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A healing journey part 4 - trigger SA/SI
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DOGDANCING_TCOS posted:
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    A healing journey - part 4 - feeding the beast

    August 1, 1989

    I awake from my dreamless sleep and bound out of bed full of energy and plans. As I manically race to get dress and begin all the projects in my head I pause to tell my reflection. "I'm okay! I don't need therapy. I can quit now I'm all healed. I have put the monsters to bed and I won! I'm cured" I flash my self my I-cheat-in-scrabble-smile and brush my wild long dark hair.

    Ste weary watches and begins setting up the safety net. He knows I will come plummeting down from that mood. He stays close.

    August 3, 1989

    Well it has been decided. i'm going back to school to be a teacher - none of this nurse stuff, I really want to teach! Guess what I did! I hacked 6 INCHES off my hair! I LOVE IT! For once I didn't do it out of punishment of need to make my self ugly. I just did to change my style to a more adult sophisticated style. I feel like it would take a [deleted> freight train to


    stop me now! I'm going to be a teacher!! I'm going to live! I have to I want to!!

    Ste paces restlessly in my head on constant vigil. He is not fooled by my sunny disposition.

    Sept 4, 1989

    7:00am
    Brother and his wife are here. I just can't go over and see them. I am SOOO BLEEPING JEALOUS HE HAS A WIFE AND KIDS!! someone to love him. Me I am just alone, always alone. It bothers me to see them, any of my brothers. All I see are people unaffected by what we have been through. Why was I affected so? They can marry hand have a happy life life but NO Paja she is always alone ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. I HATE IT I HATE IT!!! IT IS NOT FAIR! I am so jealous.
    I see it as a mark on my soul that they can come out of the family unscathed and I can't.

    11:30 pm
    While dressing for work I decided I'ld rather be crazy and insane, because sanity offered me nothing. Was ready to quit therapy and hypnotherapy. Had it all planned, dressed in black and oozing coldness and craziness I'ld go tell everyone that if the only way my family would accept me was crazy then I would be crazy and forever sick so I could fit in.


    Realized I have to be sane for me. I have to quit looking at my life through others eyes and life my life for me. TAKE CARE OF ME!
    I'm tired of being alone. I'm not good company for my self.

    September 11,1989

    ANGRY. i just don't care anymore. I wanta stop and just jell in a state of inactivity. I have no energy for school, life or me. Yup depression time. But it will pass. It has to, I couldn't life like this forever. It will
    pass, it always does. I must hang on. I knew it would be hard to fight my selves over the self mutilation. I just want to freak out and go on a
    rampage and clean all the anger out of my system....but it is a bottomless pit of anger and it would consume me.


    (cont)
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
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    Sept 13, 1989

    Felt good to talk with Richard today. Talked about how I wanted someone to blame. I NEED someone to blame...someone other that ME to focus the anger on.

    Sept 16, 1989

    I still feel like I am on a chain swinging to and fro between wanting to
    hurt my self and living...and as I swing life tries to grab me and hold me to it, and so does the self mutilation part. I am being yanked apart. I am beginning to lose control and just space off as I yo-yo around.

    Sept 20, 1989

    Gave Richard the letter I wrote on the 15th. It clearly stated that if I
    didn't get the self mutilation under control by my birthday that I would
    kill my self before 10:45 am November 14, 1989.
    Written evidence he could use to stop me if it came to that. He could have me locked up with that paper. I'm glad I gave it to him. No matter what I think I'M GOING TO LIVE. I'll do anything to insure that I'm alive 10:46 am November 14th


    On the way home I stopped and got a cheesecake to eat. Celebration that I haven't harmed my self today! It is past midnight! one more day has passed without me hurting my self!! Bravo little one! Smile!

    Sept 23, 1989

    Finally broke through the silence barrier and can tell someone else that I feel like hurting my self. i find the little praises I give me self for the little things I am doing, works wonders for my moral. I enjoy the praise. Stopping all the negative self talk is HARD! Like in two minutes I have made it through another day with out injuring! YEAH! I am going to work on taking better care of my self. Nurturing me.

    Sept 28, 1989

    A little more than a month to complete all the things that must be done before I can kill my self.

    (interesting now to look back over the list of items...I can see that Ste
    kept adding to the bottom of the list so that I would never complete it.)

    (cont)
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
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    DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
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    Sept 28, 1989

    to hush the never ending question of why
    she gave her life to the sky
    and now I lay me down to sleep
    no more shall I weep
    to give
    to live
    not possible in this brain
    full of the stench of being insane
    I seek the lulling hush of eden's arm
    to shelter me from harm
    the smell of century's of damp decay
    I seek to leave the world to its self imposed disarray
    I put on my blinders and look away
    I don't want to live is all I'll say
    so now I lay me down to sleep
    in this fern heap
    I'll put out my pilot light
    and say goodnight.

    October 2, 1989



    ***************
    strong triggering subject regarding sexual abuse to be posted below.
    I am including it here because you need to see how I healed, and one of the ways I did that was by looking hard at what made me injure when I did. Then learning to see triggering events and avoiding them or reaching for help rather then the matches.
    ****************

    [DELETED!!> well I made it 5 months without harming my self. I called
    Richard no answer, called answering service and left message. He called back 1/2 later. I couldn't tell him I was going to injure. Ste was mute, his throat clamped shut. We tried, and failed to communicate. Burned my arm a good one, nice big 3rd degree burn. I feel funny like I'm not ashamed, I'm not crazy, I'm not sorry. I just don't care anymore.


    Perhaps I realized that my B-day is looming up fast and I got scared. Tired of fighting, who knows. I'm canceling my appt tomorrow. i don't want Richard to know about it. I need time to think.


    Actually I bet it had to do with:
    1. Touching/trust exercise Saturday at the "special friends" seminar (of shoot of the big sister/brother program - you are paired with a at risk kid in a school setting)


    2. Doctor show Sunday about diagnosing sexual abuse - they showed the vagina as a clock. They said with sexual abuse most trauma/scarring would be seen from 3 o'clock to 9 o'clock going clockwise. (the bottom of the vagina)


    Most of the scarring/damage I have is from 9 to 3 o'clock on the top.
    Which supports the memories of being held down face first. (that would turn the clock over) thus showing all the trauma where it shows up on sexual abuse victims. Conformation that the story Ste tells me happened is true.


    I still feel empty. So i hurt my self?! I'm not excited about it. I'm numb
    and slightly confused.

    October 4, 1989

    I tried to call and cancel my appt. As soon as he got the message he called me back. He told me that it didn't matter no matter what happened he still cares and wanted to see me. I told him I couldn't deal with it this week, I needed time to think about what happened. He said he respected my need for space. He was going to leave my hour open so I could come in if I wanted to.


    I hollered at him and I feel bad about that. He wanted to know if I was
    testing him. I told him the truth, no.

    (to be cont in part 5)
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.


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