that wish with my T today. As predicted, he didn't recommend that. I told him I was finding it harder to stay present sometimes or connected, not sure how to describe it really, but that I realized if I COULD disappear or LET myself slip away in my mind that I'm not sure how my job would get done or if my pets would get fed, etc. He agreed. He knew of someone who went into a fugue state and ended up 100s of miles away in D.C. when he woke up and had no idea how he got there.
Ya, I have enough problems, I don't need to go CREATING more. Good grief. I think I will just stick with my VACATION plans in a couple of weeks and let THAT be my "step back" from most things. I'm waiting for approval from boss before making any official plans. It was sort of last minute, but I think it will be okay.
Had a meltdown in session, but it sort of felt good to be able to tell him some of what I'm feeling. So often I'm unable to express myself like I wish I could.
I also told him I'm sometimes having trouble knowing what is real. No, I'm not psychotic or anything like that, and, it's hard to explain, but just remembering that my house is real, my pets are real, you know, the present is what is real and not the past fears, etc. He suggested I make a list of what is real in my life today, and I thought that was a good suggestion. I'm going to make a list of that and a list of the past and lies that are NOT real and that I can work on discarding.
I've felt like that a lot lately myself, wanting to let someone else take over for awhile... but I have to agree that it probably sounds better than it would actually be. Your T is right it would be better that we don't give in to that. I can't remember if I mentioned this on here before or not... hmmmm
While I was doing some training for college I was driving out of town, about an hours drive, really early in the morning. One day I literally "woke up" in the parking lot of the place I went to do my training! I couldn't remember waking up much less getting ready to go or the drive. Funny thing was that I remembered all the books and stuff that I needed. That was one of the weirdest and scariest things that I don't remember doing... Lol
I like your T's idea of making a list of the "real" things in your life. I hope that it helps you keep you in the present Misty. (((Hugs))) I'm glad to hear that you've got some vacation plans! I hope that you have a great time away from work.
I wrote that with you in mind, too, Rose. We have been having some similar issues recently, so I thought I would post what my T suggested. Hope it helps.
That "waking" where you needed to be must have been scary! Sounded like sleep deprivation there, but whatever the issue, that would be along the lines of dissociation.
I'm trying to look at the overall picture differently after today's session. I've probably tucked away in my mind some chunks of my life already, in addition to the bad things, and I'm going to try to take on the attitude of not wanting to "sleepwalk" through anymore of my life and miss it because I already feel like I've only been existing and not living, and I want to live my life now. I'm not satisfied with only existing anymore.
Do I have a great life or anything that would make me WANT to live through it rather than merely exist? Umm, not really, but it's the only life I have. Sort of along the lines of the cliche, "Bloom where you are planted," especially now that I AM safe in my own home in a decent neighborhood in a state that I LOVE. So, it ends up being more of that "focusing on the positive," that you mentioned, don't you think?
OH, I just had a great idea!!! I'm going to (when I can scrape up a little money) buy me a big 'ole raincoat, hat and galoshes, and then when there is a great rainy day without lightening - just a lot of rain - I'm going to go out and splash in some puddles instead of feeling all down in the dumps about it being a gloomy-gus day. I love rainy days in general, it's just that I usually am working instead of curling up with a good book like I would rather do. And too many rainy days in a row does start wearing on my nerves.
I thought that might be part of the reason you mentioned it. Thanks.
I'm trying to look at the bright side of things too. I'm right there with you too Misty. My life is far from idyllic but it's worth living it the best way I can.
(I left the house suddenly and left this on my laptop for like an hour without posting it...) I go to get ice cream (first time in a month) with really quick and end up wanting to punch three different guys because of leering... I can honestly say that I know how minorities feel in small towns back home. I'm one of the three true blondes here so I always get looked at like I'm a sideshow act. The best part is that usually they think that I don't understand their language so they say whatever they like (while usually being inebriated to a degree) and it's all I can do not to hall off and deck them.... Sorry, I got started posting this to say I'm trying to look at the bright side and now I'm talking about wanting to punch a guys lights out.
Okay, I'll try to get back into a good mindset now that I vented a little. *Sigh* I love the idea of going out and jumping in puddles. I love the rain too, especially walking in the rain.
Venting is just fine! It helps keep us sane. So, you just vent away. UGH. Ya, I probably would've said something in Spanish just to show them up a little. Hope you carry mace or something. Uhhh, what kind of ice cream did you end up with?
Thanks. That just rubs me the wrong way. Especially when they use certain phrases... they trigger me. I really wanted too say something but I bit my tongue. I was going to get a tazer (really more for being able to say that I have one ) before I left home but I never did. They are kinda expensive. Lol I don't carry mace or anything. Though I probably should. I am just careful about where I go and what time of day I do it. I learned that body language helps a lot too. I'm not sure how to explain it... Umm... Walking with a purpose... not acknowledging the cat calls or anything like that and not allowing any fear to show on my face. I guess I try to display confidence and a "don't even think about it" attitude to people. More so when I'm by myself. It can be hard to keep up sometimes but I'm pretty sure that it has saved me from worse than cat calls a couple of different times. One thing that helps too sell the ignoring thing is to walk with headphones in my ears and I don't even flinch when they start up.
The funny thing is that I started doing that automaticly and I didn't even realize it. It wasn't until I went to visit a friend that I hadn't seen in years and she mentioned the difference in my demeanor that I even realized that I was doing it.
BTW, in therapy today and actually doing some talking, it dawned on me WHY I don't want to go to bed. Because of dealing with depression most of my life and with health issues, I was thinking along those lines. Then when the FBs started, I thought, maybe it's because it's a bedroom or the bed or whatever, but now I think I KNOW. I have the usual PTSD symptoms of being startled easily and stuff, and it just came to me during the session - I don't want to sleep because I'm forced to give up my awareness of what's going on around me. Hypervigilance. Ahh-ha.
I could never really explain my problem with sleeping. Even my T was asking things like, do you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, etc. It wasn't really any of that - It was simply that I didn't WANT to go to sleep. I knew when it ocurred to me and I said that, that was the reason. He reminded me that I do have a dog that generally will alert me to anything unusual. I looked at him dubiously because my dog can sleep pretty soundly sometimes, but a friend I spoke with today about it agreed with the T, that my dog will know when something isn't right.
Maybe so. There have been a couple of times in the night where suddenly he stalks out of the room growling instead of running down the hall barking, and, let me tell 'ya, when he does the growling and "I'm-all-business" routine, THAT freaks me out. I have to get up and check out the house. Personally, I think he was sleeping and the sound of the ice maker dumping ice startled him or something.
And sometimes my cat really makes a THUMP when he jumps down off of something - usually when he is mad or when he wants even more food and I'm ignoring him. That will get my dog going sometimes, too....so, my dog is a bit of a goofball when it comes to deciphering a possible real threat.
My friend told me if telling myself my dog will alert me doesn't work then I should get an alarm system. That's why she has one. She had a horrid, horrid childhood and couldn't relax and sleep until she had an alarm system installed. My budget is maxed out, so I don't see myself doing that, though.
That sounds like a good theory from your T. I have to agree about your dog letting you know if something is up too. They are usually very good about that. I have the feeling that Foxy wouldn't be much help there though... Lol
I'm with you there about the alarm system. I would really like to have one but I can't afford it either. I'm very careful about making sure everything is locked up tight though.
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I've thought about why I have such a hard time sleeping before but I'm honestly not sure what's behind it... Like you I think it might be because... well all of it always happened really late at night... it would wake me up. That's all I'll say about that but I think that's why... I just haven't felt safe sleeping or in bed since I was little.
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