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A healing journey part 2 - trigger SA/SI
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DOGDANCING_TCOS posted:
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    My therapist had never worked with a client who self mutilated. In hind
    sight that was truly a blessing. He had no idea about SIV (self inflicted
    violence), no preconceived treatment plans or biases. We learned about it
    together. In my attempts to educate him about it, I in turn had no choice
    but to learn my self. He was the perfect T for me. A pleasant older male who kept his distance and never tried to touch me. I value his professionalism and his ability to keep us on track. I loved his humor and his easy going manner. His giant collie dog frequented out sessions.


    It was nice to be treated both by a human and a four legged. After the intake interview the sexual abuse was not mentioned again till I was ready to discuss it. Richard never probed or brought it up till I reintroduced the subject at the later date when I was ready to delve into it.


    We talked initially about how I was treated by others, and how I felt
    like an alien.


    He asked "are you human?"


    "No" I replied.


    " animal?" he asked gesturing to the sleeping dog at his feet.


    "no" I whisper fighting tears. "i'm not good enough to be an animal" He waited patiently as I fought internal battles. "i am nothing, I am dust, I don't feel like I belong on this planet, I feel like I was dropped off and my race is gone. I am a crack child. (the true meaning of the word - a space between two objects) I belong no where. I exist between light and the dark. I am like a missing link."


    He sighed deeply and I saw pain in his eyes. "Paja we have to get you
    reconnect with your people."


    I fracture out again and again as different parts of me bubble in quick
    succession to the surface. WE ARE SCARED. WE ARE FRIGHTENED. WE ARE ALONE. SO ALONE. WHAT YOU SPEAK OF IS OVERWHELMING. YOU SPEAK OF HOPE.


    HOPE.


    THAT DOUBLE-EDGED WORD THAT ALWAYS ENDS UP HURTING YOU.
    WE ARE SCARED.


    I take a deep breath and close my eyes to stop the visual stimulus and calm my children. I open my eyes and at last speak to him in a small child's voice, "how do we do that?"


    In my head I hear Ste say hesitantly. "Trenta RA" [ my secret language for
    "follow Richard">.


    We start down the path.


    Richard suggests STRONGLY I get off graveyard shift and work a shift where there are people.


    "I HATE people." I snarl angrily, the internal rage blazing. My protecting
    walls pulled up around me, barricading me in, closing me off from further
    discussion.


    "I am a people" he says cautiously.


    I allow Little Jacky to answer for me "Everyone is a foe till proven
    otherwise."


    "Paja in order for this to work you have to trust me."


    I am gone. Lost behind my walls in the darkness of my madness. Hope? trust? what the hell?? why can't he understand that: ALL I KNOW IS HATE - PAIN- ANGER- FEAR. that is all we speak. I have NEVER felt trust. that emotion/state of being is foreign to me. My distrust of everyone in the world has kept me alive. He is asking the impossible. My feelings long ago bottled up and hidden away...or worse killed all together by the abuse.


    "can you trust me?" he asks. "or at least give me a chance to earn your
    trust.?" He addresses me as if I am a fox caught in a trap.


    I ponder his words as I feel my foot being bit by the cold steel trap. What
    choices do I have?


    Allow this man to help guide me and strive to live a better life...or...chew
    off my leg and scurry away and remain wounded and injured for ever.
    I go internal and face my selves. The children are cowering behind Ste,
    frightened and crying. I look at Ste and his ice blue eyes meet mine. We speak volumes without uttering a word.


    we are tired of the pain. we are tired of fighting the madness, we are
    tired of living everyday, every second in a state of constant suisidalness.
    We nod in unison.


    I speak to Richard. "yes...yes we will give you a chance."


    (cont in part 3)
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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