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TRIGGERS
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lovely_lemon_tree posted:
Do you ever feel like you just need to cleanse your psyche of what's going on in it because things keep growing in it, like cancerous lesions? It's a process similar to that of elimination and/or defecation... going to the bathroom and sitting over the toilet day after day to let out the waste products that build in our bodies because otherwise they will poison us?

My case manager wants to sit on on a therapy session. Mind you, my case manger I have had in my life for nearly a year now. I am a bit more open with her about my past than I am with my therapist, who I've only had around since January. My case manager wants to make sure that I'm telling my therapist about the things I "should" be telling her about... "opening" up to her about the things I "should" be opening up to her about...


TRIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I want to hang my head at the shame of what has happened.

I want to hide.

I want to scream and cry and tear myself to bits until I never can put Humpty Dumpty together again!

The horror of it all...

Nightmarish quality of it ...

I remember being at the hospital one summer (during one of my many, many admissions) and the reason I was there was because it was an anniversary date of a particularly bad abuse event... the psychiatrist wanted to know what was bothering me so I told him. He said bluntly to me "That wasn't rape. That was two teenagers fooling around." I came out of his office blindsided and crying, clawing at my face, screaming that I was going to kill myself... it earned me a one-to-one observation for more than a week.

I (perhaps unwisely) have read a post down the page marked "TRIGGERS." ... and I, too, have injured myself there. I have scraped until I was dripping dark, viscous blood. I have cut until the blood flowing out of me could have easily passed as a period. I had to go to the emergency room one time because I made the mistake of telling someone once about what I did. They examined me and I cried the whole time and they didn't bat an eyelash. It turned out that I had cut my cervix. I don't know what other damage there ever was... or if there was permanent damage. They did put me on antibiotic and give me a tetanus shot.

God I hate this.

I hate this.

hate this.

this.

siht

siht etah.

Easier to descend into madness than to face the truth of what has really happened.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
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bluerose90 responded:
Hey LLT,

I couldn't read all of your post because I'm kind of triggery right now. Please hang in there. I know how hard it is to open up about these horrible things but try to remember that they are both there to help you. ((((gentle hugs if okay)))) Please keep yourself safe...

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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tnmist responded:
(((((LLT))))) I'm sorry. Whatever happened to a doctor's oath to first do no harm??! That was awful. There is a lot of pain going on here. Wish I could just sit next to you and hold you and rock you and let you cry your eyes out...I'm with you in spirit.

We may think it's easier to "let" go and just be "crazy," but I personally won't let myself do that. Yes, I've had those thoughts, too!!! Healing is very difficult! Wouldn't it be "easier" just to be "crazy?" Then I thought that, in a way, that is letting my abuser "win." (Insert expletives here) because I'm just angry enough to stay on the path to healing. Maybe THAT is crazy, but that is how I feel.

I've come to realize that no matter how I feel at any given time, I HAVE to be the parent to my inner child(ren) that I never had and PROTECT them from any further harm - including harming myself on purpose.

In a sort of half-way house once many years ago, our therapists/case workers took us on a field trip. Well, there in the woods, I found myself yelling, "I'm a worthwhile human being!" and to this day I still have to repeat that to myself. I'm WORTH fighting for. LLT, so are YOU! You are worth fighting for. Just like Rose is and Mary and every other survivor out there.

Please keep yourself safe...This isn't an easy road. We know.

-Misty
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to tnmist's response:
The loonies are coming out ...

As they do whenever I tend to decompensate...

There are cats that come around (I know there is only one cat here, but there are several others) ... there is a black one, a gray one, and one I can't really tell the color of but it's there. They come around the edges of things and corners of hallways and rooms. They fade in and out -- they are there one moment and then when I look again, they're gone.

There was a fish in the intersection when I was driving home the other day.

There was another cat in the bread aisle in Wal-Mart.

People laugh at me outside. I'm not paranoid.. they really laugh at me.

And now comes the season when people tell me to use fans... I hate fans! They play music. Ceiling fans are okay, but the ordinary stationary fans that people set up? They play music. Constantly. I hate it. Can't handle it.

I know I'm getting a little psychotic. But this is part and parcel of what happens to me when I go down the drain.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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tnmist replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Oh, dear. Sounds like some meds or something needs adjusting?? Please tell a trusted doctor what's going on, LLT. Please be safe.

I have a certain trigger that I see out of the corner of my eyes sometimes on walls and things, but it only happens, of course, when I've seen a real one first or I'm in a bad place in my head, but I know the history behind it, and I have to use grounding techniques more frequently during those times.

(((gentlehugs if okay)))

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Please try to do what Misty suggested LLT... talk to a doctor or your case worker that you trust and tell them what's going on. Maybe they can help. Please stay safe and try to do something that could help to relax you. (((hugs if okay)))

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to bluerose90's response:
The real kicker of all this? My pdoc took me off the antipsychotic five weeks ago.

And these things are not really life-threatening so I doubt they'd do something about it on the weekend.. they'd tell me to wait until Monday when they could give me an appointment with an on-call doc and perhaps add something else...

dangit I hate all this.

It's just easier to live in the insanity.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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tnmist replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
You may be right about the weekend thing, I'm not sure. It wouldn't hurt to try, would it? Do you have any med already on hand that you have taken safely in the past thay may help? Sometimes I'm taken off of something, but I hold onto it for awhile anyway.

Here is one reason why I believe it is worth fighting for healing and sanity: I've come to realize that the whole abuse situation robbed me of my voice, my right to be heard and believed and I could never make my own decisions. It was like I was a robot. I don't want to give up my right to make my own decisions! Learning to set boundaries, saying, "No," without guilt or retribution - this is all awesome to me...That's just off the top of my head.

I'm very sorry you are having such a rough time, LLT. (((hugs)))

-Misty
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to tnmist's response:
I do have many meds that I hang onto after I've been taken off them. I think the thing with the antipsychotics is that they take a while to build up in your system and for them to really take effect, you have to have been on them at a "therapeutic dose" for at least a couple weeks.

I was willing to live with the craziness as a tradeoff for coming off my meds... I had been working with my pdoc to come off a few of my already ridiculous number of psychotropics and I thought that although I was coming off the antipsychotic I would just live with the nuttiness. (I mean, I realize it's psychotic and it does bother me but it's not like I'm hearing voices commanding me to go jump off the bridge a couple blocks away because when I do, angels are going to catch me and I'm going to go to heaven.) I was even starting to lose some weight! (there's another drawback -- most antipsychotics cause weight gain.)

...damned lunatic...

...will continue to be a lunatic...
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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tnmist replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
You are correct. Sigh. There are a lot of trade-offs, aren't there? I hope you will keep fighting, though, and this is only temporary. ((((LLT))))

-Misty
 
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bluerose90 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Please don't give up and keep yourself safe LLT. (((gentle hugs if okay)))

Rose
Where there is shadow, there is light.


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