I feel that I have a couple of choices. I can shut down, become bitter, let hate grow in my heart towards men or people in general, or keep breathing in and out every day, keep "whacking" (new favorite word) at the FBs as they come up, replace the old tapes in my head - the LIES - with new tapes, which takes quite a bit of time, and keep hoping that someday I will wake up and embrace the day, notice the blessings and with surprise discover joy has replaced depression in my heart, and be able to let go....For me, this means parenting my Misty-Girl and making healthy decisions emotionally, physically, and spiritually one day at a time. Yes, I will have setbacks, probably quite a few, but the general path is what is important.
Tips my hat to you* (yes, i'm wearing a cap right now... lol)
Very well said Misty. I went back and read a few things that I wrote in my journal a few days ago and realized how bitter I've let myself become because of everything and I was more than a little disappointed in myself. (By the way I love that "whacking" is your new favorite word. ) I think I'll join you in your resolve. Doing my best to focus on the good things rather than the bad and work on taking it a day at a time.
Maybe we can cheer each other on when we have a setback.
Aww, AZ, I'm far from being at peace with any of this, but I do try to hang onto my faith in God and hope for the future. In my situation, my main perp is dead. Yes, someday I would like to find out where he is buried exactly and go stomp on his grave because I think that would be liberating to me, ha. I know I will have many more frustrations and difficult days; I just want my overall path to be towards wellness and peace in my heart, and I can't go down that path if I hang onto the past and the negative feelings all of that generates.
With my flashbacks, I will write about them, talk them over with my therapist, sometimes draw what I see, color with the colors I'm feeling (lots of red and black, blue and purple), and then I try not to dwell on them. They came up, I've unloaded them out of my backpack of life, and then try to move on. Last year was very different. I was being bombarded with the memories, and I was completely overwhelmed. I don't get them as often now, and I can start stepping out of the fog.
I'm blessed with a T who will get angry FOR me at times. I'll get to that anger at some point. I'm still a bit scared of that part of recovery, but I don't plan on stopping there either.
I just feel like every aspect of my life has been tainted or ruined by this monster, and I have to start over with so many things, and that's why I have decided to try to parent myself as best as I can...tell myself the things my parents should have told me, protect me in a way that I should have been protected and nurtured by them. In this way, I honor God, too.
I don't know when I decided to believe my therapist - and God - about all those beliefs I have about myself being LIES, but I finally am beginning to believe that they are lies, and I want to work harder at reminding myself daily of truths about myself...I am a child of God who loves me with an everlasting love and has a future for me..and for you. God is the closest thing to a daddy I will ever have, and He tells me that He cherishes me. That is what I hang onto when I'm in the middle of a storm.
I've blabbered on too long here, sorry. I'm just trying to sort out everything...Maybe I'm starting to understand the message that a friend of mine who has survived her own horrible childhood told me. She told me that at some point she decided that there was no way she was going let her traumas ruin her life because then the perp(s) win. Living life the best way you can is the best payback.
Just one last thought. Even though my faith in God has been shaken and I feel like I'm starting over with learning to trust Him, I determined in my heart very early on when all the FBs started that I would NOT let those painful experiences cause me to turn my back on God because, quite honestly, if I didn't believe in Him I wouldn't bother hanging around.
Hope some of this makes sense. It's very late, and I'm rambling.
AZ, you are going through so much. I admire you for your strength. You keep hanging on. I'm hoping this year will become much better for you.
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