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A healing journey part 3 - trigger SA/SI
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DOGDANCING_TCOS posted:
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    (please note the dates...this stuff is all in the past. These are actual entry's from my journals.)




    A healing journey part three - In the belly of the beast


    March 30, 1988


    well it is official - we are switching to the HMO insurance on May 1st. I am
    not dealing well with this news. This means I lose my mental health
    coverage. I am not ready to stop therapy!! AAAGGHHH!!! I am scared and
    feeling abandoned.


    April 19, 1988


    at work. yesterday I was going to leave work drive home and OD on drugs and kill me self. i had to call Richard last night cause I wanted to harm my
    self. The first time I hung up just as he answered. (he had given me his
    home # - this was the first of two times I bothered him at home. I never
    abused the trust of the number being given to me. Even today I find that to
    be a powerful gesture from him. He gave me his home number, He wanted me to be able to reach him in an emergency. He cared that much about my safety.)


    The second time my body walked away from the phone so I couldn't hang up. We talked for about 8 minutes. I'm beginning to understand what this fight inside is all about. The VERY STRONG part of me that has kept me safe and alive all those years is not willing to let the new me live. It feels
    threatened. It is not going to be easy but I must find a way to pacify it
    and reassure it that I can be in an up state and still in control.


    April 21, 1998
    The look of concern in Richards eyes told me all I needed to know, he really does care. There was a hint of panic in his voice as we talked. He kept telling me he cares about me and that he's grown to like me. Another person tangled in my web. People who I love or care about or need, all leave me hurt or die on me. The various sides of me wants to die. No more hate, an eternal peace, a calm , a hush.


    April 30, 1988


    He sits there listening to me sob as I tell him the insurance is gone next
    week and this will have to be our last session. My gut is twisted and torn,
    part of me wanting to run back, part of me wanting to run forward.
    He hands me a tissue and says, "Paja our work here isn't finished."
    I wail "I can't pay you the 60 dollars and hour!"
    He gently tells me, "I will continue seeing you for the co-pay amount."


    My blood freezes....the room is deathly still. I look at the 10.00 bill in
    my hand. The magnitude of this gesture is HUGE. F'in HUGE MAN.
    "you are going to take a 50 dollar and hour pay cut to work with me? WHY!?" I demand.


    He smiles and his brown eyes sparkle, "cause you are worth it to me."
    That gesture knocked off a lot of bricks off my walls. I don't think he
    realized just how HUGE that was to me. He kept his word and continued to see me for the 10.00 an hour. He never set a limit on our therapy, he never
    asked for a raise. He saw me for another year and 1/2 for that amount.


    Later that year when I could afford it, I gave him a raise of 5.00 and hour. He raised his eyebrows when I handed over the 15.00.


    "What's this?" He reminded me of our agreement.


    I smiled. "I'm giving all my employees raises."


    He got a happy look on his face and with hind sight I know what he must have been thinking. I bet he was thinking.."Win for the Paja team. She is healing and seeing the value of our work and that she is worth this investment."


    (cont)


    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
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    part 3 continued:



    He said and took it as sign of progress, because it showed I was valuing
    therapy more. I wanted to tell him "no just you more". It is a debt I"ll
    never be able to repay. His help and re-parenting and friendship has been
    beyond words. (ETgibNURAundy! = my secret language for that feeling, that emotion.)


    May 9, 1988


    I am like a captured wild horse
    I am proud, fierce, angry, frightened
    I'll tolerate your presence
    but don't come close
    or I will strike out
    because you frighten me.
    Many people have tried to tame me.
    They have tried to rope me into submission.
    I'll hang my self on your ropes
    rather then lower my guard.
    I won't be yours
    I can't be caught
    my soul is an enigma
    if you look close you can see the pain
    in my mysterious sapphire eyes.




    June 12, 1988


    It is a daily struggle to stay in this world
    but at the moment I'm winning
    see me grinning!
    how can I tell?
    I no longer feel like I am in hell..


    July 20, 1988


    Other people hate?
    What demons dance in your mind?
    is it a cure you seek to find?
    A way to end the hate?
    Little one it is too late...
    there is no cure to find...
    it is just a state of mind,
    with you balanced precariously in the middle,
    on a line always to little
    so you have to trust the world.


    (continued in part 4)
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
  •  
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    This version of my healing journey was typed in probably 9 years ago. I did it because a fellow poster asked a question that I couldn't answer with out showing "my work" so to speak.

    I was approached by two people who offered to financially back the publication of a book detailing my healing journey.

    They both wanted me to "stop posting on wedMD and giving away all this for free."

    I told them both the same thing. BEAT IT.

    I am not going to profit from others pain and need to hear my words. If my posting eases another survivors pain and provides comfort among their own journey, they shall have it for free.

    Writing on the board was done fast and without edit so these posts are very very rough drafts.

    this is what a finished version would sound like today:

    http://gettingthebucksout.blogspot.com/2012/05/life-preserver.html
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.


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